An Unexpected Life
by FreeWrite
Summary: When Emily Prentiss went undercover as Lauren Reynolds the mission was clear… get into the International arms market at all costs. She didn't truly understand the price until Lauren Reynolds died and she had to rebuild her life with the results.
1. 2001

Title: An Unexpected Life

Summary: When Emily Prentiss went undercover as Lauren Reynolds the mission was clear… get into the International Arms market at all costs. She didn't truly understand the price until Lauren Reynolds died and she had to rebuild her life with the results.

Author: FreeWrite

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any related characters nor am I making any money off them. I'm having a little play and not making any money off them in the meantime…

Pairings: Canon only so minor Prentiss/Doyle at the beginning. As much as I love Prentiss/Just about anyone fic (Hotch, Rossi, JJ, OC)... I haven't written a "Ship" fic for over 10 years.

AN: Not long ago I wrote and posted a series of AU one shots based around the Lauren/Valhalla story arc called "The Heroine". The third one (at the time called Minus Eight Thousand) was a 2k snapshot where Emily killed Doyle while undercover and raised Declan herself. The original can be found: s/12563148/3/The-Heroine. While I was happy with the story as it was there was a scene that absolutely wouldn't leave me alone, unfortunately it didn't work with the overall effect of "The Heroine" and the story I wanted to tell at the time. Once it was finished and posted I went back to the beginning to expand it out into this AU story, while the basic premise is the same a number of changes have been made. This story is complete but in need of a beta, please PM me if you are interested.

Timeline: I've tried to stick fairly close to the cannon timeline but have had to either stretch or compress certain events to make it work, if you want my head cannon timeline for this PM me and I'll send it across.

* * *

 _You want me to raise your son so he can have your life?_

 _Is it that bad a life?_

 _There are so many things I would do to make you happy. But I can't do this._

September 2001

Massa, Italy

Looking over her shoulder, Lauren Reynolds quickly scanned the road to make sure she hadn't been followed. She'd had free reign to come and go as she pleased but given the revelations of the morning Lauren wouldn't be surprised if Ian tried to put a guard on her for her 'protection'. They had all the evidence they needed to bring Ian Doyle up on charges for international arms dealing. She knew his trade routes, partners, and safe houses and now she knew his most protected secret.

That knowledge and trust came with a price Lauren Reynolds wasn't willing to pay.

Wandering slowly down the cobblestoned street she stopped in several boutique stores, making small purchases. Earrings, a scarf, scented candles and some beautiful lingerie Lauren knew Ian would love.

Reaching her favourite cafe, she sat in the late afternoon sun and waited. Her presence was expected and one of the team would contact her. She didn't need to wait long, Jeremy Wolff approached her table pretending to be a busboy

"Buongiorno, signora, come sta oggi il tuo caff " _(Good morning miss, how is your coffee today?)_

"Deliziosa grazie, hai cambiato la birra?" _(Delicious thank you, have you changed the brew?)_

"S"in realtˆ, questo un caff di specialitˆ di Verona" _(Yes actually, this is a specialty coffee from Verona)_

"Non hanno nulla di simile a casa. Dovresti continuare a servirlo" _(They have nothing like this back home. You should keep serving it)_

"Lascer˜ conoscere il proprietario. Abbiate una bella passeggiata pomeridiana" _(I'll let the owner know. Have a nice afternoon miss.)_

"Grazie anche tu." _(Thank you, you as well.)_

Lauren drained the rest of her cup, picked up her purchases and walked out.

Within hours the local police should arrive at the Villa to arrest both herself and Ian. They would be processed through the system, and she would be taken into custody by Interpol… Sean and Clyde wouldn't be happy about her decision to kill Lauren Reynolds… but she was done. Once Doyle was in custody she was getting out for good.

The next morning Lauren woke with Ian's arm wrapped around her possessively as it always was. The police hadn't come and though she had the ability to extract herself in an emergency at this point it would tip Ian off and compromise the entire mission.

Maybe something had gone wrong on their end. The conversation with Jeremy yesterday had been a version of one that had been repeated countless times over the last few years. Her telling him they had nothing like this back home was the agreed extraction message and Jeremy would not have forgotten or misheard.

Lauren went about her day as though nothing was wrong. She would wait... it was all she could do.

A week passed, then another... Ian threw her and Declan together every chance he got. He started making subtle allusions to another child, spoke as though she hadn't refused to raise Declan and give him a sibling.

"I won't raise children to live my life" she told him again and again.

He ignored her, Lauren knew that the longer she refused him the higher the chance of him trying to take the decision out of her hands. She wasn't overly worried yet, her Implanon still had 18 months before it would need to be replaced. Once Ian realised this though... he had the potential to get violent. Lauren could see him demanding she have the implant removed early.

What Ian Doyle wanted, Ian Doyle got.

She also knew he was fully capable of attempting to negate the birth control without her knowledge. She wasn't sure if it was even possible with the implant but it wasn't something she was willing to risk. The longer she remained the higher the risk.

This wasn't a scenario they had prepared for when sending her undercover. They also hadn't expected the Valhalla part of the operation to last so long but for every layer Lauren peeled back she found another 3 waiting for her. Not just on Valhalla but the intel she was sending back to Interpol on several other arms dealers was invaluable.

At the end of the second week Lauren went back into town despite Ian's protests. He didn't want her leaving the villa without him. Wandering in an out of different boutique shops but not making any purchases.

She ordered her coffee, and sat down to wait.

No one came.

Another two weeks passed Ian continued to push her about children but in a slightly different way. As though she'd already agreed to have a child with him and it was just the timing they disagreed on, he told her he was reassigning Louise to another property leaving Lauren to care for Declan. He refused to let her leave the Villa when she said she wanted to go shopping. The bruises he left on her wrists scared her more than anything.

She made the call for emergency extraction.

Something should have happened within the hour.

Still no one came.

Lauren expected that, she'd known when there was no one at the coffee shop that something had gone seriously wrong. She had to get herself out now, she'd overheard a conversation between Ian and one of the kitchen staff. He'd been having something added to her food for months St John's Wort? It appeared all of his pushing and posturing had been an act, he never cared about her choices or wants. She'd known that all along she just never expected him to act before she'd had a chance to refuse him.

When the raid came 2 nights later it wasn't the Italian Police or Interpol.

It was a rival arms dealer.

He wanted Ian's business.

Lauren saw her chance as Ian kissed her hard and pressed a HK P30 into her hands. For weeks she'd been fighting the desire to take Declan away from this life. Let him grow up never knowing this violence and greed. He could be a teacher, doctor, lawyer, care worker, janitor... anything but a warrior... anything.

"Get to Declan. Promise me you'll get him out and meet me in Ravenna?"

"I promise." Lauren leaned in and kissed him again.

She stepped back, pointed the P30 at his forehead and pulled the trigger.

Before his body hit the ground she was running towards the 4 year olds bedroom. When she arrived the little boy was wide awake, trembling in a corner. Grabbing a blanket off the bed Lauren wrapped him up and lifted him into her arms.

"I've got you" she murmured, on the opposite wall she hit the point Ian had shown her months before. A panel slid back to reveal the escape tunnels that had been built into the villa by the original owner more than a century before. Securing the door behind her she pressed Declan's head into her neck, his body still shaking in fear and tears soaking the collar of her shirt.

The tunnels were long and dank, according to Ian they ran close to a mile through the country side and at the end he kept a car hidden.

Just in case.

By the time she reached the exit her arms and back were burning in pain from carrying a now sleeping Declan.

Laying the boy on the bench seat and tucking the blanket around him, Lauren walked around to the trunk and pulled out the hidden case. Another P30 lay in there along with the key's to a safe house in Ravenna and €20,000. She pocketed the spare clips and €1000.00 before sliding into the driver's seat. 10 minutes later she was heading south down the E80. Any survivor's from the villa would head east, anyone not at the villa would expect her to head east as well when she didn't show they would assume she was dead.

Glancing at her watch Lauren predicted they would reach Rome just before 6am. She couldn't just walk into Interpol with Valhalla's son, even if she didn't have Declan with her she would still hesitate. Something had gone wrong, two requests for extraction were ignored, she couldn't trust her team and therefore she couldn't trust Interpol.

That left her with her FBI handler. Her situation was dicey enough that she could bypass official protocol and go directly to Matt Cruz.

Basic plan, get to Rome, get to the lock box with her real passport and FBI credentials and get to the Embassy.

Reaching out she ran her hand through Declan's blond curls. The boy squirmed and shuffled until his head was resting on Lauren's thigh, pulling the blanket up so he was covered she left her hand on his back and continued to drive.

The sky was starting turn a muted grey as they reached the outer suburbs of Rome. With a sigh of relief she found a 24 hour department store. Lifting Declan into her arms she wasn't surprised the boy had finally slept off the fear from the night before. Carrying him as far as the front doors she allowed the boy to slide down and walk once they reached in the relatively clean interior. Leading him over to the children's section she quickly grabbed several sets of jeans, t-shirts and sweatshirts before allowing Declan to choose his own shoes, socks and underwear.

Lauren didn't need anything as there were plenty of clothes in the flat Emily had but for forms sake she picked up the same for herself. Just another lost traveler.

Clothes paid for they continued the drive into the city centre.

Once safely inside Emily's flat she sent Declan to the bedroom to dress while she quickly changed and opened the floor safe. Most of the Euro's from the car was deposited along with the two P30's and her half of the Gimmel ring.

Out came the passport and FBI credentials. After nearly 5 years locked away in a box Emily Prentiss came back to life.

"Lauren?" Declan's soft Irish lilt echoed through the room as she replaced the last floor board.

"Yeah sweetie"

"I'm hungry..."

Emily smiled "We'll be getting breakfast soon. Come sit with me for a second" she waved him over to the couch, with a grin he ran over and jumped into her lap.

"I need you to do something very important for me." She ran a hand through his curls as he nodded "Do you remember how you weren't allowed to tell anyone who your Father is?" another nod "That's still a rule ok, unless I tell you it's alright."

"Ok"

"There's something else" she continued "you can't call me Lauren anymore. There are bad people looking for us and I'm going to be telling people my name is Emily and I'm your Mom. Is that ok with you?"

The little boy studied her intently before nodding his agreement "I like the name Em'ly and Daddy said he wanted you to be my Ma."

"Good." she slid him off her lap as her heart broke for the little boy who was so used to lies already "let's go find us some food."

Knowing they would be well looked after in the Embassy Emily didn't bother trying to find anywhere open, and instead waved down a taxi. Declan was quiet as the interrupted rest caught up to him and within minutes was asleep nestled against Emily. 20 minutes later she was standing at the guard gate Declan fast asleep in her arms waiting for them to verify her credentials when a familiar voice called from the staff gate.

"Emily? Emily Prentiss is that you?"

Turning to look over her shoulder a wide grin broke out "Bobby! I didn't know you were still in Rome."

"Darling, the only way I'll ever agree to leave Rome is in a body bag."

Bobby Lucas had been running the Italian embassy since long before Emily's mother had been posted there in 1985. He'd run plenty of interference between then 15 year old Emily and her parents.

"Are you sure you should keep Ambassador Prentiss' daughter waiting like this" he smiled at the guards.

"I hadn't actually dropped Mothers name into it yet" she grinned as she awkwardly slid her ID back in her pocket while trying not to drop Declan.

"What do you need Emmy?" Bobby was worried, her complexion was an ashy grey and it was obvious she was only keeping herself upright by sheer will power.

"A place for Declan to sleep, breakfast for him when he wakes up and a secure line to report to my superiors."

"Come on" He led her down the hall to his office "Declan can sleep on my couch, my line is secure but honey, you could probably do with a nap as well."

"I desperately need sleep" she agreed "but not until after I report in"

Declan didn't even stir as she laid him on the couch and covered him in a blanket.

"You make your call, I'll go let Ambassador Myers know you're here and get you two some breakfast. Do you need to stay in the Embassy?"

"Yes we do. The Ambassador will get a request through official Bureau channels later today."

When Bobby had left her and Declan alone in the office Emily let out a deep breath trying to stave of the weariness until after she made this phone call. Picking up the phone she dialled a number from memory. It was just after midnight in DC, she was hoping he had already been notified about the hit on the Villa.

"Cruz"

"It's me..."

"Holy shit Prentiss, where the hell are you. I just got off the phone with McAlister he said there was a hit at the Villa, everyone was executed and the place burned to the ground; they didn't know if you were still there since you missed the last check in but because they could still get eyes on you at the Villa they decided to wait and see."

"I'm in the embassy in Rome. I didn't go dark Matt" she took a deep breath as her stomach rolled at the implications "I requested extraction 4 weeks ago. The last time I saw any of the team was the standard meet in the cafe where I gave Wolff the extraction signal."

"You requested extraction? Wolff told me everything was fine." Matt was confused he took a deep breath. "Ok, timeline it for me"

"8 September standard check in procedure, I arrived in the cafe ordered my coffee. Wolff was there and I requested non-urgent extraction. Nothing happened, because it wasn't critical I waited until the next check in. 22 September same as always ordered my coffee sat down but no one turned up. 5 October I couldn't wait anymore, it was critical I get out ASAP so I called in an urgent extraction request and again nothing, I was just waiting for Doyle to leave the villa so I could get myself out. 7 October the villa is raided, from what I saw it was Halsey trying to get rid of Doyle - a hostile takeover so to speak. Myself and one other got out and we headed straight for Rome."

"Who else got out?"

"A child, he's only 4. I need passport for him in the name of Declan Prentiss." she stated flatly, she knew exactly what she was requesting.

"Emily?"

"Matt... Please?" he was silent, he needed more information on what had happened in the last month but not over the phone.

"I'm in London right now, I'll be in Rome in a few hours. I'll request you and Declan be allowed to stay in the embassy until we can get you stateside and I'll request an urgent passport for your son."

"Thank you" she whispered.

"Get some sleep Prentiss, I'll be there soon."

Before she could respond he'd hung up the phone.

Standing up from the desk she was just about to lower herself to the couch and curl up with Declan when Bobby returned.

"The Ambassador said you two could stay as long as you needed. Do you want to eat or sleep?"

Emily looked down at Declan still sound asleep "sleep" she stated.

When SSAIC Matt Cruz arrived 6 hours later he found a somewhat rested Emily curled up on an overstuffed lounge with a little boy reading. He was concerned by the way her shoulders stooped and her naturally pale complexion had an unhealthy grey tinge.

Taking in the scene he was taken aback by the change from the rookie he'd sent to Interpol 5 years before. Gone was the bright eyed naïveté that she'd kept after training at The Farm and Scotland Yard and in its place was a world weary woman. He'd been acutely aware that this assignment might cost Emily Prentiss her life, now he was wondering if the cost had actually been higher. When she looked up at him a smile broke out on her face and Matt felt a weight lift off him.

Lauren Reynolds hadn't completely destroyed her.

Leaving the couch she stood and wrapped her arms around him taking a moment to just relax into the hug. Matt Cruz had never let her down and she hoped he never would.

"I'm done Matt… I want to go home and be Emily again." She whispered in his ear.

"Then that's what you'll do." He squeezed her once more before letting go.

Quick introductions were made before she settled the boy with pencils and paper and they sat on the other side of the room.

He'd been receiving regular updates so everything prior to the last month was ignored.

She knew that she would have to trust someone with Declan's true identity and if anyone could help her protect him it was Matt Cruz so she told him everything she knew about Declan while covering the events of the last month.

The only thing she left out was who fired the bullet that killed Doyle.

"What changed two days ago?" he asked "you said you called in an urgent extraction."

For the first time in the two hours they'd been speaking he saw a crack in her brave facade.

"Doyle had been pushing me pretty hard to the point that I was no longer allowed out of the villa alone, you have to remember he's a psychopath, he doesn't understand that controlling… possessing someone isn't the same as loving them, he can't even feel love. What we didn't count on was his idealised view of family."

Matt nodded, he already knew most of this from the profile.

"To his mind Declan was the ultimate proof that he was right in what he was doing, that he was a good man, a success, another child would cement that but I'd made it clear all along that Lauren Reynolds would never marry or have children and he knew I'd refuse to change my mind."

"Why do you say he knew you wouldn't change your mind?"

"Do you know what happens when you take St Johns wort for an extended period while on hormonal birth control?"

"No" Matt chuckled slightly "I've never needed to"

"Neither did I until I found out Doyle started having it added to all my meals at the villa around 4 months ago. It increases the speed in which your body metabolises certain things including the hormone released by implanon..."

She watched him closely, waiting for the implications to hit.

"He decided to force the issue. Are you pregnant?" It didn't take him long.

"It's possible."

Matt sat back and considered everything Emily had told him. He had already requested an investigation into the actions of the rest of JTF-12, it would take months for it to be completed and he wanted Emily back in the States ASAP. There was a deep set weariness that concerned him and it would only get worse the longer she had to stay in Europe. In DC she would be able to relax and hopefully shake off the last of Lauren Reynolds.

"Ok" he started "we'll have an emergency passport for Declan within 72 hours, we'll leave as soon as we've got it. I've already requested official documentation stating he is your son and it should be ready by the time we get to DC. You need to see a Doctor today if possible, I'll ask for the Embassy physician to come and see you, if that's not possible I'll get the name of a local GP. Once we're back in DC a full debrief will need to be done. After that you'll be given a 6 month furlough to get your life back in order."

He studied her carefully.

"You'll also need to make a decision on what to do next."

Her eyes crinkled in confusion "What do you mean?"

"Will you come back to Europe re-join the JTF? Your skills and knowledge will be invaluable to them, or do you want a states based assignment?"

She nodded slowly, considering her answer "If I needed to make a decision right now I'd say find me the field office in the most boring place possible and assign me there. Hell you could send me to Anchorage to count huskies and I'd say thank you."

"That's why I'm not asking for a decision right now." Matt smiled "They'll want to know your preferences at the end of the debrief but don't worry about it, as I said you'll be getting a 6 month stand down so you've got time."

He reached out and grabbed her hand "Just relax, I'll go and see about the Doctor and we'll worry about everything else later."

She nodded and wandered back over to the couch, Declan still happily drawing. When Matt returned 30 minutes later she was sound asleep with Declan lying flat on top of her.

He left them asleep while he made the call he promised McAlister.

"Where the hell are you, I thought you were flying straight into Florence?" McAlister was not happy.

"I need you to listen carefully and only answer yes or no. Do you understand?"

"Yes"

"Did Prentiss make the check in on 24 August?"

"Yes"

"She was met by Mosely?"

"Yes"

"Did she make the check in on 8 September?"

"Yes"

"She met with Wolff?"

"Yes"

"Did she make the check in on 22 September?"

"No"

"Did Wolff go to meet her again?"

"Yes"

"Was Wolff manning the emergency line on 5 October?"

"Yes"

"I'm with Prentiss now, she made the check in with Wolff on 8 September and requested extraction. She went back on 22 September and no one was there. She called for urgent extraction on 5 October. Do you understand what I'm saying?

"Yes... fuck"

"One last thing… Lauren Reynolds is dead…"

Cruz hung up the phone, McCallister would handle the rest. Glancing over to the couch he saw Emily awake and staring at him.

"Wolff turned didn't he? She whispered.

"I think so" Matt didn't miss the flash of betrayal, when she slid out from under Declan and stood he didn't miss the way she swayed either.

"The Doctor will be here at 5"

She didn't acknowledge the statement, Matt could see she was struggling to wrap her head around the fall out of this case. When they had been building the backstop for Lauren Reynolds it had been agreed that the history would be one that discouraged the building of her own family unit. The privileged daughter of a business man, sent to all the best schools and given all the opportunity in the world, but basically ignored. Lauren's mother had died when she was a toddler, not knowing what else to do with her, her father had treated her as an accessory to be brought out to impress his associates and nothing more.

Once in college the rebellion had started, she'd refused to take any of the classes her father wanted her to and spent more time socialising than studying, her grades had been average but not spectacular and her Arts degree only completed to get access to her trust fund. After senior year she had cashed out said trust fund and gone backpacking turning her back on everything related to her childhood. While in Turkey Lauren had met French gun runner Jean Baptiste, less than two years later Lauren was running on her own, hooking up with whichever dealer could pay her the most.

Everything about Lauren Reynolds was built to discourage family and settling down, she lived a hedonistic life and had no desire to ever change that. They'd all believed Ian Doyle to be the same...

Matt had seen it in Emily's eyes when she'd confirmed the possibility of her being pregnant. She already knew the answer, but wasn't ready to admit it.

Re-starting her life as Emily Prentiss with a 4 year old was going to be hard enough but to add a newborn into the mix... She wasn't sure she could do it.

* * *

3 Days later they finally arrived back in Washington.

Emily and Declan settled into the temporary apartment the Bureau organised for them and the debriefing started. Shut away with the section Chiefs from JTTF, BAU, TSC and Matt.

They covered everything from her initial recruitment to JTF-12, training at The Farm and Scotland Yard, the other cases they had run while she was undercover. They asked her every question multiple times worded in different ways... not to trip her up or catch her in a lie but instead to ensure nothing was missed. They went back over old reports and check ins, information she had provided to both the Bureau and Interpol that allowed them to shut down not just Valhalla's operations but several other arms dealers as well. When asked about Declan, she told them exactly what Doyle had, his mother was the housekeeper and was killed in the raid. She said nothing about the pregnancy, word would get back to them eventually and they would do the maths but for now they didn't need to know.

3 Weeks into the debrief the preliminary results into Interpol's investigation came in and while it would be months before the final report was available it was a relief to see it all in black and white. Emily was widely praised for her actions during the case. Tsia and Sean were cleared, they hadn't known she requested extraction. Like Emily they had trusted Jeremy. Clyde knew about the first request but believed there was more information she could get out of Doyle. He'd been censured, demoted and relegated to a desk job in Bristol. The chances of him ever getting out of there were slim.

Jeremy Wolff had betrayed them all.

All the while Emily tried to decide what to do next. Another JTF was out of the question. Each of the section chiefs had approached her individually stated she could have her pick of assignments in their division. It didn't make it any easier, she figured she would just tell them where she wanted to live and they would find her an appropriate assignment when the time came.

Boston was out, there was too high a chance someone would recognise her Lauren Reynolds persona. Washington DC was near the bottom of her preferences, living close enough to her Mother to be nagged at by her in person was to be avoided at all costs. She wasn't interested in living in most of the south or pacific North West.

Charleston was a possibility and she loved both San Francisco and New Orleans but for some reason every time she looked at the map her eyes were drawn to Chicago. She liked the city well enough, but had never had a 'wow I'd love to live here' moment when she'd visited in the past. There were no attachments there for either Lauren Reynolds or Emily Prentiss; maybe that was why she was seriously considering the windy city. A quick scan of the field office roles and responsibilities confirmed that the violent crimes and organised crimes units did do undercover work it was volunteer only and none of the units worked regularly on international task forces.

The next afternoon they wrapped up the debrief and the topic of her next assignment was broached publicly for the first time. Chief Strauss confirmed as of the next day she had a 6 month furlough before officially starting her next assignment. Taking a deep breath Emily gave them her decision.

"To be blunt I don't have a preference about which division I'm next assigned to, I only ask that I be excluded from any international task forces or deep cover work." She met each of their gazes in turn, her request not unexpected, agents who had spent as much time as she did in deep cover either got out or went deeper "I'm hoping to settle in Chicago, and due to personal circumstances would like to extend my furlough to a full year. The additional time of course can be taken as unpaid leave."

Before any of the others could form a response Chief Camplin of JTTF nodded his agreement "We'll approve the additional leave and we'll ensure there's an appropriate position in the Chicago field office for you to start January 2003."

* * *

Winter had well and truly descended on Chicago when they arrived. Having spent most of his living memory in Tuscany, snow was outside Declan's experience. Emily used the little boys wonder to her advantage, letting him play in the park across from their hotel late in afternoons. Tiring him out and ensuring that he slept well every night.

The day after they arrived, she walked into a real estate agent with a very short list of requirements for an apartment.

3 bedrooms, parking, 24 hour security and no more than 20 minutes from the Field Office.

Luckily for her winter in Chicago was a buyers' market and on Christmas Eve she was signing the contract to purchase an apartment in Ravenswood.

Christmas was spent eating too much and spoiling Declan. Emily knew that she would have to learn to say no to him sooner rather than later but she wasn't overly concerned at that moment. He was a happy, polite and well-adjusted little boy and that was all she cared about.

Christmas was also when she finally worked up the courage to tell Declan about the baby. At 14 weeks she had a small pot belly that could still be mistaken as a very good meal. Declan's response had surprised her as he didn't seem to be phased by the news, receiving it with a simple "Oh, can I go back to my Lego's now?"

Emily nodded and sat there watching him play. Maybe it would just take him time to realise exactly what it meant.

Like Christmas, New Year was spent just the two of them in the hotel room the days in between shopping for their apartment and getting to know the city they would be calling home for the foreseeable future.

By the end of January they were in their own home and Emily had finally managed to get her personal belongings out of storage. The day spent shelving her books, and placing the Knick knacks collected over years of travel banished the last of Lauren Reynolds and for the first time she felt like Emily Prentiss was truly back in control of her life.

February saw Declan enrolled in pre-K 2 days a week. As much as she wanted to keep him with her at all times Emily knew it wasn't healthy for either of them, and with his 5th birthday at the end of March he would be starting school in September.

She was not looking forward to that day.

February was also when Tsia turned up in Chicago.

They had just been to the park, Emily still taking Declan every afternoon to run all of his energy off despite the sub-zero temperature. Sitting at the bus stop outside their building Tsia simply waited, she figured that Emily would eventually walk past and didn't want to force Emily to speak with her. Jeremy's betrayal had hit them all hard but to be left out in the cold the way Emily had... she wouldn't be surprised if she wanted nothing to do with either herself or Sean. This way if Emily wanted to she could simply walk past and Tsia would go back to London.

She got the opposite reaction, upon seeing her friend, Emily's face lit up and she rushed over wrapping her arms around her friend. Feeling a tug on her pants Emily let go of Tsia and crouched down next to Declan.

"Dec, this is my friend Tsia" grinning up at the shock on Tsia's face "Tsia, this is my son Declan."

"Hello" Declan smiled and held his hand out to be shook "nice to meet you."

Tsia faltered, she knew that smile, and those eyes.

"It's a pleasure to meet you Declan" she finally took the little boy's offered hand.

"Come on up" Emily stood awkwardly holding tight to Declan with one hand, the other wrapped around Tsia's waist. Leading the two of them up to the apartment Emily took off her coat and then turned all of her attention to Declan, ignoring Tsia's gasp of surprise and questioning gaze at her changed figure.

After getting the little boy into dry clothes and settled watching a movie she led Tsia into the kitchen.

"Go ahead, ask your questions."

"Honestly, I don't even know where to start..."

"I'm not surprised" Emily smirked "she's due mid-June." she confirmed.

Tsia quickly counted back in her head "Did you know when you gave the extraction signal?"

"No..." Emily wasn't sure if the next piece of information would help or hurt "My OB estimates she wasn't conceived until after I requested extraction..." Emily let Tsia process this new information, admittedly Emily herself had boxed up the implications of her last month at the villa and was refusing to acknowledge what was done to her.

"She?"

"Yeah, Declan insisted we find out. He didn't want to upset the baby if their room was the wrong colour." Emily chuckled, that had been an interesting conversation.

"And you can't say no to him." Tsia paused "I'm not the only one with eyes you know." her gaze flickered over to where Declan was watching Aladdin "Those baby blues and that smile..."

"I know..." Emily agreed staring hard at her friend hoping beyond anything Tsia would let it go. "Ian Doyle told me he was the son of his housekeeper."

"Yes... yes he's Louise Thatcher's son" Tsia agreed, Emily's avoidance of them and Cruz's insistence on taking her straight back to the States made sense now.

They let conversation turn away to other topics, they knew the likelihood of tears and anger was high and neither wanted to upset Declan. As always the two women had common interests in literature and science and could chat for hours.

Later that evening once Declan was in bed they turned back to more serious topics.

"Did you even suspect?"

Tsia wouldn't even meet her gaze, instead focussing on the photo of Declan on Santa's lap.

"Looking back I can see all the little signs and I'm not sure why I didn't pick up on them. Especially after he said you missed check in, it didn't make sense, you'd never missed a check in before." She sighed "We didn't want a pattern developing so we drew straws every time. Jeremy was insistent that he be the one to go again, claimed if you were there he needed to see that you were ok for himself, said he felt responsible for the previous check in. He and Clyde fought over it... I wish I'd told them both to bugger off and gone myself."

"I wish you had too." reaching out Emily grabbed Tsia's hand "how long are you staying?"

"As long as I want to... as long as I'm welcome."

"And what reason are you going to give Sean when you tell him I'm never coming back to the JTF?"

Tsia tipped her head back and laughed "I should have known I couldn't get one past you... I'll tell him the truth... your priorities have changed and he's welcome to come here and try to convince you himself."

Tsia ended up staying in Chicago for a week, making Emily promise to call if she needed help when the baby came.

3 days after Tsia left Sean was on her doorstep. He understood Emily's desire to be away from the murky world of international espionage but the team he was putting together was going back to the basic mission of JTF-12. Profiling international terrorists and he wanted Emily in it.

He walked away disappointed but understanding.

With March came spring, Declan loved Pre-K and Emily was grateful when he made friends in his class. The mothers and fathers of said friends were wary at first of the haunted single mother but it eventually evaporated into friendliness. Not that Emily would call any of them friends.

April brought Matt Cruz from DC with the final report on Jeremy Wolff's actions during the last months of the operation. They'd found damning communication between Wolff and Marc Halsey along with the payout the former BND agent had received for his information. The German government had disavowed him and according to Cruz's information he was currently residing in a Siberian gulag. Emily hoped he rotted there for eternity.

May seemed to drag by, getting Declan to school 2 days a week and entertaining him the other 5 drained Emily more than she would admit. As each day passed she came closer and closer to picking up the phone and asking Tsia to come so there would be someone else to chase after the energetic 5 year old and she could nap away the last few weeks of pregnancy. Eleanor Prentiss surprised her by arriving on the 31st of May. 3 weeks early, long and wiry like her mother, as Emily stared at the new born she could see so much of both herself and Ian. Dark brown hair, Emily's ski jump nose, doe shaped eyes and high cheek bones. Ian's ears, chin and cornflower blue eyes. Just like Declan…

June was a blur for Emily, resetting all their routines around a very demanding Nell was tough for both her and Declan.

A phone call from one of the parents at the pre-k saw a group of them meeting in the park twice a week. Emily gratefully let the other parents dote over Nell while she relaxed for an hour. By the time the end of August rolled around Nell was no longer demanding to be held every second, so Emily could leave her in the stroller while she ran around with the older kids and gave Declan some much needed attention.

Some days Emily wondered what would have happened if she hadn't refused Ian. She would still be in Italy, still raising Declan and she would still have Nell.

She would still be Lauren Reynolds and chances are Ian would still be alive and she wouldn't be struggling to do this alone.

Would Ian have been happy with a daughter? Would he dote on her, conceding to her every whim or would he raise her as he would a son. To be a warrior?

Shaking off those dark thoughts got easier as time passed, banishing them completely was another story.

By the time Declan started school in September Emily was quietly confident that she had the hang of this whole parenting thing and would not be screwing up her kids beyond repair. The extra time also meant she could start preparing herself to go back to work. Every morning she would walk Declan to school, then spend the next hour jogging around the park with Nell in the stroller rebuilding her stamina. A call to the Chicago field office confirmed her credentials would allow her to use their gym and training facilities so she booked Nell into a nearby day care twice a week to ensure she was in top shape when her furlough was up.

On the 1st anniversary of Ian Doyle's death she kept Declan home from school and took her children to the zoo refusing to acknowledge that the day meant something.

END CHAPTER


	2. 2002

CHAPTER TWO

October 2002

Emily's 32nd birthday brought a surprise in the form of Elizabeth Prentiss. The day before she'd called her daughter out of the blue announcing she was in Chicago and wanted to take Emily to dinner to celebrate. The last time they had spoken had been when Emily's acceptance to the FBI academy had arrived on the same day as Elizabeth got her an interview with the State Department 7 years earlier.

Neither Prentiss woman had wanted to back down and both thought they knew what was best for Emily's life and future. The fight had ended when Emily stormed out yelling over her shoulder "Call me when you're going to be reasonable and let me make my own choices".

No phone call had come, both women believing the other would be the first to break and neither wanting to be that woman.

Elizabeth had been vacationing in Rome and stopped by the Embassy to give her regards to Ambassador Myers, during their catch up he'd had asked how Emily and her son was. Covering quickly Elizabeth had stated they were fine and changed the subject. Later that evening she'd tracked down Bobby to find out exactly what had happened, upon hearing Bobby's retelling of events the year before Elizabeth returned to Washington and tracked her daughter down in Chicago.

Emily turned down the dinner out, instead inviting her mother to the apartment.

Bottom lip firmly between her teeth Emily cast a nervous eye around her home and conceded that this is as good as it would get. Her home wasn't dirty or cluttered but it was evident that there were young children living there.

Clean clothes were in drawers, dirty ones in the hamper, the dishes were done, Nell's various paraphernalia was thrown into her play pen and Declan's legos tucked into a corner in the living room. It wasn't the perfectly immaculate mausoleums she had grown up in but her children were happy, healthy, clean and dressed.

She was winning.

At precisely 5:29 the intercom buzzed announcing Elizabeth's arrival and Emily's anxiety jumped up a notch.

After buzzing her mother up Emily stood at the front door waiting, Declan peering around her leg trying to see what had her so worked up when Nell woke and quickly made her discontent at being alone known. Not bothering to close the front door Emily walked into her room and scooped up the baby who smiled as soon as she was in someone's arms. Stepping back out into the hallway she found her mother standing in the door staring down at Declan who was staring back up at her. Both curious yet wary.

Clearing her throat broke the spell and both turned to look at her. Seeing the baby on Emily's hip Elizabeth gasps in surprise.

"Mother" Emily stepped forward to usher the older woman in "I see you've met Declan and this is Nell."

"I…I knew about Declan from Bobby… he didn't say anything about a baby." Elizabeth's breath hitched as she took in the changes to her daughter the last seven years had brought.

"I didn't even know about Nell when Declan and I got to the embassy" Emily hedged… while she hadn't been sure deep down she had known Doyle's manoeuvres had been successful. "she's 4 and a half months old."

Leading her mother down the hall to the living area, where they sat on the couch. Waving Declan over Emily wrapped an arm his shoulders "Mother, this is my son Declan… Declan this is…"

"Grandmama" Elizabeth interjected

That broke the awkwardness and 15 minutes later when Emily was pulling dinner out of the oven Elizabeth was sitting on the floor building legos with Declan. Nell watching happily from her bouncer.

The conversation was halting at first, neither knowing how to relate to the other when so much time had passed and so much had changed, especially for Emily.

"What are you doing with the children while you're at work?" Elizabeth had always had a full staff to help with Emily while she worked.

"I'm on a 12 month furlough at the moment" Emily was honest "I don't go back to work until the new year" Elizabeth had worked in international politics long enough to know that a furlough of that long was only given for one reason. She wouldn't ask for details as she knew Emily wouldn't tell but there was one thing she had to know.

Staring at her daughter long and hard Elizabeth saw a darkness that she never wanted Emily to experience "You went too deep didn't you?"

"Yes"

Elizabeth sighed and was tempted to push Emily further but knew it would do nothing but cause her daughter to shut down.

"Nell…" she changed the subject "short for Eleanor?"

"Yeah… I almost didn't… but then I remembered there's a long line of women whose shoulders she can stand on even if I'm the only one she ever knew." Emily reached out and grasped her mother's hand.

"Eleanor Emily… Emily Elizabeth… Elizabeth Eleanor… she has 200 years' worth of shoulders to stand on…"

"And their father?" Elizabeth had quickly noticed the lack of anything masculine in the house.

"Dead…" Emily refused to cry for Ian Doyle. His death was no loss to the world but when her mother gently ran her fingers through Emily's hair she felt a deep sorrow well up in her chest. She mourned the fact that her children would only ever have her… that she could never risk bringing anyone else into this… never give them a loving father.

Without warning a bone deep weariness took over her entire body, her head dropped and shoulders slumped, she didn't fight it as Elizabeth pulled her down so Emily's head was in her lap. She didn't know how long she lay there crying silently, her mothers hands gently stroking her hair.

Emily couldn't remember if they stopped having moments like this because she pulled away from her Mother or if she pulled away from her Mother because these moments stopped.

That night defrosted the relationship enough for tentative plans to be made for Emily and the children to go to DC for Christmas.

Not quite enough for Emily to want to live in the same city as her mother just yet.

* * *

In November she met with the Chicago field office SSAIC.

"Agent Prentiss" Malakai Shreeves was intrigued by the woman sitting in front of him "Your official file is a little thin but the references from Interpol, SSAIC Cruz and Chiefs Camplin, Strauss and Webber tell me I could place you anywhere in this office and you would be an asset. All three Chiefs have asked for you to be placed within their units so I've been a little unsure as what to do with you."

Emily blushed "Please pass my thanks onto the Chiefs for their praise."

"Will do, here's the thing your skills can be used anywhere and all my teams could use the extra support. What would you think of being a floater? You get your fingers in every pie and everyone gets to benefit from your skills." he would never tell her about the phone call he made to Matt Cruz.

"And you get the bonus of not having to tell any of the Chiefs that you picked one over the other" Emily smirked, she would not want to be in his shoes.

"Good point..."

"Sounds good. I'll need to re-certify, for weapons and field work. When do you want to organise it for?"

Shreeves check the calendar "How about you come in on 2nd and 3rd of January. Do all of your certifications and fitness evals and then you can hit the ground running on the 6th?"

Now she just needed to work out what to do with the kids.

Her mother solved the problem by organising a 'reputable' nanny service to contact Emily and two days later she was going through resume's. Much like during her collage waitressing day's Emily didn't comment on the money that appeared in her bank account every month and Elizabeth didn't hold it over her head.

By the last week of November she had a woman lined up to work 8:30 till 6 every day, Emily would drop Declan at school on her way to work while Nina looked after Nell and would pick him up in the afternoons.

* * *

Pushing aside her worry about flying with a 5 year old and 7 month old Emily packed up the kids and as planned took them to DC for Christmas with her mother.

The flight was not the nightmare as she'd envisioned. Nell hadn't been happy about the change in pressure during take-off and landing but it otherwise went smoothly.

Her mother was a different story.

The week she spent in DC reinforced Emily's desire to live in a different city to her mother. Unlike the night of her birthday everything she was doing was wrong from how she dressed the kids, to not forcing Declan to completely clean his plate at meals, to the gifts she'd purchased to go in their Santa stockings, to choosing the local public school instead of a private school, to still nursing Nell... the little niggling criticisms that only stopped when she packed up the kids to take them to a hotel on boxing day calling over her shoulder "call me when you're going to be reasonable".

This time it didn't take 8 years for Elizabeth to call, Emily had just strapped the kids into her rental car when her Mother came running out apologising.

By the time they got back to Chicago Emily was seriously considering taking a hit out on her mother, she vowed to herself no matter how much Elizabeth begged they would only be making the trip to DC once a year.

Her first two day's back at work could be classified as hellish. Despite all the work she put in to get back into shape passing the field work re-certification left her tired, sore and cranky. Both Declan and Nell clung to her when she got home in the afternoons. While Declan was used to the separation during school Nell had never been apart from her for more than a couple of hours. Both children ended up spending Thursday and Friday night in her bed.

Her first official week started with a promotion from Special Agent to Supervisory Special Agent and was spent with the various SSA's and team leaders getting up to date on each of their caseloads and team structures. Unsure as to how exactly this floating would work added to the suspicious glances everyone else sent her way Emily buried herself in case files and stuck to what she knew… spending all her time adding profiles to what they already had. SSAIC Shreeves trusted Matt Cruz's opinion enough to leave Emily to her own devices.

His trust was rewarded when her observations and profiles helped their teams immensely when dealing with all manner of people from witnesses to informants to local law enforcement.

The older agents were slow to trust her but by early February Shreeves noticed the rookies starting to go to her for advice on whatever they were working on. Emily would patiently walk them through whatever issue they needed help with before sending them on their way with a smile, she was coolly efficient and level headed never allowing heightened frustration and emotion from others to influence her. He knew from her personal file she had two dependents but she never spoke of them to any of the other agents and no photo's adorned her desk. She kept herself apart from the rest of the agents without making herself unapproachable.

The first time he ever saw a crack in her professional facade came in early March. A small time arms dealer was making some pretty big claims about his contacts in the international market. Emily was in the room when SSA Lydia Falk brought in the surveillance transcripts. They were all surprised by Emily's snort of derision when they got to the section with their dealers claims.

"Something you want to share Prentiss?" veteran Mick Toohey asked.

"Yeah, this guy's full of it." Emily retorted "He claims he's been one of Jean Baptiste's lieutenants for 10 years."

"What of it? Baptiste is a pretty big name to throw out without the balls to back it up."

"Which makes him stupid. Baptiste doesn't have lieutenants and doesn't work with anyone long term, he'll find someone young and ambitious show them the ropes and then cut them loose to either run their own operation or hook up with another dealer. You don't run with Baptiste for more than two years." Emily explained. "Once Baptiste gets wind of this he'll make his displeasure known very quickly."

"The gun fairy whisper that in your ear Prentiss?" Toohey scowled at her "Next you'll be telling us the colour of Halsey's boxers and how Doyle liked his coffee."

Shreeves and Falk didn't miss the flash of darkness that crossed Emily's face "Halsey goes commando and before he was killed Doyle drank Irish breakfast tea never coffee." a perfectly manicured eyebrow raised challengingly "Ghalib el Jazra has a fondness for Tennessee whisky, Miliani Taufa drinks Grey Goose on the rocks and Akuma… well he tends to go for lace bikini briefs… shall I go on?"

The entire room was silent, eyes darting between Emily and Toohey as they stared each other down. Most of them weren't sure what they were seeing in Emily but Shreeves knew that this was the agent that caught the eye of three different section Chiefs and earned the praise of Interpol.

Toohey didn't have a chance.

What the team did know is that the easy going Agent Prentiss they had gotten used to over the past 6 weeks wasn't there. Instead a woman with hauntingly dark eyes and a rage they didn't expect sat there, daring Toohey to say anything more, to question her knowledge. Toohey saw it too, but after years in the Bureau he knew exactly what he was seeing. An Agent who got fought their way through hell and unlike most who went into the depths came out the other side without having sold their soul.

He could respect that.

Without breaking eye contact he nodded slightly showing his acceptance of her knowledge. "What do we do with this guy then?" Toohey asked.

"Depends…" Emily shrugged "he could be trying to catch Baptiste's attention but he obviously doesn't know who he's dealing with. Baptiste won't come himself but send one of his current runners to scope him out. From the looks of everything else he said, this guy is a no one so Baptiste will have him killed and forget about it."

She looked around the room and saw stunned faces at her blunt assessment "or we could bring him in and question him to see if actually knows anything…"

That day something changed for the veteran agents, despite not knowing what she had been doing prior to being assigned in Chicago they realised that Emily had a breadth of knowledge they could use.

* * *

Declan's 6th birthday was celebrated with all of his school friends in the park across the road from their building. After a few awkward questions from the other parents about why they had no family around word seemed to get around to all of them not to ask about it.

At 10 months old Nell was crawling and starting to pull herself up on anything she could get to. Emily knew it wouldn't be long before she was walking. Unexpectedly her eyes had remained the same cornflower blue as when she was born, combined with Emily's dark hair, pale skin and bone structure the effect was striking.

She still had Ian's jaw, ears and mouth…

Declan was growing into a carbon copy of Ian… Emily didn't want to think about watching him grow up to look more and more like his Father, there were too many people who would want to use him if word got out. She just hoped she could continue to look past the face and see only her son.

* * *

April brought the first real challenge at work. They were trying to break a human trafficking ring that was operating in Chicago and they just needed a foot in the door. They'd decided to send one of their own in as bait and were going over the available agents who met the criteria.

Young, street savvy, preferably blond or brunette… alone.

They had a number of rookies who could pull it off based entirely on their physical appearance. Having the right personality for undercover was whole different ballgame.

Flipping through the personal files of the agents they'd narrowed it down to Emily was not impressed by what she was seeing. None of them had the bloody mindedness to see the mission through and she was seriously doubting their ability to dehumanise the people they would be meeting to get through this.

"Have you ever been undercover Toohey?" Emily asked the older agent after he told her to just pick the girl who looked right.

"A couple of short stints, drug busts… some vice"

"This isn't going to be just one night" Emily looked around the room "whoever we send in is going to have to integrate into the community and become well known enough to catch their eye. I'm talking two, three weeks minimum… mid and deep cover is nothing like going in for a night or two."

Toohey caught the hitch in her voice "What are you saying Prentiss?"

"I'm worried about their ability to immerse themselves into the character they'll be playing for that long."

"I still don't understand" one of the other SSA's said.

"Could any of these agents walk those streets night after night and not self-destruct? Walk past pimps smacking their girls around, junkies OD'ing, kids freezing and starving, people who are lost, homeless and helpless, uncared for and forgotten, and not do anything? Focus on the mission and make a conscious choice to keep walking and not try to stop what is going on around them. We know the others worked as prostitutes when money got too tight, so could any of these agents go all the way with a john if it meant maintaining their cover?"

"Could you do it?" Falk asked

"Yes…" Emily stated flatly, she knew that all the traits that allowed her to so completely become Lauren Reynolds still existed. The ability to compartmentalise what she was seeing, hearing and feeling, the goal orientation and ability switch off from your own history and morals.

"Would you do it?" Shreeves was curious, undercover work required trust in a team that Emily simply didn't have and while there was no mention of undercover work in her file, her file was suspiciously thin and what was in there was mostly blacked out.

"No" the darkness flashed back again. "For starters I'm too old…" the tension broke slightly but none of them missed just how in depth Emily's knowledge of deep cover was.

Eventually they pulled in a recent academy graduate, Ria Marquez, at 25 she looked about 15 and had survived growing up in South Central LA. She was the agent Emily was most confident could get through this.

She spent 2 day's preparing the younger woman, she wasn't ideal for the operation but the more time Emily spent with her the more she was confident that Ria could get through this.

"One of the worst things is going to be the isolation. Outside of the scheduled check ins you won't be able to contact any of us and you won't be able to contact any of your friends or family."

"If you need to get out then get out by whatever means necessary. The only failure is if you come out in a body bag so you need to make sure you do what you need to to stay alive."

"You'll be sleeping rough and proper meals will be scarce, so keep a stash of protein bars easily accessible so you can keep up your strength."

"Trust your team, they have your back and won't let you down." the last piece of advice was the hardest for Emily to give, she hoped Ria hadn't caught her lack of conviction in the statement.

It was May before they got the break they needed, as Emily feared the 5 weeks undercover had left Ria torn between who she had been and who she had been forced to become. The take down had been one of the more unpleasant she had been involved in. They had gone in just after sunrise to try and lower the chance of casualties. Three of the five perpetrators had been killed along with one of the local cops and two SWAT members were in hospital.

It was just after 4 in the afternoon when they finally wrapped everything up, Emily wrapped her hand around Ria's shoulders.

"Come on, I'll take you home."

They were silent until they got out to Emily's car. Ria couldn't conceal her surprise at the baby seat in the back but knew how intensely private Emily was so didn't comment. Once they were comfortably stuck in late afternoon traffic Emily spoke.

"When you get home shower, put your favourite PJ's on, make your favourite dinner and put in your favourite movie."

"Why?"

"Because the next few days are going to be hard. You'll feel disconnected from everything that makes you you. You're going to struggle with being Ria again and those things that you love so much can help to remind you, they might make it easier to reconnect."

"Might?" Ria scoffed

"Yeah, it's different for everyone… what helps them reconnect… a part of you is gone forever but the big part… your experiences, wants, desires, plans, memories, likes and dislikes are still there." Emily could still remember the moment she placed her Matryoshka Doll up on the mantle, the way the final piece of the Emily Prentiss felt like it slid into place.

"How long?"

"How long what?" Emily knew what she was asking

"You never said it straight out but how long were you under?"

"Too long"

The rest of the car ride was silent until Emily pulled up outside Ria's apartment.

"Call me if you need anything…"

Ria nodded tightly as she got out of the car and Emily went home to her kids.

The call didn't come that night… or the night after. In fact it took 4 day's for the breakdown Emily had been waiting for.

The phone call came at 3am from a concerned bartender. Ria had drunk herself into a stupor at a downtown bar and the only thing she had on her was a wad of cash and Emily's business card. Giving the guy her address she instructed him to put the younger woman in a cab. Knowing it was at least a 15 minute ride Emily pulled a sweater on over her pyjama's before moving Nell from her crib to Declan's bed. At least then if something woke her up she would simply go back to sleep instead of demanding Emily's company.

20 minutes later the cab pulled up, Emily paid the driver and hauled a barely conscious Ria upstairs.

"I can't find her…" Ria slurred into Emily's ear as she was guided into the elevator.

"I know"

Once in the apartment Emily got her changed into a set of sweats, poured Ria into her bed and curled up in the lazy boy she'd never bothered moving since Nell started sleeping through the night.

It was good for the nights when sleep eluded her.

Six am rolled around, Ria didn't wake but Declan and Nell did.

Taking the kids through their normal Sunday morning routine Emily left her to sleep. When she still hadn't emerged by 10 Emily taped a note to the bedroom door and took the kids across the road for a picnic.

When they got home Ria was gone.

Emily left it alone, if Ria was going to self-destruct she wouldn't be able to stop it no matter how much she wanted to. This was something the younger woman would need to work out on her own.

* * *

By the time Memorial Day rolled around Ria seemed to be finding her new balance. Emily still kept a close eye on her but didn't need to intervene and there were no more late night phone calls.

Emily was nervous about the day itself. An email had gone around to all of the staff at the field office inviting them to a picnic in North Avenue Beach, the Bureau had booked out an entire section of the beach for the Agents, staff and their families.

This would be the first time she let anyone from the Bureau meet Nell, and Declan hadn't seen any agents since Matt Cruz visited just over a year earlier.

Pulling into the park she made quick work of getting their gear out, cooler tucked into the bottom of the stroller, Nell strapped in, Declan clutching his soccer ball as he ran circles around them. She could see off in the distance the where they were set up and pushed off in their direction in no particular hurry to deal with the inevitable questions and comments.

Agent Hsu saw them first, the surprise on his face catching the attention of Golding who turned to see what the other agent was gawking at.

The Agent Prentiss they knew was a complete dichotomy to what they were seeing now. Gone was the conservative dark suit, and coolly professional facade that very little could crack and in front of them was a relaxed woman smiling brightly at the little boy she was kicking a soccer ball with while keeping control of the stroller in a well-practised routine.

When she finally managed to make it over to the main group Emily set them up on the edge. Most of the agents tried to watch unobtrusively but Emily knew she was now the centre of attention.

Lydia Falk didn't bother trying and walked straight up to Emily.

"You going to introduce me?"

"Hey" Emily grinned from her spot kneeling next to the stroller "This is Nell…" she ran a gentle hand through the baby's hair "and this is Declan."

Lydia took the hand Declan offered her "I'm Lydia, it's nice to meet you Declan."

"This is a surprise" she said as Emily stood with Nell on her hip.

"You know how it is, keep the job out of the house and the house out of the job."

"And the old guard would never have given you a chance if they knew you had young kids at home." Lydia finished.

"Mommy…" Declan tugged on her hand "can we keep playing please?"

"Sure thing grá" she hoisted Nell a little higher "Join us?" she asked Lydia.

"Sure"

Within minutes more children and agents gravitated over and joined their game.

Later in the day Emily was sitting in front of the stroller patiently feeding Nell, Declan leaning against her munching on his own hotdog when Shreeves wandered up and sat down with them.

Declan quickly finished his lunch and ran off to play with the other kids, leaving Emily and Shreeves to chat.

"It's just you and the kids?"

"Yeah…" Emily debated with herself for a moment, the next question was always what happened to their father. "Her father died just before I found out I was pregnant." she and Matt had decided she would stick to the truth as closely as possible without giving any details away. Emily watched him closely gauging his reaction… hoping this wouldn't change the way he treated her at the office.

"That's tough… she's about one?"

"Yeah... Monday"

Two days later Nell turned one… Emily kept the day quiet, just the three of them a cake and a few small gifts. Nell wouldn't have any memory of the day and there would be plenty more birthdays to come.

* * *

Throughout the summer Emily's case load got larger and larger as the teams relied on her behavioral analysis to boost their investigations. The bouncing between teams continued to work well for all involved, the team leaders each tried to convince her to join their team permanently Emily turned them all down with a smile.

She genuinely enjoyed how varied the work she was doing and didn't want to change it anytime soon.

On the second anniversary of Ian Doyle's death Emily took the day off work, and once again kept Declan home from school and took the kids to the zoo.

Throughout the day she kept a close eye on Declan, unsure if he remembered or understood what the day meant. Not since his first birthday in Chicago had he brought up Ian, Louise or his life before Emily brought him to America.

Even his accent was gone.

That night he crawled into her bed and curled into her.

"You ok grá?"

"Yeah…" he murmured "I had a dream."

"Tell me about it?" she shuffled around so she was on her side wrapped around him.

"We were playing… you were chasing me around a room… we were both laughing… you hugged me and then a man walked in. You were talking… then yelling but I couldn't understand what you were saying… he grabbed me… tried to take me away from you… you were screaming, trying to stop him and then I woke up."

"Do you know who the man was?

"Sort of… you know the guy we see at the shop sometimes. I don't know him but I do… you know what I mean?"

"Yeah I know grá."

Emily was quiet for a moment… he remembered but only in dreams for now.

"Dec, you know that no one will ever take you away from me don't you?" she felt his head nod "you me and Nell, we're a team forever."

He didn't nod again but she had felt his breathing change as sleep took over.

Emily barely slept that night.

Ian Doyle was dead… but she knew he would haunt her forever.

She just hoped that this would be it for her boy, a few vague memories that only came out in his dreams.

END CHAPTER


	3. 2003

CHAPTER 3

November 2003

The first snow fall of the year occurred mid-November and was more like frozen rain than actual snow. Emily was flicking through various case files when one in particular caught her eye. The Cook County PD had forwarded it with a request to keep an eye out for any similar cases. Something tickled the back of Emily's mind... she had seen this before.

Black male, late teens to early 20's, COD gunshot wound to the base of the neck... that was odd... the note at the bottom stated probable gang killing. Flicking through the ME's photo's her sharp eye caught the lack of gang related tattoo's, the bruise pattern and victimology… this kid wasn't a gang banger. This kill was planned and precise... she had definitely seen this before.

Standing, her eye's still on the case report she made her way to the elevator, went three floors down and disappeared into the archives.

3 hours later she emerged arms full of case files from across Illinois going back more than 15 years. Making her way into the conference room she dumped the files out on the table and started going through them one by one.

Victim, ME's report, crime scene photo... a handful were discarded. The gunshot placement and the bruising pattern didn't match.

5pm rolled around, she called Nina and asked if she could stay late... kids taken care of Emily went back to the white board.

18 Victims in 15 years... bodies dumped May 10 and November 10 all in public places... there were gaps but there was a geographic pattern... if she could find it then she could close the gaps... bodies spread from Waukegan to Rockford to Peoria to Chicago itself... all across the state. At least 3 years between cities, no wonder no one had picked it up yet. She'd seen a case file from Watseka in May...

Emily stepped backwards until her thighs hit the table, pulling herself up onto it she stared at the board containing all the victims and the map she'd pinned out the dumpsites on.

All black males, youngest 19 oldest 24, no gang affiliations, severe bruising directly over the heart in round circles like they'd been shot with a rubber bullet over and over again. COD gunshot to the base of the skull.

Picking up the pad of paper next to her she stated to jot down notes.

Black male 45-55

Meticulous

Patient

Well educated

travels for work?

family?

A knock on the conference room door startled her, whipping her head around to see Shreeves looking at her curiously.

"It's after 7 Prentiss, what are you still doing here?"

"Come look at this" Emily beckoned him over "There's a serial killer working all over Illinois"

Shreeves studied the board... his breath coming quicker as he processed the information in front of him.

"You got a profile yet?" he trusted her knowledge and instincts implicitly, if she wasn't sure she wouldn't have said it.

"The start of one" Emily admitted

"Ok" he studied the pattern "lock down this room for your use only. Go home, sleep on it and in the morning see if you can track down the rest of the victims. Then write up the profile for us."

Emily didn't really sleep that night.

She'd arrived home just in time to bath the kids and put them to bed. Then she sat back down with her case files to try and map out the patterns and locations of the unidentified cases. Around 3am her eyes drifted closed... two hours later she woke with the imprint of a ME's report on her forearm.

She showered dressed and kept working until it was time to get Nell and Declan up. Files packed away from little eyes, she took the kids through their morning routine ensuring they were both dressed and fed before Nina arrived.

She warned the nanny that she might need to work late for the next few nights before bundling Declan into the car for the school run.

Her morning was spent calling the different sheriff and police departments she'd identified as having possible victims, requesting they check their case files.

By lunch time she'd identified another 6 victims, with 6 still unknown.

By the end of the day she had three more victims and a preliminary profile written up, sitting in Shreeves office they went through everything she had found so far.

"I called the state police last night..." Shreeves told her "Gave them a quick rundown of what we found and they said the case is ours. They don't have the resources to run with something of this magnitude."

Emily nodded thoughtfully "You going to bring in the BAU?"

"You don't want to run with this?"

Emily shrugged "I know my work is solid but..." she sighed "I can't do this on my own and my ego isn't going to suffer because we need the help. This is the kind of case the BAU is there for. Call them in."

Shreeves packed up the file for urgent delivery to Quantico.

12 Hours later Jason Gideon picked up the urgent consult request and started reading.

Normally a consult request would have gaps in it, information a local PD or field office would not consider important but were critical to the profiling process. Things like the table that listed each victim chronologically and confirmed their last known location, dump site, body position, bruise pattern and COD, the unknown victims were there as well with their possible location and the status of the information request with the locals. Whoever had put this consult request together also included cases that were similar but had been excluded from the victim pool and why.

As he went through he made his own notes, built his own theory and preliminary profile.

The last two pages surprised him, they were a profile completed by one of the Agents out of Chicago and he was impressed. The insights into the un-subs behaviour were rare for an agent outside the BAU, in fact many of her conclusions matched his own.

Picking up his phone he dialed JJ "We have a case in Chicago, let the team know we're leaving first thing."

The next morning Gideon quickly briefed the team without handing over Agent Prentiss' profile. She was very good but he didn't want her profile to colour his teams conclusions.

When they arrived at the Chicago field office he pulled Shreeves aside and requested a meeting with Agent Prentiss in private before the rest of the team met her.

"SSA Emily Prentiss, this is Jason Gideon unit chief of the BAU."

She was younger than he was expecting, but there was a hardness to her that belied her age. At first glance she was soft, pretty, naive... then he saw the steel beneath the facade.

As the three of them spoke in Shreeves office Gideon could see Hotch watching them while the rest of the team went over the murder board Emily had been working on for 3 days.

"Just so you're aware none of my team has seen your profile yet." the only visible reaction was a slight narrowing of the eyes, but other than that her expression remained neutral as it had for the last 10 minutes "the only reason I've held it back from them is to not colour their observations and conclusions. When I got through the case file I compared your profile with what I had deduced and apart from a few minor differences your analysis of the un-subs behaviour was incredibly accurate for someone who has never been through the BAU training program"

There it was, her bottom lip went ever so quickly between her teeth.

Gideon really wanted to see this not-profiler in action.

Over the next 24 hours as his team worked through the profile he noticed her meld into the background easily. Listening to everything as they threw ideas and observations around, she soaked up the way they profiled and he could see the way she was reveling in the challenge that was being presented.

At the same time she held herself back... separate from not just his team but from everyone else as well. She was respected and liked by the other agents but from what he was hearing around the office she refused to join any of the various teams on a permanent or long term basis no matter how many times they asked.

Hotch was the only one who noticed the interest Gideon was showing in the young local and when questioned Gideon smirked and handed over Emily's profile.

"She'll make a good addition." was all Hotch said.

Several days passed as they tracked her unsub and the more Gideon saw of her the more he was convinced that Prentiss was a better profiler than 90% of the applicants to the BAU... she was a better profiler than she had any right to be.

At the end of day 6 they had their unsub in Cook County lock up. Shreeves pulled Gideon into his office.

"You're going to ask Prentiss to transfer to the BAU, aren't you?" Shreeves hadn't gotten to where he was by beating around the bush.

"You don't think I should?" Gideon turned the question back around.

Looking hard at the profiler, Shreeves pulled Emily's file out of a locked drawer and handed it over.

"You tell me."

Gideon flipped through the file skimming through a work history that didn't match her full skill set and knowledge. Up until a little over a year ago she'd been in linguistics working out of the London Bureau office. Nothing but a desk jockey and translator.

"I'm guessing when she was assigned here you made a few phone calls?" Gideon asked when he got to the end.

"Only one, Matt Cruz and I went to the academy together. He said she was one of the best he'd ever seen and if he'd had his way she'd be in JTTF with him in Washington running a team but she turned it down and requested an assignment here in Chicago where she has no family, no friends and no history. Whatever happened while she was in Europe burned her badly, Matt wouldn't tell me anything, and everything she worked on is classified beyond my level."

Shreeves didn't mention Declan and Nell... he would let Emily tell Gideon about the kids when she was ready. Just like she had the rest of them.

Later that evening Gideon flashed his badge at Emily's doorman and made his way up to her apartment.

To his momentary surprise there was half asleep toddler on her hip.

"I have a place for you in Washington" Gideon didn't bother letting her greet him. "For someone with no formal training you're a damn good profiler and I want you for my team."

"Gideon..." Emily sighed it seemed he was giving up on subtlety. "Come in..." she opened the door for him and led him down the hall to the kitchen where Declan had spread his colouring supplies from one end of the table to the other.

"Dec, this is Agent Gideon... Gideon, my son Declan." She introduced the two, "and this is Nell" she indicated the toddler who's eyes had slid shut.

In that moment he found the final piece of the puzzle, he knew why she was hesitating. It was written all over the scene he'd walked into.

"Wine?" she asked canting her head towards the other side of the kitchen. He followed her and watched with interest as she easily poured two glasses of wine around the sleeping child before grabbing a remote, hitting the play button soft jazz echoed through the room.

"We can talk freely, Declan won't be able to hear and she's mostly asleep."

"Did you want to put her down?" he asked, knowing just how much of a dead weight a sleeping toddler was.

"Give her 5 minutes or she'll wake up and cry when I do."

Gideon studied her intently, all the new pieces being added to the profile he had been building for the past week.

"You've been avoiding me since I first asked if you had ever considered joining the BAU." he stated

"Yes"

"At first I thought it was because you didn't want it, but now... you want it, you're good at it and you don't want to talk to me about it because you're worried I'll be able to convince you to come to Washington."

He could almost feel her walls slamming down as her eyes went hard and all the little tells he'd been cataloguing disappeared behind a cool professional facade.

"So…" Emily shifted Nell so she was being cradled "...tell me why I'm probably going to say no. Profile me!" she challenged.

"You thrived on this case. I saw it and Shreeves saw it, the complexity of it challenged you and you loved it. You're more driven and smarter than every person in that office... it's a waste of your talent and you know it, I know it and Shreeves knows it but you choose to be here in Chicago. You work well with every team here, you're flexible and respected but you've refused every single request to join a team. You don't like working alone... but you refuse to work with a team... something happened in London, you let your team down?" a flash of betrayal got past her defences "no... they left you behind, didn't they?" the subtle clench of her jaw told him he was on the right track.

"Moving to the BAU means trusting a team to watch your back again."

He paused as she silently left the kitchen. Gideon didn't bother to follow her instead studied a photo tacked to the fridge, Nell looked quite a bit younger. They were on a beach, Emily seated with Nell in her lap and Declan wrapped around her from behind his chin on her shoulder. When Emily returned it was without Nell.

"There's photos of you and the children everywhere, all major events of the last two or so years are documented all over the walls. They're your life… the centre of your world but the photo's tell their own interesting story. There's photo's of Nell from birth but Declan's start when he's around 4, there's no likeness between you and Declan but when you add Nell people see the similarities between the children and automatically assume he's your son. He and Nell have the same father, but not mother. I doubt you ever correct people when they assume they're both your biological children." Emily's breath hitched, no one else had come this close to the truth.

"There's no one else in the photo's with you three, no father, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends. There are no photo's of you before the children and no photo's of anyone else at all. You're alone here in Chicago and your home is clean but well lived in and anybody visiting would know that that those two kids are an integral part of it, but all the furniture is fairly new as well. No more than two years old which means you purchased everything when you moved to Chicago."

He was battering away at her walls relentlessly, tearing them down one correct observation after another.

"You're settled here in Chicago but you have no support system and nothing truly stopping you from accepting my offer unless…" he paused "it's Washington. There's something there you're avoiding. Their father maybe?"

"My mother actually" Emily shrugged.

"We're based in Quantico so as long as you live south of there avoiding her shouldn't be too hard"

"That leaves just the kids… Nell is not yet two and Declan six. An assignment to the BAU means a lot of travel and being by yourself with kids this young you're not willing to take that on." Emily nodded her agreement at his last statement.

"I'll make you a deal. You join the BAU and I'll guarantee you 7 out of 8 weeks at home. Same type of position as here, you can float between teams providing support on an as needed basis from Quantico. You'll travel with me for custodial interviews and 1 case in the field with my team every 2 months. Then when you're ready you can start traveling with a team. Hopefully by then we would have earned your trust."

She watched him silently, trying to decide how trustworthy he was. It took a moment but she finally realised what had drawn her to him, everything about this man was the opposite of Jeremy and Clyde. Clyde would promise the world and deliver a marble, Jeremy would skit and skirt an issue, avoiding any type of commitment to another human being.

Gideon would never abandon a member of his team.

"Their father is dead and Declan is mine" her voice was rough, there was no point in lying to Gideon he would know straight away "I don't give a shit what a DNA test says, he's my son." Gideon nodded his acceptance of her statement.

"I'll call Strauss and ask her to release my full file to you, it contains my behavioural analyses training from Scotland Yard, don't make a formal offer until after you've read it. My team didn't leave me behind. One of them sold me out, compromised my assignment."

There was more... much more she wasn't saying. Gideon had been in the Bureau long enough to accept some people just couldn't tell him everything.

"I won't pull Declan out of school in the middle of the year. We stay in Chicago until July." Emily refused to do what her mother did to her so many times.

"That's fine" Gideon ignored her comment about her file "We'll transfer you now and you can handle our mid-west consults out of the field office."

Holding his hand out to her he waited as she studied him intently hoping against all hope she was making the right decision for all of them.

She took his hand and they shook on it.

The kitchen dropped into a very awkward silence both profilers contemplating the other until Emily couldn't take it anymore.

"Have you had dinner?"

Gideon shook his head, accepted her offer at a home cooked meal and sat down with Declan at the table while she finished making dinner. She turned off the music and listened as Gideon asked the boy about his favourite books and what he was reading for school. His little feet quickly thundered down the hall to his room, waking Nell in the process.

"Mama hug, Mama hug, Mama hug…"

"Thanks Dec" Emily sighed as she went to get her.

Plucking Nell out of the crib Emily let the 18 month old hug her as tightly as she was able before setting her on her feet and letting her wander her way down the hall, she'd be asleep again within the hour.

5 minutes later Declan was haltingly reading aloud to Gideon who helped him along, Nell had toddled up to Gideon hugging and patting his leg until he lifted her up onto his lap.

Teaching her stranger danger was going to be an absolute bitch.

Emily watched the scene as she pottered around the kitchen, when Gideon leaned closer to Declan and helped him sound out a word a lump rose in her throat. She tried to swallow it down but it wouldn't dislodge, she'd never seen this before, never allowed anyone to get close enough… it was always her helping Declan with his reading and cuddling Nell. There was only her. Turning away from them as the tears pooled in her eyes she wondered what it would be like to let people back in.

Was she doing more damage by keeping people out? She always took Declan to the school events and birthday parties, had even thrown him his own in the park earlier in the year, but when was the last time she took them out to socialise? Memorial Day… she turned down every other invite from work mates and other than Annette her neighbour the only person who had been in their apartment more than once since Nell's birth was the nanny.

Tsia hadn't been back since the previous April, Emily always said it wasn't a good time, same with her mother. She hadn't let anyone else get close enough to be a part of this.

Over two years since she'd fled the villa and nothing had happened… no one had come looking for them so why was she still hiding? Why was she letting Ian Doyle and Jeremy Wolff control their life like this?

* * *

Four weeks later they were boarding a flight to DC for Christmas.

Originally she hadn't planned on leaving until the 23rd but Gideon had asked for her to come out a week earlier to spend some time with the team and get a feel for how the BAU functioned. He would also be handing over the Mid-West consults to her.

Work was the furthest thing from her mind right then. Flying with a toddler sucked.

The year before had been so easy, Nell was content as long as she was being held and Emily had let her nurse during take off and landing but now she'd finally gotten curious about the world and wanted to explore everything and meet everyone. Declan as always was perfectly well behaved, Nell had been told she couldn't go see what was behind the curtains and under the chairs. The resulting tantrum was mostly over and she was soothing herself sucking on Emily's collarbone.

So much for big bad FBI Agent Prentiss.

The pressure is too much for Nell and there is another meltdown as the plane starts its descent into Dulles. Emily is ready to have her own tantrum by the time she manages to collect their luggage and rental car... maybe she should drive back to Chicago... then again... she looked at Declan's sullen face and Nell's tear stained one maybe not, at least the flight was over quickly.

The week spent at Quantico was interesting. Most of her time was spent with Gideon and Agent Jareau, "JJ" she insisted, as the younger woman walked her through how they decided which cases the team would take and which were delegated to a written consult. They would be routing all the mid-west requests through Emily for the next 6 months and she needed to know which was which. Gideon also made sure she was up to date on the latest behavioural research.

Having read her full file in the intervening month Gideon was disturbed to see that after her furlough while she had passed the physical with flying colours a psychological eval hadn't been done at any point since her extraction. She should have been seeing the field office counselor from the moment she arrived in Chicago and not allowed back to work without clearance. She'd done pretty well on her own, and no major intervention was required but... the trust issues would take time and effort from all of them. On her last day there Emily admitted to him that she'd already recognised just how closed off she kept them but wasn't quite sure how to correct it yet.

As for the rest of the team she wasn't sure what to think of Hotch, the man didn't seem to react to anything. Morgan was a nice guy, a bit of a player, Lachlan was too jittery and set her teeth on edge and there was something about the way Gideon spoke about the man that told her as soon as she was ready to join a field team Lachlan would be transferring out. If she could truly break this self-imposed isolation then Emily could see herself becoming good friends with JJ.

Penelope Garcia was a whole different story. Emily wasn't sure what to think of the Technical Analyst who seemed to view the world through rose coloured glasses and only see the good. Smiling softly as the blonde walked away Emily thought just maybe they could do with some of that in their lives.

Much like the previous Christmas Elizabeth wasn't shy about letting Emily know when she didn't agree with how she was handling the children but was shocked into toning it down when Emily announced on Christmas Day they were moving to DC in July.

* * *

Upon arrival back at the office on the 27th Emily discovered 15 BAU consults sitting on her desk.

The rest of the Field Office hadn't taken the news of her transfer well. Shreeves had no idea how he was going replace her… or if it was even possible.

In February she started the process of finding them a house.

Her Mother had offered to let them stay with her for as long as they needed. Emily would do everything in her power to make sure they had a house to move into by the time they left Chicago, a week or two was hard enough.

She'd paid cash when she'd bought their apartment two years ago and had taken advantage of her parents presence while in DC at Christmas so she could to fly to Rome, move the contents of her lock box to a bank and put the flat up for sale. That would give her a deposit and the equity on their current place would make purchasing a house easier.

Gideon was right, living south of Quantico would make avoiding her mother a fairly simple task, lessen the commute time and be cheaper to buy in. Pulling up a map she decided anywhere along the I-95 from Quantico to Fredricksburg would do.

She quickly sent an email to a real estate agent in the area outlining her preferences, price limit and timeline.

Back and forth over the next eight weeks she was sent the details of houses in Ramoth, Stafford, Roseville, Garrisonville, Arkendale and Aquia and none of them seemed to catch her eye. Finally at the beginning of April the agent sent her the details of a cottage in Aquia Harbour. On paper it was perfect, four bedrooms, huge backyard, 25 minutes from the academy and fantastic schools. Maybe they could take the weekend... she quickly replied stating she was definitely interested and requested a viewing that Saturday.

She booked a flight to DC late Friday evening and the return for lunchtime Sunday.

Her next email was to JJ and Garcia letting them know she was in DC for the weekend, since meeting them both the previous December the three had struck up a tentative friendship. Emily had been worried that she'd forgotten how to actually be friends with someone but the two blondes made it so easy. Pausing as she typed Emily remembered her Mother had left for Austria for three months the week before which left her with the run of the townhouse but no childcare.

Re-wording the email she invited them to a girl's night in... if they didn't catch a case. Pizza, wine and a movie.

Another flight and another two meltdowns from Nell...

The house was everything the photo's promised it would be. She placed an offer on it that morning.

When the doorbell rang at 6:30 Emily nervously picked at her nails as she led JJ and Garcia through to the kitchen. She hadn't told the other women she had children and was pretty sure Gideon hadn't mentioned it either.

"Oh my God" Garcia gasped and grabbed at Emily's forearm "you have mini-me's... did we know about this?" she asked JJ

"No we didn't." JJ confirmed wide eyed at the scene she was presented with.

Introductions were quickly made and the three women sat down with their wines. Declan playing quietly in the corner, Nell being drawn to Garcia's bright personality and clothes went straight up to the tech and lifted her arms to be held.

"She won't let you put her down" Emily warned as Garcia lifted Nell on her lap.

A full slice of pizza is beyond the 22 month old but Emily throws bits of garlic bread and toppings onto the highchair tray grateful she would eat anything put in front of her.

Once the children were in bed they opened another bottle of her mothers wine and settled into an easy flowing conversation. Garcia was outrageous and only got more so with JJ's dry comments and encouragement. Emily couldn't remember the last time she had laughed that hard.

A couple of times Garcia starts to ask about a partner... Emily pretends not to notice when JJ kicks her.

Her offer on the house is accepted, contracts exchanged and a move date of July 3rd set.

* * *

By the time Declan's school breaks for summer Emily has most of the apartment packed up and ready to go. Much to her relief everything goes smoothly and the movers don't lose anything between Chicago and Virginia.

The day their belongings finally arrive Emily is standing in the hall wondering how on earth she is going to get the kids rooms and the kitchen unpacked by nightfall when a knock at the door signals the arrival of JJ, Garcia, and Morgan accompanied by Gideon's newest find Agent Doctor Spencer Reid.

Morgan and JJ set to work on putting all the furniture back together, Nell completely disregarded the Reid effect and latched onto the young man leaving him on toddler duty by default. Garcia heads to the kitchen while she and Declan work on the bedrooms.

The next afternoon Gideon is at her front door with a young woman.

"Emily this is Ayesha..."

15 minutes later Emily and Gideon are sitting on the back porch with a beer while Ayesha plays with the kids.

"She's 21, a qualified Nanny, has a brown belt in judo." Emily watched him out of the corner of her eye as he smiled proudly "She was a ward of the state from the age of 10 when we broke a human trafficking ring and rescued her along with 20 other kids... we never found her parents... she writes to me every month... she got accepted to Georgetown but couldn't afford to attend full time so she's been taking classes here and there when she can." he paused and studied Emily as she studied the young woman with her kids.

"Stay for dinner?" She asks

By the time desert is finished Emily has made up her mind. Sensing the two women need some time to talk privately Gideon takes the kids into the living room and settles with them and a book.

"Did Gideon tell you everything?" Ayesha asks.

"He told me enough" Emily pulls two more beers out of the fridge and handed one over "here's what I'm thinking. For the next couple of years I won't be traveling nearly as much as Gideon but that will change by the time Nell goes to school but I'll still need someone here overnight regularly. You get full room and board, standard live in rates whatever they are but there are ground rules."

"And they are?" Ayesha was struggling to get a read on this woman.

"When I'm here, your day starts at 08:30. I'll get them up, dressed, fed and will drop Declan at school on my way to work. You'll be doing the school pick up for Dec at 3pm and then when I'm home I take over. I don't expect you to take care of them when I'm here which means your evenings and weekends are yours. You're free to go out and do what you want but no one comes back to the house, no friends or boyfriends. I'm warning you right now, if you ever bring someone back here without my explicit permission you're done." Ayesha nodded in agreement.

"Gideon said you've been trying to get your degree part time?"

"Yeah... money's been a bit tight. My last position wasn't live in and well..." she hesitated "the parents weren't home a lot"

"I know how that goes" Emily muttered under her breath remembering being that kid "I want you to get your degree, so whatever you need to complete a minimum of one class a semester I'll make sure you get it."

Within a week Ayesha had settled in and a new normal for Emily and the kids was found.

By the time Labour Day rolled around Emily had been out with the team on a case along with several custodial interviews with Gideon. Declan was looking forward to starting the second grade and Nell was speaking in complete but occasionally garbled sentences.

They spoke occasionally about the Valhalla Operation, mostly late at night when Gideon had returned from a case and turned up at her door with a bottle of wine. That first night in her apartment a beautiful friendship between Declan and Gideon had started. Seeing her boy with a good man to look up to was something she never thought she'd see.

On the 3rd anniversary of Ian Doyle's death Emily once again took a personal day, kept Declan home from school and visited the zoo with her children. That night Gideon arrived on her doorstep with a fantastic bottle of red and a post card from Colorado Springs for Declan's 'Gideon's travelling Wall'

As Gideon emptied the last of the wine into their glasses around midnight Emily finally found the courage to ask what kept him coming around.

"Those two children of yours... they're pure... untouched by the darkness and a balm on my soul."

Their eyes met and Gideon almost recoiled with shock over the haunted look in Emily's eyes, he'd seen flashes of it before but never this naked pain. The Valhalla operation had left her with scars like the fisher kings wounds. He knew she was still hiding something, something he suspected had happened that last night in the villa that had never made it into her report and it was eating her alive.

Reaching out he placed his wine on the coffee table and pulled her into a hug. Her body tensed at the contact and then relaxed into the simple comfort and affection he offered.

"That's why I put a bullet between their fathers eyes" she whispered.

END CHAPTER


	4. 2004

AN: A couple of reviewers have commented positively on how I've treated the fall out of Emily's time undercover. I found it interesting how on the show they acknowledged how far Emily went to hide and protect Declan but never touched on how far she had to go to become Lauren Reynolds in the first place. I've included sections in later chapters that cover this. I've tried to honour the character of Emily while diving into the sacrifice required to become Lauren in the first place and the fight to get Emily back.

Wren: No the tense change in chapter 3 wasn't deliberate... in fact I can't even find it.

Guest: I ignored Emily's CIA history on purpose. I needed her background to be FBI in order to make a couple of scene's later on work.

As stated in chapter one this story is finished. There are a total of 10 chapters plus epilogue, I'll continue updating daily.

* * *

CHAPTER 4

October 2004

After her revelation to Gideon Emily was surprised when he didn't force her to front up to the OPR and admit to executing the subject of an international investigation.

That night for the first time she had spoken honestly about her last weeks in the villa. The fear when extraction didn't come, the way Doyle became so possessive and paranoid when she wasn't with him. The way each day he kept her closer to him and watched her constantly. At first she had thought it was because her cover had been blown but months later she realised he was watching for evidence of Nell.

How the longer she refused his request the less gentle he was when grasping her until one day he left finger shaped bruises on her wrist. How she knew it was only a matter of time before he got impatient enough to pin her down and cut the implant out himself. The knowledge that if Halsey hadn't hit the villa when he did she would have been trapped there, the second he found out she was pregnant Doyle would have locked her in a gilded cage to keep them 'safe'.

She told him how much she loved her kids but hated Doyle for forcing them on her.

"I feel like he stole something from me..."

The box she kept Ian in cracked open and its contents started to leak out.

She went backwards. The friendships she'd slowly cultivated since the previous December were abandoned, the smiles and laughing with workmates stopped, her mother's calls went unanswered and unreturned. She closed herself up in the house with Declan and Nell, keeping them close... protected.

She ghosted through each day…

She didn't snap at anyone, didn't get angry or frustrated... just seemed to fade away.

At first the team let it slide. There was so much about Emily they didn't know, and they wanted to give her a chance to work through whatever it was but as October turned to November there was no change. Garcia watched her with hurt eyes, wondering what she did wrong. JJ backed off after asking Gideon if he knew what was going on and only got a sad look in response.

The prospect of leaving Declan and Nell unprotected nearly paralyses her and she nearly refuses to go when the team gets a case in Miami to investigate a group that was producing what was originally thought to be low budget fake slasher movies until the bodies started to show up. By the time the BAU was called in there were 11 bodies.

The unsubs show no preference in age, gender or sexual orientation, they tracked the last movements of all the victims to Friday night drinks at a series of 4 bars and clubs on the strip.

There was no pattern and they had no idea how many unsubs they were dealing with, in an unprecedented operation officers from Miami to Palm Beach volunteered to go undercover. It was an easy gig, hang out in a bar and watch for anyone that matched their profile.

Gideon knew he was might be asking too much of Emily... he'd seen the dread in her eyes when the possibility of a large scale undercover operation was raised. They would need everybody in the field that night. As Unit Chief Gideon was coordinating with the local PD and Miami field office, the rest of the team would be split, 6 agents across 4 bars.

Reid couldn't go in alone, he was too inexperienced and socially awkward to blend enough and while impulsive and hot headed Morgan would keep an eye on him.

Emily was a capable and well-seasoned undercover operative, if her head was in the game then she would have been ideal for drawing the unsubs attention, unfortunately she was in the completely wrong headspace and they didn't have time for her to get into the right one, so he'd pair her up with Hotch who with one quiet word from Gideon would stick to Emily like glue. JJ would be fine with one of the local field office Agents as would Lachlan.

Before he gave out the nights assignments he pulled Hotch aside.

"I'm pairing you with Prentiss..."

Hotch looked at him suspiciously, he hadn't missed the change in Emily or the change from a coolly profession agent to a woman who had palpable fear rolling off her in waves since Gideon announced everyone would be going out to the bars tonight. He was pretty sure that Morgan and JJ had picked up on it as well.

Small clues from the last few months were being put together to create an unpleasant picture.

"I'll keep an eye on her" he promised.

Their concern was for absolutely nothing. The team had all dressed for the evening and gone over the final briefing, the plan was for Hotch and Emily to catch a cab from outside their hotel, just before they stepped through the doors Emily stopped walking and held up her hand for Hotch to wait. He thought for a moment that she would pull the pin and run back to the safety of her room. Instead she closed her eyes, ran her fingers through her hair, shook her hands out, took a deep breath and blew it out rather violently and then opened her eyes again.

Emily Prentiss was gone... in her place stood another woman and if Hotch hadn't seen the transition himself he never would have believed it. Gone was the stressed picking at fingernails and chewing of her lower lip, all evidence of her apprehension had been banished.

"Shall we?" Emily held her hand out to him with a coy smile.

That night in the bar Emily played the part of a relaxed outgoing woman out for a drink with a friend. Something shifted... Hotch's steady presence by her side grounded her... reminded her that this team wouldn't leave her behind.

There were hundreds of men who met the profile going through the bars, Gideon was in constant contact with Garcia back in Quantico filtering through the possibilities. Lachlan managed to tag one of their unsubs as he chatted up one of the young officers from Boca PD. Wanting to ensure they got the entire group they set a tail on him and kept searching.

When the team finally made it back to their hotel in the early hours of the morning they quickly changed and went back to the station not giving Emily time to shake off the persona she'd been wearing all night.

By the time they followed the man from the night before to the warehouse where the killing was taking place, completed the raid and the paperwork it was late in the evening. They quickly grabbed their gear from the hotel and made their way to the jet, Emily making her way to the single seat in the back. With a sigh she let herself fall down into the chair and attempted to be Emily again… not that she'd been Emily much over the last few weeks.

Staring out the window lost in the last days of being Lauren Reynolds she didn't notice JJ sitting across from her until after take-off.

"How you doing?" JJ asked softly.

"I'm fine" Emily murmured absently, not even considering a different response.

"We both know that's a lie."

Emily's eyes snapped from the darkness outside to JJ.

"You haven't been fine for weeks, we've all seen it. For a while there Garcia thought she'd done something wrong… but I remembered something I overheard when we first met you in Chicago and I figured you'd snap out of it eventually."

"What did you hear?" Emily knew what some of the agents thought of her.

"That you'd seen things they couldn't comprehend. It was in your eyes…" JJ sighed "I didn't really think about it at the time then on your first case out you didn't even flinch at things that would make other people lose their lunch."

"I guess I just compartmentalise better than most" Emily hedged, she really didn't want to know where JJ was going with this.

"It's more than that and I'm not going to force you to tell me but I want you to know that I'm here and I'm willing to listen anytime you want to talk." JJ reached under the seat and grabbed one of the blankets, leaving the conversation at that.

Emily's gaze turned back to the window, the only thing she could see was her own reflection. She was paler than normal, dark circles encased her eyes that were caused by too many nights sitting up awake Declan on one side Nell on her other... terrified of going to sleep and waking up to find them taken. Taking a risk she spoke quietly before JJ dozed off.

"October's a bad month for me… too many memories. I'll pick up again soon."

On the other side of the plane Gideon smiled to himself. It was a start.

When Emily finally walked through her front door in the early hours of the morning she quickly showered, dressed in her favourite pyjama's and grabbed her Matryoshka doll off the mantle.

For hours she sat there stacking and unstacking them over and over again.

Pulling apart and putting back together, stacking and unstacking, boxing and unboxing…

* * *

Unlike Chicago the first snow of the winter didn't occur until two weeks before Christmas and even then it was only a light flurry here and there.

While Emily had started to reconnect again there was still an aura of melancholy she was carrying around.

She had managed to seal up Ian's box again but it was only a stop gap measure. Gideon forcing her to voice that last moment of Ian's life had shown her just how much she had been refusing to deal with. Given the classified nature of the operation there were very few people she could talk to about the repercussions and just how screwed up she still was. Gideon carried so much that she was reluctant to add to it but he was really her only option.

She also knew unpacking the box too quickly would cause a downward spiral that she couldn't afford.

Except for a few carefully chosen events like Garcia's New Year party Emily purposefully kept Christmas low key.

Finally meeting Haley Hotchner was a bonus, Emily got on way too well with her for Hotch's comfort.

* * *

February was horrendous.

The team was in Boston tracking a serial bomber and the outcome could not have been worse.

6 Agents dead…

Emily and Garcia sat in the tech's lair, gripping each other's hands as they waited for news on the team.

One by one they spoke to their friends… Morgan called in first, then Reid and Hotch together assured them that they were fine, Gideon was yelling at someone in the background. JJ hadn't been at the take down…

Lachlan never called in… he'd been closest to the explosion.

The funeral was awful, there was nothing left to bury.

Gideon disappeared for two weeks up to his cabin, when he returned he was worse.

Bitter… was the best word Emily could come up with.

They went on a case, Gideon simmered until he boiled and he was stood down.

PTSD

Emily traveled with the team while Hotch found a replacement for Lachlan.

Gideon was irreplaceable.

Emily was in Kentucky for Declan's eighth birthday.

Hotch took over as unit chief and announced Hayley was pregnant.

The replacement needed a replacement.

Emily missed Nell's 3rd birthday as well, they'd been in Indiana.

Things at home went downhill, Declan's school work was suffering and Nell who had been out of diapers for months started having accidents again. The nights she was home they both refused to sleep in their own beds and would only settle with her. They were both acting out when she was away and desperately clinging to her when she was home.

Ayesha did her best but she wasn't their Mother.

The second replacement seemed to settle in better giving her a chance to step back in late June but they could all tell he wouldn't last. It would only be a matter of time before he requested a transfer out so Hotch was already looking for another agent to join them.

Gideon had his ups and downs but as the summer progressed the downs faded.

By the time Labour Day rolled around things we're settled enough for Emily to finally take a step she'd been thinking about for months.

She invited the team over for a BBQ.

* * *

Except for the day she'd moved in Gideon was the only person that came over regularly. Part of her was jealous of her time with Declan and Nell and unwilling to share them and the other part had still been terrified of letting anyone into their lives.

Haley, now 7 months pregnant had been peppering her with questions on and off all day with JJ and Garcia listening raptly as this was one of the rare times Emily spoke openly about her life before transferring to the BAU.

"Do you have any horror stories from your two?" Haley turned to Emily

"Not horror stories exactly, Nell's timing left a lot to be desired" Emily really didn't want to get into Declan's history in front of this many people. Gideon knew everything and Reid had made a few very well educated guesses the day they moved in.

"We'd only been living in Chicago a few months, I had found out I was pregnant just as my previous assignment was being wrapped up. With a four year old, a baby on the way, no friends in Chicago I took a 12 month furlough while we got settled. By the time I started planning for her birth the only people I knew were the other parents at Dec's pre-k and I wasn't close enough to any of them to ask if he could stay with them when she was born. A friend had offered to fly out to Chicago for her birth in mid-June."

"Isn't Nell's birthday May 31st?" Garcia interrupted.

"Yep" Emily chuckled "Nell was 3 weeks early and born before Tsia and I had the chance to work out the details. I held off going to the hospital as long as possible panicking over the fact that there was no one to look after Declan, luckily the staff were really understanding about Dec and one of the nurses snuck him into the staff childcare. She was born less than an hour after we got to the hospital." Emily shook her head, remembering the first few months "she was not a content baby, hated being alone... I'm pretty sure she spent the first month strapped to me and I don't know how many nights I spent sleeping in the lazy boy with her in the sling." Glancing around the yard trying to locate her 3 year old, Emily found her wrapped around Gideon's leg "she still hates being alone."

"What about Nell's dad?" Haley immediately regretted asking the question when Emily's gaze darkened.

"He's dead" she stated bluntly "and even if he was alive he wouldn't have been there."

The group dropped into an uncomfortable silence. JJ and Garcia knew never to ask about Nell's father, eventually they wandered away from the tenseness leaving Emily and Haley alone.

"Did you ever lose it?" Haley asked quietly, trying to move past her earlier comment "I mean, hit that point where you didn't think you could do it anymore."

"Yeah" Emily pushed her sunglasses to the top of her head so she could look the older woman directly in the eye "A couple of times... the worst was when Nell was about 6 weeks old. I hadn't slept in a bed in four days cause every time I tried to put her down she screamed, Declan was starting to act out. He was exhausted from Nell waking us at all hours and bored and was just being a 5 year old whose entire life had been upended so I couldn't blame him. It was about 2 on a Sunday afternoon, I needed to shower, do laundry, get dinner on, and spend time with Dec and feed Nell and I just couldn't do it all. I fed Nell, put her down and then went to do everything else but she just screamed and screamed and screamed which set Declan off yelling and crying. I remember standing there half way between the two of them completely at a loss of which way to go... if I went to Declan I was abandoning Nell and vice versa."

"What did you do?"

"I walked out..." she could still remember the way everything crashed over her in that moment, feeling utterly helpless to care for either of her children "my neighbour heard the kids crying for longer than normal and came to check on us. Found me sitting on the floor outside my apartment door sobbing. Next thing I knew Declan was in the park across the road with her son, her husband was watching baseball with Nell in one hand and a beer in the other, I was in the shower and Annette was doing my laundry. She poured me into bed, fed Declan and stayed the night to look after Nell while I slept. I vaguely remember waking to feed Nell... that became my Sunday afternoons for the next 6 months. They'd watch the kids while I caught up on laundry, cooked up a storm for the rest of the week and napped."

"Which is why you gave me 5 loads of laundry, 5 cooked meals and 5 nights of baby duty as a gift?"

"Yep... You won't need constant help but you won't be able to do it all and there will be moments where it just gets too much especially when Hotch is out of town. The first couple of nights will be fine and then you'll realise you haven't showered, have no clean underwear and you just need a nap without worrying about who's going to get up if the baby starts crying. That's when you'll call me and cash in one of those gift certificates."

"Uhhh Emily?" Gideon's panicked voice cut across the yard.

Looking over she saw an equally panicked look on his face as he stared down at Nell who had recently discovered the joy of being pantsless and was currently running around naked from the waist down.

"Oh man" she huffed "you have so much to look forward to" she threw over her shoulder at a giggling Haley.

Snatching Nell and her pants up Emily made quick work of redressing the toddler. Smiling sheepishly up at her team mates she shrugged helplessly

"Lesson one… stranger danger… lesson two… keeping your clothes on in public…"

10 minutes later Reid's voice carried over to her "Emily... I don't think dirt is an appropriate dietary supplement for a three year old"

"It hasn't killed her yet" she called back closing her eyes in exasperation.

That week Declan started 3rd grade and Nell went to pre-school two days a week.

When Elle Greenaway moved to DC to join the BAU she didn't know what to think of Emily Prentiss.

The feeling was entirely mutual.

There was something about Elle's aggressive nature that set her teeth on edge. Maybe she just needed time to settle in and find her rhythm with the team.

Emily stepped back to allow the other woman time and space to find it. Taking on more custodial interviews and consults which meant a lot of day trips but she was home more often than not.

Gideon settled back into the pattern of traveling then dinner with Emily and the kids.

Emily was just grateful to have her friend back.

* * *

On the 4th anniversary of Ian Doyles death Jack Hotchner was born.

The entire day they'd been at the zoo her phone had been buzzing with text messages from the team keeping her updated on the arrival of their newest member.

She ignored all of them.

Tomorrow would be easier... tomorrow she would call Hotch and congratulate him... she would pop by the hospital after work and visit Hayley and the baby.

But on this day everything was too hard... everywhere she looked was blue eyes widened with betrayal. Blood and brain matter splattering over walls. Her children fatherless... stepping over Louise's body with barely a glance... Declan's trembling body pressed against hers as the gunfire continued... the nausea she'd been battling for days... arms and back aching from carrying Declan through those dark mildew ridden tunnels.

She could still smell the blood that soaked the villa and taste the adrenaline coursing through her body.

The bitterness at being left out in the cold... she finally admitted to herself it was the real reason Tsia hadn't been invited back to visit.

The burning fear that they had missed something in the investigation on Jeremy, was her real name out there... just waiting for the right person to get it... find her... find Declan and Nell?

Valhalla's heirs.

END CHAPTER


	5. 2005

CHAPTER 5

October 2005

"She still not answering" Morgan looked over the conference room table at JJ, Emily had taken a personal day and wasn't responding to anyone's messages about baby Hotchner.

"She took a personal day on the 7th last year as well." Spencer commented

"That's right... and then she went all weird on us... baby girl was really upset with the way she shut us all out." Morgan mused.

"She told me October was a bad month for her... but she didn't tell me why. I think Gideon knows." JJ closed the consult in front of her and tossed it in Emily's pile.

"Emily has secrets" Morgan looked at the other three in the room "and she doesn't trust anyone in this room with them."

"I know I'm new girl here but how can you go out in the field with someone who doesn't trust you?" Elle looked around curiously.

JJ considered how much she should say to their newest profiler, while there was no outright animosity both brunettes seemed to have taken an approach with caution attitude with each other.

"Compared to when we first met her... she trusts us in the field. Gideon the most with Hotch coming a distant second. I have my theories but..."

"Nothing to back them up" Morgan finished "Same."

Elle's eyes darted between the two of them curiously, wondering just what they had seen and what theories they had but wasn't comfortable enough with the dynamic to ask.

The next day Emily arrived at work as though nothing had happened, she didn't miss the questioning looks or the way the team tiptoed around her clearly remembering her behaviour from the previous year and connecting the dates.

She went to the hospital and met Jack and tried to shake off the anniversary.

JJ waited a week before cornering her when Emily dropped a load of completed consults on the liaison's desk as she turned to walk out again JJ spoke quietly.

"How're the memories this year?"

Emily paused and looked back over her shoulder at the blonde with a small smile.

"Not as bad... it gets better every year."

"If you ever want to talk about it… I'm a good listener."

"I know" Emily narrowed her eyes slightly as she tried to work up the courage to confide in the woman who had become one of the best friends she'd ever had "Declan and Nell's father died just before I found out I was pregnant with her... 7th October..." JJ's eyes widened at the sudden admission "and every year on that day I need to reconcile the fact that I'm relieved my children are fatherless."

Emily turned and walked away so she wouldn't see the judgement on JJ's face.

As JJ sat watching her closed door another comment of Emily's flashed through her mind _'With a four year old, a baby on the way, no friends in Chicago I decided to take a 12 month furlough while we got settled'_. Another piece of the puzzle and another question... Emily's furlough had been approved at the same time as a transfer... that never happened.

When Emily arrived back at her desk a text message was waiting for her.

 **I don't know what happened, but I'll still listen anytime you want to talk. JJ**

The relief Emily felt when her admission didn't change anything at the BAU almost brought her to her knees.

* * *

With Halloween just around the corner she turned her focus to costumes and decorating the house. Declan insisted on dressing up as King Julien from Madagascar but his requests for Nell to go as Maurice had been rebuffed by both his mother and sister. When asked Nell stubbornly refused to pick out a costume and every time Emily showed the three year old pictures of possible costumes the toddler would imperiously announce "No! Nell!" which Emily took to mean she only wanted to dress up as herself.

Just in case Nell changed her mind once she saw all the other kids dressed up Emily had hidden a Tinkerbell costume in her closet.

That year the MCB, FBI Academy, DEA Academy, NCIS, ACIC and AFSI had decided to throw a joint Halloween party for the families of the various staff on the MCB Parade ground.

Much to Reids disappointment the team had been called to Des Plaines to investigate an LDSK that morning which left Emily attending the party on her own. Seeing the crowd she almost turned around and took the kids home simply because despite her best efforts Nell refused to accept that not everyone was friendly.

Maybe she should have dressed the three year old as a puppy... at least then she wouldn't feel so bad about leashing the toddler.

True to form Declan stuck to her side and Nell made every effort to get away and meet whoever caught her eye at that particular moment.

Within 2 hours Nell had crashed from the sugar high and was asleep in her arms and while Declan was still running around with the other kids she could see he was starting to fade. Emily had found herself comfortable spot where she could keep an eye on the eight year old when she felt someone watching her. Letting her eyes scan the field slowly she was pleasantly surprised to see Matt Cruz. He had been watching her with Nell and Declan for several minutes. The brash young agent he had sent to the Farm 9 years earlier was nowhere to be seen.

He could still remember sitting in the back of a class on infiltration watching the new recruits when she caught his eye. There was something in the set of her shoulders and the wild look in her eye that intrigued him. A quiet word with the lecturer had given him a name.

Emily Prentiss, graduated from Yale Magna Cum Laude majoring in criminology minored in abnormal psychology. Completed her masters in Criminal Justice at Georgetown the year before. Fluent in Spanish, French, Italian, Greek and Arabic, passable in Russian and Farsi.

Her lecturers were impressed with her intellect and problem solving abilities but worried about her willingness to sacrifice herself in every scenario. Her lateral thinking made her unpredictable... a wild card... but she seldom lost the challenges they laid out for her.

In other words perfect for JTF-12.

She was younger and less experienced than Interpol wanted but they'd had time and Matt knew they would be able to mould her into the agent they needed.

He'd known at the time after a turn through the Farm and she would be unstoppable.

He was right, 8 weeks into her time there he'd received a report outlining her progress. The final pages covering just how far they'd gone to ensure either she wouldn't break or they could wash her out and find someone else for JTF-12. Emily had been given a day off and on her way back to The Farm the trainers had blown out one of the tyres on her car and grabbed her while she was changing it.

She'd had no idea who had her or why and for 90 hours the only 4 intelligible words she had uttered were "I can take it"

Emily Prentiss had exited the training scenario sleep deprived, with 2 broken fingers, a cracked cheek bone, a grade 2 concussion, missing a tooth, bruised and cracked ribs, and a fractured ankle without having given up a thing.

She smiled softly at him over Nell's dark head and for the first time since he put her on the plane to London he didn't feel like he had failed her. In the four years since leaving JTF-12 he'd watched from a distance, Malakai Shreeves had kept him updated while she had been in Chicago and the reports had been concerning. From the scuttlebutt he'd picked up around the academy Emily had settled into the BAU and was slowly losing the hard, distrustful edge that had defined her for so long.

Some of her fingernails had even started growing.

Matt wandered slowly across the field to give her time to get up and move if she didn't want to speak to him but the smile didn't abate as he got closer.

"You've ahh… got a bit of…" he waggled his finger at Emily's shirt where Nell drooled on it.

"Eh" she shrugged "nothing I haven't been covered in before."

He sat down next to her and studied Nell, who he'd never seen in person "God, she looks like you… the photo's don't do her justice." His eyes drifted up and locked onto Declan "And he's grown up so much, I can't believe he's the same little boy I kept catching napping on you." He'd barely left their side in the two day's they'd spent in the embassy in Rome.

"Well, he is 8 and if you hang around the house long enough he still naps on me occasionally" Emily chuckled.

They settled back into their chairs and watched Declan continue to play with the other kids.

"How've you been Em?" Matt murmured quietly.

"I've been good" she shifted Nell slightly "Some days are worse than others but overall we're doing well here."

Declan ran up to them again with his prize from one of the games, skidding to a stop he frowned at Matt recognition and confusion warring across his features.

"Do you remember Agent Cruz?" Emily pulled Declan close as he grinned and nodded knowing her recognised the man but unsure precisely when he knew Matt from.

"Nice to see you again Declan"

Declan grinned and waved, left his prize with Emily and ran back to the games. Emily and Matt continued to chat about inconsequential events from the last four years.

Erin Strauss watched carefully from across the field, she'd known all along it would only be a matter of time before Agent Prentiss ended up at the BAU. All she needed to do now was wait until the right moment.

* * *

As Thanksgiving approached Elizabeth Prentiss started sending subtly worded emails to Emily suggesting she bring the children for Christmas in Vienna, her three month posting in Austria had now stretched to 18. Uncomfortable with taking the children that close to Italy Emily firmly stated they would be staying in DC and her parents were welcome to join them if they wished.

The emails became less subtle and more demanding as the days passed and finally resulted in a fight overheard by the rest of the BAU as they returned from a case in North Dakota. They all pretended to look busy while listening to Emily's side of the conversation, it wasn't often the brunette got this worked up.

"Mother if you think I'm dragging a 3 year old and an 8 year old on a 10 plus hour flight to Austria you're nuts. 3 hours to and from Chicago was bad enough"

"I'm well aware you took me on longer flights..."

"Yes well you had a cadre of staff to fob me off onto..."

"I'm giving Ayesha the week off... she already has plans"

"Mother..."

"Mother..."

"Moth..."

Emily finally noticed how studiously the others were not watching her and switched over to French knowing none of the team understood more than a handful of words.

"Je vous ai dit que je ne mène pas mes enfants en Autriche" _(I told you I'm not bringing my children to Austria)_

"Ce n'est pas prudent" _(It's not safe)_

"Je ne suis pas ridicule" _(I'm not being ridiculous)_

"Mettez le père au téléphone ..." _(Put father on the phone...)_

"Bien soyez ainsi ... nous ne viendrons pas ... fin de discussion ... faites-le face!" _(Fine be that way... we're not coming... end of discussion... deal with it!)_

Emily snapped her phone shut and then turned it off for good measure. Huffing out a frustrated breath she slumped back in her seat.

Across from her Elle smirked "Do you always yell at your Mother in French?"

"Depends on where she is and who might overhear." Emily rolled her eyes "I pick the language that would piss off the locals and therefore my mother the most. The Greeks go nuts when I yell at her in Arabic or Italian."

Hotch winced, he flashed back on 21 year old Emily doing exactly that. The fight between the Prentiss woman that followed Ambassador Prentiss' call to Greece had most of the staff ducking for cover as the Prentiss women stormed through the house yelling at each other in various languages.

He never did find out what that particular argument was about.

Gideon caught Hotch's wince... he would need to find out what that was about later... and could tell from a few of the French words he'd picked told him the travel wasn't the issue but the location.

"How many languages do you speak?" JJ piped up from her seat next to Elle.

"Uhh... I'm fluent in Spanish, French, Italian, Greek and Arabic and I can get by in Russian, Farsi and Irish"

"What about Declan and Nell?" Reid looked intrigued "Have you been teaching them any languages?"

"Declan can hold a decent conversation in Italian and French, he's also got a handful of Irish words down but not enough to be conversant. Nell has pretty good French and a little bit of Italian." Emily blushed, she hadn't set out the make the kids multi-lingual.

"Forma de escuela o español real?" _(school form or real spanish?)_ Elle questioned curiously

"El Embajador se sentiría mortificado si su hija no pudiera pasar como nativa." _(The Ambassador would be mortified if her daughter couldn't pass as a native.)_ Emily's response elicited a delighted laugh from the other woman resulting in the two of them conversing in nothing but Spanish for the rest of the trip.

Behind them Morgan suddenly realised just how much trouble the two of them could be now that they appeared to be getting along.

When they arrived back at Quantico just after 6 that evening Emily skipped over the email her mother sent after their fight over the phone grabbed a handful of urgent files she could work on at home and ran out the door before anything urgent came up. She should be home in time to have desert with her kids.

* * *

The first week of December Hotch approached her with an invitation to Christmas lunch at his place. He and Haley were hosting her extended family on the day and three extra bodies wouldn't be an issue in the overall madness they were anticipating.

Every Christmas Nell and Declan had experienced had been either alone with her or the ultra-formal day her mother insisted on. From Hotch's description the Brooks family Christmas would be a new experience for all 3 of them. Accepting the invitation Emily pulled up the mental list of Haley's nieces and nephews and the small gifts she could purchase for Declan and Nell to give out.

Jack's present was already wrapped and under their tree.

10:30 Christmas morning Emily pulled up at Hotch's house, looking up the icy walk she sent Declan on his own and lifted Nell into her arms, not trusting the 3 year olds balance. By the time she made it up the walk Declan had knocked on the door and was staring cautiously up at Haley's sister Jess. Nudging the boy forward into the house, breaking his study of Haley's sister. Emily smiled at Jess as Declan ran into the house calling for Hotch.

"Emily" she held her free hand out to the other woman.

"Jess… nice to meet you"

"You too…" Emily slid Nell down and into the house "This is Nell, and that was Declan. Go find Haley peu d'amour I'll be in soon." _(little love)_

With Jess' help she only needed one trip to the car, presents were placed under the tree and the two trays of Ricciarelli* handed over to Haley in the kitchen.

Seeing the name tags on the presents Jess whispered a quiet thank you to Emily, she knew her sister also had gifts for Nell and Declan to open tucked in there as well.

When Haley had told her they'd invited one of Aaron's colleagues to join the family celebration she had been a little skeptical at first but the look Hayley had given her convinced Jess there was more to the story than just a workmate with nowhere else to go. A hissed warning to not ask about the children's father is all Jess gets out of her sister.

By 11 everyone had arrived, introductions had been made and the kids could not be held back from presents any longer.

Emily falls back into her old habit of blending into the background, watching everything going on without fully being a part of it. Her bright, curious social butterfly of a daughter is reveling in the attention and chaos. While she can see he is enjoying himself as much as his sister Declan is more introverted and sticks to the edges of the group without appearing aloof.

Emily can feel tears pricking at the back of her eyes watching Nell and Declan have the kind of Christmas she could never give them by herself.

Lunch was served and by the time desert was finished Emily was feeling uncomfortably full. She wandered out into living area where the kids were playing with their new toys and the adults were slumped on the couch.

"Étreinte?" _(Hug?)_ Nell held her arms up to Haley's father, big blue eyes pleading, bottom lip poking out. Long past her nap time, the three year old didn't care whose lap she ended up on, Daniel Brooks was simply the closest person to her.

"She wants a hug..." Emily translated and her daughter was immediately lifted into strong arms, Nell laid her head down on Daniels chest with a deep sigh and closed her eyes in contentment.

"Is that French?" Jess was getting more and more curious. Emily had been polite and would chat with anyone who approached her but never initiated contact herself… she had been content to just stand there and watch all the goings on with a small smile.

"Yeah..." Emily smiled as Nell dropped off to sleep "she's pretty good but doesn't always remember which the English word is and which is French. Throw in the handful of Italian she knows and talking to her can get pretty confusing."

"How are you teaching them?" Hayley had known for a while Emily was multi lingual and was teaching the children, many a conversation with Nell had required Declan or Emily to translate.

"Same way I learned" Emily smiled "immersion, I'll speak to them only in French for a couple of weeks, switch back to English then over to Italian."

Sitting on the floor next to Hayley, Hotch snorted.

"What?" Emily asked him.

"Just imagining Nell at 16 yelling at you in multiple languages… if she's anything like you then I hope someone either video's it for your Mother or she's there the witness it."

"Oh God, that's gonna suck…" Emily rubbed her hands down her face.

"What are we missing?" Jess quietly asked Hayley.

"Aaron's first assignment with the Bureau was doing Security checks for the State Department. He met Emily and her mother in what '92?"

"I was at Yale so sounds about right" Emily agreed.

"Aaron came home one day looking like he'd been put through the ringer. Apparently the Ambassador's daughter was visiting and picked a fight with the Ambassador, he ended up stuck in a bathroom with two of the other staff while they yelled at each other."

Everyone laughed as Emily blushed bright red, remembering that particular fight.

"What was that about anyway? The only word I picked up was a particularly vulgar word in French" Hotch turned to look up at her.

"The same thing as all of our fights while I was at college. Mother wanted me to major in International Relations, I wanted criminology…" Hotch could see Emily was uncomfortable with the turn the conversation had taken so he attempted to subtly turn the conversation around.

"Why the Bureau?" he asked.

"Actually you can blame Hillary Clinton…" Emily paused reading the reaction of the room and seeing only curiosity.

"Mother wanted me to take International Relations so I could meet an up and coming Diplomat and live up to everyone's expectations of being a bored socialite. She was at the World Conference on Women in Beijing and I was finishing up my Masters when I saw Hillary Clinton's speech and there was one section that finally solidified why I was pushing so hard to get into criminal justice."

"I remember that speech, which part?" Jess asked.

"I want to speak for those women in my own country, women who are raising children on the minimum wage, women who can't afford health care or child care, women whose lives are threatened by violence, including violence in their own homes." Emily quoted "I sent in my application to the Bureau the next day."

By the end of the day Jess and Emily had exchanged phone numbers with Hayley smirking triumphantly in the background. While Emily had never said it outright Hayley had seen the signs all over the other woman's house and life. No partner, her parents were away more often than they were home, no siblings and the only friend outside the BAU Emily ever mentioned was the mysterious Tsia who lived in London and never came to visit. When Aaron had made an offhand comment about Emily and the children spending Christmas day alone Hayley had quietly broached the subject first with her Mother and then with Aaron.

Aaron hadn't needed any convincing, he'd agreed straight away, Haley knew he had a soft spot for Emily and her kids. Her mother on the other hand… hadn't been truly convinced it was a good idea until she'd met Emily and the kids.

Anna Brooks had seen Emily's tears during the present opening and finally understood why Hayley had been so insistent on including the Prentiss'.

"How badly was she hurt?" Anna asked, she and Hayley were watching through the kitchen window as Aaron, Daniel, Emily and the children played in the snow.

"I honestly don't know" Hayley murmured while stirring the milk for cocoa. "I know the kids Father died before Nell was born and she doesn't talk about him… ever… won't even say his name. It's almost like when he died she erased him from their lives."

Anna hummed noncommittally and then laughed as Emily tackled Aaron into the snow and sat on him while the kids shoved snow down his jacket.

It was a good day.

New Year was again celebrated at Garcia's… Emily wondered if attending the same event two years in a row counted as a tradition.

* * *

The trip down to Alachua to interview Sarah Jean and Jacob Dawes stretched Emily more than any case she had done with the BAU and ended with the team unsure if this was a win or a loss.

 _'I want you to know that the best part of me the most important part of me is now in a better place than you and I will ever be.'_

"Gideon… just let her go…" Emily had seen the same thing Gideon did in the paintings.

"I can't let a woman die for a crime she didn't commit."

Emily was no stranger to Gideon's bullheadedness, he wouldn't stop until he got what he thought he wanted but she could see what Sarah Jean feared the most, the unacceptable trauma Riley would suffer if he was ever found and identified.

She reached out and grabbed his forearm and dragged him to a secluded corner of the security office in an effort to stop Garcia and Reid from overhearing.

"How far would you go to make sure Stephen never had to know this? Never had to see the body of a child destroyed, walk a victim of rape through a cognitive interview, and take the last confession of a serial killer?" she paused for a moment hoping her words would have some affect.

"If it was me sitting in that cell would I speak up and prove my innocence or ride the lightning to stop anyone else from finding out the truth?" she gripped him tighter as resignation dawned in his eyes.

"You'd ride the lightning… and so would I."

Garcia's head jerked as despite Emily's best effort her words still floated to the tech. The blond knew Emily was crazy protective of her kids but there was nothing theoretical about her words, it was in her tone. What truth could be so devastating that Emily would rather death by electrocution than it getting out?

Shaking off the thought Garcia filed it away for later study as Emily followed Gideon as he took one last crack at Sarah Jean.

By the end Riley was safe and hidden just as Sarah Jean wanted. He would never have to pay for the sins of his father.

That night after they arrived home and the kids were fast asleep Emily slipped them out of their own beds and into hers, Declan was almost too big for her to carry.

She didn't sleep… she watched and wondered if she'd made the right decision. Was Declan really better off with her, she could have hidden him away with a foster family, no connection whatsoever to her, the FBI or Interpol. No one would ever be able to track him back to Ian Doyle, staying with her there was always that chance. Where would that leave Nell… forever a possibility… another might have been or given away to some nice suburban couple longing for a child of their own? She'd considered both options on that long drive to Rome, but she'd already thrown away one child in that city and by the time they'd made it to DC she was attached the to the possibility, if she was brutally honest with herself she'd been attached from the moment she'd realised just how far Ian had gone to get what he wanted from her.

Maybe if Ian wasn't dead she would have had to make those choices.

Maybe if Clyde and Jeremy had acted on her initial extraction signal Nell would never have been conceived and Louise may have lived to raise Declan herself… Lauren Reynolds would still be dead and Emily Prentiss would still be in the FBI, maybe in the BAU maybe not yet.

That possibility hurt, she didn't like thinking about it. As hard as the last 4 years had been she wouldn't trade her children for anything.

When Declan turned 9 Emily opened her house for his birthday party for the first time. In previous years she'd always had it at a local park or kids centre.

15 little boys and girls running around in her backyard, parents milling around, the BAU running around with her making the day as perfect as they could.

Garcia and Morgan were wrangling the kids with party games, Hotch and Gideon had camped out at the BBQ, Haley and JJ were helping her in the kitchen.

Somehow Elle and Reid ended up entertaining Nell and Jack which in turn kept the rest of the BAU endlessly amused… both profilers being adamant that they should not be in charge of small children.

At the end of the day Gideon stood next to Emily and they watched Declan play with his schools friends, wrapping an arm around her shoulder he pulled her into a side hug. Turning his head Gideon whispered in her ear.

"You did the right thing… saved him from a lifetime of violence and hatred…"

She could only nod… she knows getting Declan out was right but keeping him… she's still not so sure

* * *

By Nell's 4th birthday Emily was traveling with the team nearly full time again, the Fisher King had left long lasting wounds on the entire team… Elle Greenaway's may never heal. Depending on the case and the location Hotch would take her if it looked like they would need the extra agent in the field.

He promised her it was only until Elle was fit for field duty.

Declan and Nell coped better with the increased travel this time. Maybe it was because of the last time, maybe because they were just that little bit older, maybe it was getting Skype on her home computer and work laptop allowing the three of them the talk face to face nightly when she was away that made the transition easier. Either way Emily was grateful that none of the problems from the year before came back.

The 5th anniversary of Ian Doyle's death passed and Emily nearly didn't notice. The team was in Jacksonville and she was in West Virginia at USP Hazelton doing a series of inmate interviews with the female population.

By the time the significance of the date occurred to her it was late and she was too exhausted to do anything but crawl into bed.

The nightmares didn't come that night… but her dreams were unsettling. She could see Declan and Nell off in the distance playing in the sun, waiting for her… always waiting but no matter how hard she tried she couldn't get to them. She was trapped in the shadows, her children just out of reach…

END CHAPTER

 ***Ricciarelli** are traditional Italian biscuit - specifically, a type of macaroon - originating in 14th century Siena. Legend holds that they were introduced by _Ricciardetto della Gherardesca_ in his castle near Volterra upon his return from the Crusades.


	6. 2006

CHAPTER 6

October 2006

Elle Greenaway was not dealing with her shooting at all. Emily could see it coming… she warned Derek and Hotch that Elle was burning down a very short fuse but they didn't want to see it. Gideon had his hands full with trying to get Spencer through… the guilt was rolling of the young man in waves, she could almost taste it.

They ignored her warning and all Emily could do was watch as her friend self-destructed. The team didn't talk about it but they all knew Elle hadn't fired the shot in self-defense.

She watched silently as Hotch struggled to find Elle's replacement. Traveling with them when necessary until finally coming to a decision when the team was stuck trying to chase down two competing serial killers at once without a full complement of Agents.

She'd hoped for another year or so wanting Nell to start school before moving to a team full time but it wasn't to be.

When JJ stuck her head in his office to tell Hotch they had a case Emily had been in there discussing the schedule for inmate interviews she had set up for the next month. She watched the team in the conference room going over the case and without warning she was taken over by the knowledge that she should be in there with them, going over the case, getting on the plane, chasing down the leads. She wasn't sure when it had happened but she knew without a doubt that she belonged with this team. She trusted each and every one of them to make sure she got home… more importantly she trusted them to keep Declan and Nell safe.

That night at home she'd sat the kids down and in a roundabout way asked how they felt about her traveling with the team like she had earlier in the year.

Mature beyond his years Declan understood straight away, smiled at his mother and promised to look after Nell while she went to chase the bad guys. Nearly 10 years old and getting more and more protective of his sister. Nell seemed to be growing out of much of her clinginess, still a snuggler but not as demanding as she had been crawled into Emily's lap and wrapped her hands around her mother's neck with the biggest sigh she could muster.

Drama Queen…

From over the top of Nell's head Emily can see Declan rolling his eyes at his sister's antics.

"I'll miss you Mommy…" a sloppy kiss was planted on Emily's left cheek "Dec doesn't snuggle as good as you…" a second sloppier kiss hit her right cheek "and Yeesha's song isn't right…" Emily leaned forward and the third kiss landed on her lips.

"But?" She asked Nell.

"You can go make sure all the other Dec's and Nell's and Yeesha's are safe." She shifted Nell slightly to the side and opened her arm up for Declan to join them.

"Thank you"

The next three days were normal for the three of them. She worked on consults in the office, took Declan to soccer practice, danced along to The Wiggles with Nell and tried to work out how she would explain the sudden change of heart to Hotch.

On the fourth day word came down that the team was returning, knowing Hotch would head straight to his office Emily camped out on his couch with her consults and worked while she waited.

She was just finishing up with the I-80 killer targeting co-eds in Indiana when he walked in the door.

"Please tell me you haven't been there for the last four days?" she catches the glint of humour in his eyes.

"Nah, I heard you were flying back tonight and wanted to talk."

He can see she's nervous about something, she's too still, too collected. When she doesn't speak straight away Hotch jumps to the only conclusion he can make.

"I know we haven't exactly been holding up on our end of the deal when it comes to the amount of travel you've been doing but…"

"Hotch it's fine." Emily interrupts gently "In fact I wanted to let you know you can stop looking for a new team member. We're ready…"

"Ready?" he was a little confused

"Yeah, if you want me I'd like to join the team full time." She grinned, relaxed and content with the decision she had made.

Hotch's eyes widened almost comically, it wasn't often that someone surprised him and Emily Prentiss seemed to be particularly good at it. There were also very few people he was willing to drop the icy facade for… the same number of people he trusted and would take a bullet for.

He must have waited a beat too long to respond because Emily is no longer smiling quite so widely the longer he stands there in silence the more unsure she's looking. As she opens her mouth to recant her decision Hotch finally speaks.

"Seriously? That is fantastic!" Her smile returns at his enthusiasm.

"Declan and Nell?" He wanted to be sure they would be ok, having Jack at home gave him a snapshot into why it was so hard for her to be gone for days at a time. He at least had the comfort of knowing his son was safe and loved with his mother.

"Are ok with it." She assured him "They did really well earlier in the year and things are at the point where I'm either in or out, we can't keep bouncing between the two extremes. Being on the team full time brings its own routine and they'll adjust quickly."

She mildly regretted her decision when the jet did the Gitmo twist two weeks later.

When Hotch accused her of having a political agenda.

When Reid's rocket smacked her in the head.

When she had to Interview Derek's Mother and Sisters.

Then she met Jane… poor crazy Jane.

Emily reached out and ran a gloved finger over one of the rib bones hanging on the porch and shuddered at the haunting sound that echoed with every gust of wind.

In her years living as Lauren Reynolds she had seen and done some barbaric things. Her loyalty to Baptiste had been proven by executing a man trying to encroach on the Frenchman's turf… if the bullet hadn't come from her gun then someone else would have done it. Emily didn't think she could ever forgive Lauren for agreeing to that. Still even now Emily could probably go to Baptiste for help and he would give it.

Ian had been brutal in the face of betrayal, there were no quick bullets to the head. Lauren had seen it first hand, watched as he exacted his revenge on a man who had turned informant, when he offered to let her join him she had declined with a raised eyebrow.

' _Do you know how hard it is to get blood out of silk?'_

She hadn't left the basement room… she had watched Ian work out his fury until the bitter end… the man's screams hadn't haunted Lauren, she hadn't cared that he'd been slowly eviscerated over hours. Lauren had watched Ian with a lustful smirk and when he was finished she led him upstairs and fucked him until neither of them could move.

When Emily met up with Clyde two nights later she spent more time vomiting than debriefing. He'd sat on the floor of the hotel bathroom, held her hair out of her face, and let her exhausted body collapse into his, craving comfort and protection as she told him what she had seen and done. It wasn't the first hotel bathroom floor they'd sat on together and it wouldn't be the last.

In many ways Ian and Frank were the same. There was no built in switch to stop them from crossing the line, no way to control the 'want, take, have' impulse. That made them predictable to a point.

Frank had been coming back to Jane for years… Frank would always come back to Jane.

If they had Jane they could catch Frank.

Unfortunately Frank had taken that into account, she could see Gideon sliding back into the bitterness from after the bombing.

Jane didn't deserve what Frank had done to her… what he had made her into. Gideon didn't deserve the choice Frank forced him to make.

Yet he still made that nearly impossible decision.

Jane for a busload of children…

Sweet crazy Jane.

How long would Emily have survived before going down the same road?

* * *

The team was pushed to their limits when Reid was taken by Tobias Hankel.

Emily quickly reorganised her boxes, putting everything not related to the case away. It was the only way she could cope with seeing the carnage that was being wreaked on her team.

Hotch was locking down, Gideon and Morgan flying apart, JJ was crumbling and Garcia was simply lost… like Hotch she locked down.

She would never forget the guilt and accusation warring across JJ's face as she once again questioned how she dealt with this world they lived in. She understood it, JJ needed to lash out at something and she just happened to be there when it boiled over.

"How come none of this gets to you?" The bathroom they were standing outside of was filthy, mould ridden and Emily was sure the smell would be with her for quite a while.

"What do you mean?"

"You came off a desk job and you we're thrown into a field surrounded by mutilated bodies and in two years you haven't flinched."

Without warning Hotch was there, attempting to stare her down.

"She's right… in two years I've haven't seen you blink."

She trusted this team with her life, with her children's lives… but orders were orders and classified was classified and she couldn't tell them she'd spent years immersed in the horrific world of international arms dealing. The difference… this was clean, she knew who the good guys we're and who the bad guys were.

She didn't have to screw someone to make a case.

"I compartmentalise better than most." Is the only explanation she can ever give to them and she knows it's not enough. She can see it in the set of Hotch's shoulders and the way his eyes flash coldly. She holds his glare… daring him to question her explanation but there isn't time before Garcia comes running in.

She knows Hotch won't forget, he's always been curious about where she came by her skills and knowledge. Gideon has protected her so far, getting her to redo the Profiler exams before she left Chicago and going through her file with a fine tooth comb making sure any gaps and inconsistencies were closed off before someone else had a chance to find them.

Long term it won't be enough to put Hotch off, he'll back off and stop asking direct questions. He's been watching her from a distance, noting every hesitation when she answers a question, cataloguing the nuances of her profiling, pondering every piece of knowledge that she shouldn't have.

Emily knows that one day he'll get close enough to the truth to really confront her.

She hopes it isn't anytime soon.

She can't worry about it right now in Tobias Hankel's bathroom because they need to find Reid.

Spencer survives and once again she watches a friend burning down a very short fuse.

She reads his statement and vows never again… the CIA and Interpol made sure she could take any type of physical punishment without breaking. If it's within her power she'll never let any of her team suffer through that again.

It breaks her heart when Emily has to ban Spencer from her house. He turned up at her front door high as a kite and she won't expose her kids to that. She knows she's made the right decision when he starts to lash out at her and as upset as Nell and Declan are when Reid stops coming to Thursday night dinner they'd be more upset seeing him in this condition.

Unlike the rest of the team who tiptoes around him while they're in Houston she call's him out for his behaviour.

The only thing it achieves is to piss him off more. Emily steps back just enough to formulate another plan of attack.

She tries again and again… he starts avoiding her, it becomes obvious when they're in New Orleans. Months later he will admit it was because she was the only one holding him accountable for his own behaviour and pushing him to find his new normal.

By the time the team lands in San Francisco just after Declan's 11th birthday he's nearly out of the hole Tobias Hankel threw him down. The Thursday after they arrive home he turns up on her front door sober and with new books for the kids.

* * *

Emily's parents are back in DC for who knows how long. As normal, there are arguments over her career choices, her home, the school Declan (and Nell later in the year) go to. She's getting better at letting it go, to a point… this is her mothers way of showing she cares.

Elizabeth wants the best of everything for her daughter and grandchildren. The best house in the best neighbourhood, the best education, the best care and the best opportunities for Emily's career.

It's taken her 37 years to learn to accept this particular quirk of her mothers personality, for so long it felt like her mother was saying she wasn't good enough, wasn't worthy of being the daughter of an ambassador. Emily didn't want her children to have the same struggle, doesn't want them to ever think they're not good enough Grandmama.

It's hard to verbalise this to her parents and before Emily has a chance to really get her Mother to understand the team is sent to Idaho.

"We hunt these people every day… the question is how different are we? Us and them?" Emily turned her head away from Morgan to stare out the jet window.

She hadn't meant to voice the question out loud. She knew just how easily she could have ended up like those brothers, there had been day's it had been tempting to just let go of Emily Prentiss.

Sink into everything Lauren Reynolds was offering. The money, the lavish lifestyle, the freedom from conscience and morals… the promise of someone always putting her first.

Everything Ian offered her…

She wasn't in love with Ian Doyle, she never had been, but the idea of what he offered… It was a nice fantasy.

Time was taking the edge off the bad memories.

It was a dangerous thing to forget just how psychopathic Ian Doyle was.

This was not something she could let herself become complacent over.

* * *

Emily is furious when Strauss call's her in… wanting her to spy on Hotch and report back any and every misstep and indiscretion. She almost refuses straight away… her career isn't worth what little dignity she has left. Strauss planned for a refusal and with one heart stopping sentence the woman ensures Emily's cooperation.

"JTF-12 comes up for classification review next year doesn't it?"

Emily knows at that moment if she refuses outright Strauss will recommend downgrading JTF-12 from eyes only… as her current Section Chief her recommendation will be given serious consideration.

She is being made to choose… Hotchs job or her children's safety and she will choose her children's safety every single time.

Strauss has her over a barrel…

Decision made, Emily just needs time now. She won't betray Hotch and she won't let Strauss use her children for a political agenda.

She agrees to Strauss' request… goes home and starts planning. Emily doesn't tell anyone… she still has money in banks in Italy, Liechtenstein and Belgium but she starts dissolving her American assets and moving the cash overseas, she goes to visit Ben Connelly to get up to date passports.

If it had come down to it she could have grabbed Declan and Nell that day and run… been out of the country and living under false names before anyone noticed… in the right country they could last months with what she had but they wouldn't be able to get set up anywhere properly.

This way they would be comfortable wherever they ended up.

The first week of September they're in Yakima Washington… Emily is ready to give up then and there… She's about to miss Nell's first day of school.

They get lucky and find their Unsub with enough time to wrap the case up and red eye it back to Virginia.

It's not quite 6 am when Emily pulls into the garage… as exhausted as she is, she turns on the coffee and starts making a full breakfast for the four of them.

"MOMMY!" Nell's squeal of delight gives her more peace than anything else. She grabs the 5 year old running full tilt at her and the little body moulds into her own. Declan isn't far behind… she takes a minute to just hold them.

Breakfast is loud and happy, Declan has always enjoyed school and Nell chatters non-stop about all the possible people she could meet.

Emily still hasn't managed to get her to truly understand stranger danger, maybe that's her fault for being so paranoid. She seldom allows Declan and Nell to meet anyone she doesn't already know.

* * *

It all comes to a head when they get back from Flagstaff… the only asset she has left in the States is the house in Aquia Harbour… she has the cash, a house for them to eventually settle in and several different passports each for the three of them.

Strauss had been calling her, with increasing regularity and pressure.

Gideon takes off when they get home… they never see him again and she was never able to explain to Declan and Nell why he was just gone.

Emily understands, she really does just how much damage the last two years has done. What she will never understand is how he could walk away from Spencer…

Then again she's about to do the exact same thing.

She storms Strauss office, not noticing Hotch standing there until after she's dumped her gun and badge in front of the surprised woman.

"I'm taking the Foreign Service exams…"

She waits another week for the inevitable phone calls and visits from the team to die down, they won't go looking for her if they've given up before she leaves.

She forgot Hotch knew her history, knew Foreign Service was what her mother wanted and Emily had been fighting against it for over 15 years…

"I think Strauss came to you and asked for dirt on me."

Emily's breath hitched "Why would she do that?"

"I think if you have you eyes on top leadership at the FBI, you want to know who might be in your way."

"And what could I have told her?"

"That one of my agents might have murdered a suspect in cold blood. Or another might have a serious drug problem which I didn't report, and if Strauss had any evidence my career would be over. I think she allowed your transfer and expected something in return and to your credit, you quit rather than whisper in her ear." Hotch eyed her "You've been with the BAU for nearly 2 years and I have absolutely no doubts as to your loyalty so what does Strauss have on you that you'd claim to make a career move you've been fighting against for nearly two decades?"

This was Hotch, solid, trustworthy, protective Hotch who with Gideon gone she would need to trust him with some of her secrets.

"More than you'd think" she huffed "She threatened to have the details of a mission I was involved in declassified, the fallout would be… disastrous."

Hotch cocked his eyebrow waiting for her to provide more detail, his suspicions of her pre-Chicago assignment all but confirmed.

"My role in the mission… was not insignificant and if it got out the danger it would put Nell and Declan in… we'd need to run… disappear forever."

Hotch's eyes widened in realisation "You're not preparing for the foreign service exams…" he studied her intently before speaking again "If she even hints about declassifying that file again threaten to charge her with child endangerment." Hotch smirked "Call Ayesha and get your go bag."

3 hours later they were sitting on a commercial flight to Milwaukee.

Watching Hotch carry David Smith out of the room through her still blurry vision Emily knew with a deep clarity she couldn't run… Declan and Nell were settled and happy and for the first time in living memory so was she. She had to fight for this.

She waited until they were all on the jet before she said anything to Strauss, halfway back to Washington Emily was returning to her seat from the bathroom when she leaned over and whispered in the Section Chief's ear.

"I'm sure the powers that be will be very impressed with the child endangerment charges I'll level against you if you ever declassify JTF-12."

Emily didn't look back as she settled into her seat next to JJ not knowing the younger woman had heard what she's said to the Chief.

Hotch saw the woman's reaction and knew the threat Prentiss had made and smiled darkly. If the Section Chief was as politically savvy as she thought she was then this should be enough to make her back off.

When the team was on their way back from Portland several weeks later Hotch took the seat next to Emily and once he was sure everyone else was distracted he jotted a note on his legal pad and tapped his pen until she looked down at the note.

 _'What's your plan?'_

Emily screwed up her face in confusion... her plan?

 _'To disappear'_

She pulled out her own notebook and angled it so he would be to see what she was writing without being obvious.

 _'Fake ID's, bounce through Europe and Asia for a while, settle in a country I've never lived in before'_

His eyebrow raised slightly as she told him everything while revealing nothing of consequence. He considered what to say next.

 _'Code word?'_

Emily tilted her head thoughtfully.

 _'Ragnarok, contact Matt Cruz in JTTF and tell him the same'_

 _'What else will you need from me?'_

 _'Time, keep the team from looking for us for as long as you can'_

 _'Done, promise me you'll find a way to let me know you're safe and happy'_

 _'I promise'_

Hotch ripped the sheet and the two below it off the legal pad, folded them and handed them over to Emily. She tucked them into her notebook for burning when she got home that night.

Sitting in her backyard that night burning the pages of their notebooks Emily wondered if it came down to it would she really have the courage to run. Grab Declan and Nell, rip them away from everything they had built here?

Never get to see their friends, their home, and the family they'd built again.

It would be heartbreaking but she would do it. Better alive and safe to resent her than dead or in the hands of International Terrorists.

On the 6th anniversary of Ian Doyle's death she didn't have nightmares or strange dreams. She didn't sit up all night, watching the children sleep, gun in hand, heart racing in fear.

She slept, for the first time content in the decisions she'd made.

END CHAPTER


	7. 2007

CHAPTER 7

October 2007

Hotch didn't tell her about the separation. Emily finally found out when Jess called just as she got home from Denver.

Carrie Ortiz's tears as she talked about being a good daughter had touched a nerve she didn't even realise was still raw.

She'd given up on being a good daughter somewhere around 13… by Carrie's age she didn't believe she was a good person. It wasn't until Emily survived her first year at Yale that she started to build the sense of self she had now.

It was that sense of self that caused her to invite Haley and Jess over two nights after they returned. She understood to a degree why Haley had walked out with Jack, but she wondered if her friend truly understood why Hotch couldn't walk away from the BAU.

"Do you know why I do this?" Emily stared hard at Haley over their wines, wondering why all of this came to a head now instead of years ago.

"It's your job…" The blonde was immovable over the idea that her husband had chosen his career over his family.

"Yes and no…" Emily took another sip "How much have I told you about my childhood?"

"Not much" Haley's eyes widened slightly in surprise. Emily rarely spoke about her life before moving to Virginia.

"We moved around… a lot. My Mom's postings took us all over the world and every couple of years we were living in a new country. It was hard to constantly start over, new school, new language, and new rules. My teenage years were tumultuous at best, I made bad choices and paid for it dearly. You know about the fights while I was in college… When I finished my Masters my Mother made me sign up for the Foreign Service exams and got me an interview with the State Department. I had already applied to the FBI and the day my acceptance came through we fought, we'd been fighting for years but this one was bad. I walked out told her to call when she was going to be reasonable."

"How long before she called?"

"Seven years."

"Seven…?

"Yeah, I think she was hoping I'd wash out and come crawling back and I was just relieved I didn't have to play politics anymore. Literally the day after I got custody of Declan we ran into an old acquaintance. Mother visited him a year later he asked her how her daughter and grandson were… she had no idea, faked her way through it and tracked me down when she got back to the states, Nell was a couple of months old by then."

Haley couldn't imagine going seven years without seeing Jack. She also couldn't imagine having Jack without her mother's support to smooth out the crazy.

"Before I had kids I lived on the edge, taking the most dangerous assignment they offered me not as a deliberate snub to my mother, although that was a bonus, but because it felt right. It fit me… I loved the challenge and the thrill… then a mission went south..." Emily paused, taking a breath to steel herself for the really hard part that she didn't think Haley or Jess could ever really understand.

"While cleaning up the aftermath I inherited Declan and I found out I was pregnant… I spent a year hiding from everything and everyone before starting a desk job in Chicago… but everything was off… disconnected… because of the kids I wasn't willing to step out of the safety of the desk even though it was destroying me. Working for the BAU helped put me back together, I had a purpose again and it's made me a better mother. The hours and the traveling are hard on all of us but Declan and Nell need me to have that drive, fight and purpose because without it I hid us away to live a half-life."

"Are you telling me to go back to him?" This was the pitch Haley had been waiting for… go back to him, it's his job, just put up with it.

"No… if you're that miserable… then you've done the right thing." Emily grimaced slightly, Hotch might never forgive her if he found out she said that. At this point Emily didn't think anything would get Haley to go back... even if Hotch quit the BAU.

"I guess… I'm just trying to explain why people like Hotch and I make the choices we do. It's not because we love the job more… it's because without that purpose we're incomplete and that does more damage to us than anything else. That being said, you need to do what's best for you, just like I did when I walked away from my mother."

Haley leaned back in her chair… Emily's words made sense.

"Jack didn't make him want to stay home more" tears pooled in Haley's eyes "Jack made him fight harder."

"Yeah…"

"I guess…" Haley started to put the pieces together "that's why before the BAU he was always searching…" Emily let her friend work through this herself "I always thought I'd get used to it or he'd finally find what he was looking for. I never did get used to it…"

"And I never got used to starting my life again every couple of years while my mother thrives on it. Sometimes we just have to walk away." Emily reached out and grabbed Hayley's hand "and somethings we can never walk away from."

The two sat in silence, Jess was hovering in the background listening to every word, and she let the silence be for a moment before asking a question she'd always wanted the answer to but had never had the courage to ask Aaron. Jess knew her sister had never worked up the courage to ask either.

"What if the monsters follow you home?"

Jess recoiled at the impossible rage that flashed through Emily's eyes.

"They won't live long enough to regret it."

* * *

Days of consults, lectures at the Academy, and time with Declan and Nell passed and then her eyes caught a news item as she was doing the dishes late one evening.

6 Year old Jessica Davis had gone missing at the mall. Three days later she was found dead and dumped in a ditch.

Ayesha was sitting at the kitchen table and saw the look on Emily's face as they listened.

"I promise, they're never out of my sight." Ayesha rarely even took them to the mall. Groceries were done while the kids were at school, Ayesha did her personal shopping on weekends and Emily took the kids for their stuff herself. School drop off and pick up was done by one of them every single day, Declan and Nell had never caught the bus or walked to school and if Emily had her way they never would.

Emily nodded as she wet her lips nervously "It's hard not to see you three in every victim..."

For some reason the fear was always sharper when something happened this close to home. The Davis family lived less than an hour from them.

Katie Jacobs lived even closer…

As they got into the SUV's she locked her kids into a box… until they found Katie she wasn't a mother terrified that this could happen to her kids… she was an agent with a job to do.

Emily glared down at Susan Jacobs wondering how she could chose to protect a monster over an innocent child… what would it take to break her.

"I would do anything for my kids. If someone was threatening them I would put a bullet between their eyes… without hesitation… damn the consequences" Emily stared at Susan Jacobs unable to comprehend the woman's continued denial, so she pushed harder.

"I would burn the world to ashes and salt the earth to get them back. I would do the same for Agent Jareaus child, Agent Morgans, Hotchners, Reids… so why won't you do the same for Beth?" Emily slammed the disfigured Barbie down in front Susan again hoping to shock her out of the delusion that her marriage breakdown was Katie's fault.

"No no no…"

"You have robbed Katie of her childhood, are you gonna steal the rest of her life from her as well?"

Emily saw the exact moment Susan Jacobs broke…

"Enough!"

"Where is she?"

An hour later she had just put Susan in the back of the police car when the rest of the team wandered out and gravitated together. After a few minutes of debrief Hotch dismissed them for the night, the others slowly wandered away leaving just the two of them lost in their own thoughts.

"I was here with the Declan and Nell two weeks ago, it'll be a long time before I bring them back"

"I still can't step foot in USA Mall…" Emily could see his mind was firmly on Jack. She reached out and touched his forearm.

"I'll be watching the kids sleep all night… let me know if you need to join me." Neither of them mentioned the possibility of Haley not letting him in to see Jack.

Emily knew she wasn't vindictive enough to refuse to let Hotch in just because she could but it was late and they both knew the last thing the 2 year old needed was to be woken from a peaceful sleep. Emily had texted Ayesha hours before and told her to put the kids to sleep in her bed, it was a common enough request that the instruction wasn't questioned.

Several hours later Emily was exactly where she said she would be. Declan and Nell were fast asleep in her bed completely oblivious to the battle their Mother had fought that day. Her cell phone lit up with an incoming message.

 **Jack's fast asleep, safe and happy. Yours?**

 **Perfect and sleeping**

* * *

David Rossi watched the rest of the team as they settled into their seats. They were in interesting group, full of dichotomies, each member's strengths overlapping another's weakness. He could see why the collaborative effort worked faster than solo profilers in a case like this, it would take him time to get used to it.

He was also well aware that his actions hadn't endeared him to the team at all.

He studied the team as they each went through their decompression processes. Hotch was doing paperwork, Morgan listening to music with his eyes closed, Reid had his nose buried in a book of some kind, JJ and Prentiss were chatting quietly. He couldn't hear everything they were saying but caught enough words to get the gist of the conversation.

They were planning a girl's night in with the analyst at Emily's. The girl's night out in the City would have to wait until the following weekend when… he didn't quite catch the rest. The conversation continued Emily telling a story, face lit up, and hands flailing with each important plot point. He heard something about mud, carpet and mirrors. JJ was giggling uncontrollably.

This job wasn't for the faint hearted and he wondered what had pushed each of them to this place.

Dave knew Hotch's story, he would work out the others eventually. It would be in the little things, the tiny automatic reactions that were almost uncontrollable. For now he watched the two women as they talked about something completely unrelated to serial offenders, abnormal psychopathy, deviance, death and pain.

They were somewhere over Arkansas, just before 8pm in Virginia when Emily and Hotch's phones rang within minutes of each other. Dave listened as Hotch said goodnight to his son and watched a soft smile cross Prentiss' face as she spent 15 minutes talking quietly to whoever was on the other end of the phone. Her entire demeanor had relaxed and whoever she was speaking with managed to wash the last of the case from her mind. Leaning over he quietly asked Reid.

"How old is her kid?"

Reid studied him intently for a moment and Rossi got the feeling he was being judged on whether he could be trusted with the answer.

"10 and 5…" was all he got…

Sitting back he added the information to the mental file he was putting together on his new team. It was painfully obvious that if he wanted anymore information he would need to ask the woman herself.

He didn't get a chance as when they landed in Virginia Emily took off without going back to the office.

"Dave?" Hotch called him over.

"Yeah?"

"I've known you a long time, when you want to know something you'll poke and prod until you get a reaction. Don't do that with the team… they all have things that…"

"Define them?"

"Yeah… just let them come to you when they're ready"

"And I've earned their trust." Dave stated before heading for his car "Message received loud and clear Hotch." Received but not necessarily followed…

* * *

Dave is still trying to work out all of their individual idiosyncrasies and what they mean when hours after they return from Bridgewater he finally meets the kids whose names he hasn't been told yet.

The call comes from Hotch… Garcia's been shot…

Despite the late hour Emily turns up, arms full of a sleeping 5 year old and a barely awake 10 year old trailing with her. He hears her mutter something to Hotch about someone meeting her there when they finished something. Hotch nods his acceptance and Rossi can tell it's not the first time they've had this conversation.

He wonders how many nights those two kids have been at the BAU waiting to be picked up when the team gets an urgent call out.

Emily settles herself next to JJ, arranging the girl comfortably in her lap while the boy sits next to his mother and drops his head to rest against her nodding off to sleep fairly quickly.

With nothing to do but people watch while they wait for news he contemplates the part of Emily she hasn't spoken about in front of him and he only got that one brief glimpse of on the way home from Texas. Based solely on her behaviour, if he hadn't witnessed the phone call on the jet he would not have known she was a mother.

He can see their faces clearly from this angle and the way they're seated the boy's blond hair is stark mixed in with the near black of his mothers and sisters. Dave can't be sure but he thought he caught a glimpse of blue before his eyes slid shut. The girl is almost her mother remade, hair, skin, nose, eye shape and cheeks. The boy has nothing of Emily in him but shares ears and chin with his sister.

They can all tell Emily's arms are starting to ache with the weight of both children, she refuses all offers for someone to take the girl but let's Reid pull the boy's head to rest against him.

Not long later the little girl stirs and her eyes blink open, Dave almost gasps at the shockingly bright blue iris' that appear.

How the hell did Emily Prentiss whose eyes are nearly black end up with two blue eyed children?

"Mommy…" an exhausted whine escapes. Emily doesn't respond or look down instead she wraps her arms tighter around the girl and presses the small head directly over her heart. It's an unconscious move on the profilers part, one she's probably done thousands of times. Hotch, JJ and Reid don't react to the move or the girl telling him they're used to this.

"Nell's a cuddler…" Hotch murmured to him eventually "Don't be surprised if one day she jumps up on your lap without warning."

Dave wonders how bad it would be for his reputation if he giggles out loud when he gets the image of the first time Emily's tiny clone climbed into Hotch's lap.

"Emily, let me take her. Your arms are shaking…" Hotch walks over and stands in front of Emily.

"You can try but she's been clingy all night. She's going to have a meltdown when Ayesha gets here."

Dave can see that Agent Prentiss has been left behind at the BAU and an exhausted mother worried about a friend is sitting in front of him. Hotch gently places his hands under Nell's arms, lifts her off Emily's lap and settles her against his chest. When it seems as though she's slept through the transfer Emily stands and stretches out, her back and shoulder cracking from the movement. It's the only reprieve she gets as Nell starts squirming in Hotch's arms teary voice calling for her mother.

When Hotch hands Nell back to Emily she spends the next 15 minutes calming the little girl down.

It's another 30 minutes before the sounds of footsteps cause them all to look up. At the sight of a young woman somewhere in her early to mid 20's Emily reaches over and shakes her boy awake. The hand off doesn't go smoothly and Emily's sitter walks away with arms full of a very unhappy child.

Slumping down in the closest seat, which happens to be next to him Emily sighs and runs her hands over her face. Rossi wonders if he should attempt to say something nice or stick with his normal sarcastic and slightly inappropriate comment. Looking at the woman again he decides she's not actually distraught just tired and frustrated.

"You make very pretty human's"

She snorts loud enough for the others to look at them curiously.

"Thanks, but I don't think Declan will be too happy at being called pretty."

Before any more discussion can be had there's a Doctor heading towards them.

* * *

Emily avoids Jack Vaughn at all costs, she'd seen it in his eyes the second they'd been introduced. He recognised her.

It took her a while to remember where he would have seen her until she flashed back on the night Fahey introduced her to Ian. He'd been in the pub that night…

Of all the places to run into someone who would recognise Lauren Reynolds she never banked on Southern California. DC, New York or Boston yes.

Emily was grateful when he didn't say anything while they were looking for Lindsay and she didn't give him the chance to speak with her afterwards either. She sends a message through the Marshall.

"Lauren Reynolds is dead"

* * *

She missed having bangs… she'd maintained them on and off since going to college and initially getting them for the simple reason of her mother not wanting her to and found she loved them.

When she'd been preparing to go undercover Tsia had suggesting lightening her hair slightly but she'd kept the bangs. One of the first things she did when the debrief had been finished was dye her hair back to its natural dark brown and get it cut into a smooth long bob. The style didn't last long thanks to pregnancy hormones so she didn't bother to try and maintain it, let it all grow out… including the bangs. It had certainly made life easier when Nell was a newborn as she could just pull her hair back in a ponytail or French braid.

Once she'd returned to work she'd gone back to the long bob and recently she'd been experimenting with different styles, the reality is she missed having bangs.

Up until a few months ago every time she thought about getting them cut back in she felt Ian's fingers run gently across her brow shifting her hair so he could nuzzle her forehead without getting a nose or mouth full of hair. … the feel of Ian's hands on her had faded to the point that sitting in the hairdressers chair she felt nothing but excitement when she asks the hairdresser to give her bangs.

When the stylist finished, Emily stared at herself in the mirror. This was good.

* * *

Emily knows David Rossi well enough by now to understand how much he won't appreciate her particular way of winding down after a case.

It normally ends up with her kitchen a complete mess and two sugared up hyperactive children and occasionally cookie dough or cake batter hand prints randomly through the house.

Cookies, cupcakes, muffins, brownies… Ayesha's study group loves it when she returns from a case.

Seeing the way Dave is haunted by those three damaged children Emily decides he's coming back to her house whether he likes it or not. He can sit in her kitchen drink and be with children whose lives weren't irrevocably broken. It won't be the first time she's used her kids to drag a team member out of the depths.

By the time Declan and Nell get home from school and are running into the kitchen yelling for her Dave has relaxed enough to smile at their exuberant greetings. While Emily is on the floor with her arms full of children Dave has a whispered conversation with Ayesha and the young woman disappears back out the door.

When she returns Nell has settled herself on Dave's lap with her favourite cookie cutters demanding his assistance while Declan and Emily are spooning batter into a cupcake pan. The four of them are covered in sugar, flour and various spatters of unbaked goods but they're all smiling. Nell's looking up at Dave with a giant smile as Emily speaks with a smirk.

"Nell, mostri a Dave il tuo italiano" _(Nell, show Dave your Italian)_

"Sta per buttare qualche francese solo per essere difficile" _(She's going to throw in some French just to be difficult)_ Declan ducks as a piece of cookie dough is thrown in his direction followed by an indignant cry.

"No, non lo faro" _(No I won't)_

Handing Dave the groceries he'd asked her to get Ayesha disappears to her room to work on an assignment. Once there is counter space available Dave started to pull out the ingredients for the pasta bake he planned for the five of them, a thought suddenly occurred to him.

"Food Allergies?"

"None… thank god and they'll eat pretty much anything you put in front of them."

Emily smiles into her beer as Declan and Nell hang onto every word of Dave's as he explains how to make the perfect pasta sauce.

* * *

The night after they get back from New York Emily receives a somewhat panicked call from JJ.

"How the hell do you do this job with kids… the baby isn't even here yet and…"

"You don't know how you can see what you see and still look your kids in the eye?" Emily asked "Hotch asked me the exact same thing."

"They're not even here yet… and… and you were just shot at and Hotch was nearly blown up and I don't know how I'll do this job and be a Mom. You told me you're relieved your kids are fatherless but never explained why... what did he do to you?"

"To be honest with you JJ… I already had kids when I joined the BAU. It's different walking into it with kids than having kids when you're already there." Emily blew out a harsh breath and chewed on her bottom lip while she considered her answer.

"It's like this, Declan and Nell are clean, Garcia jokes about me being crazy protective of them but the reality is we know just how filthy the world is and every case I go on keeps them clean and innocent and safe. Every case I return from they're there and perfect and that's how I do this job and be a mother. As for their father…" she huffed again "the less said the better…"

There was a beat of silence on the other end and somewhere in her panic JJ found the courage ask "You've never even told us his name Em…" the silence on the other end unnerved her and JJ wondered if she'd gone too far. Emily's voice was thick when she finally answered.

"He doesn't deserve to be acknowledged JJ, he wanted Declan to be as filthy as he was and he died without knowing Nell existed so no I'll never tell you his name because he's not worthy of them."

JJ didn't push for more, but for Emily to describe the monsters they chased and the father of her children with the same word… it was one more thing about Emily Prentiss that made absolutely no sense and explained so much at the same time.

* * *

On the 7th anniversary of Ian Doyle's death Emily didn't even realise what the date was.

She and Reid had been trapped in the Liberty Ranch for over a day, still playing the part of Child Interview Experts and attempting to manipulate the situation from the inside. They both knew Cyrus wouldn't go down without a fight and the team would be working with a Minimal Loss scenario.

Her vision narrowed when Cyrus pointed his gun at Reid. As expected Reid denied being the FBI agent straight away, Emily remained silent at first hoping Reid would be able to talk him down.

"God will forgive me for what I must do"

There was no talking him down and she could take whatever Cyrus wanted to dish out…

"It's me…"

By the end of it she was hurting, nowhere near as bad as the CIA or that bar fight with Baptiste in Sofia but still in pain.

Hours later she was tied up on a small cot with Kathy Evanson cleaning her wounds. Emily felt for the woman, she truly did… Kathy had brought her daughter here to be safe, cared for and loved. Instead Jessica had been brainwashed by a Hebephilic sociopath and the poor woman had to stand by as Jessica was drawn further and further into Cyrus' toxicity.

Emily allowed her to lift her shirt to check her bruised ribs when a small square of paper poked out of a hidden inner pocket of her pants.

"No… don't…" but she was too late, Kathy pulled the slip out and saw a small photo of Declan and Nell.

The older woman's eyes teared up "They're beautiful" she whispered.

"They're why I'm here…" Emily whispered back "I can protect them but if I couldn't I would hope someone else would try…"

Kathy nodded tears dripping down her cheeks before tucking the picture back into Emily's pocket and leaving the room.

When she arrived back in Virginia the significance of the date finally occurred to her when she was greeted with a birthday cake.

She kept the kids home from school and took them to the zoo.

For the first time ever Emily enjoyed a day at the zoo.

END CHAPTER


	8. 2008

CHAPTER 8

October 2008

Emily had been thinking on and off about adding a fourth language to Declan and Nell's list and had mostly decided to leave it until they hit high school until she's sitting in the interrogation room with Ruben Garcia when she decided she didn't want them to learn school form Spanish.

She still swapped regularly between English, French and Italian and when he visited, Dave would randomly drop Italian into the conversations as well.

So she starts small, the occasional word here and there where Declan and Nell could automatically work out it's meaning from context. It would be months before they could be considered conversant but it was a start.

* * *

It's been years since she's gone drinking like she did in Vegas and Emily is still a little hung over when JJ goes into labour. She and Garcia kick Hotch out of the room while they're waiting for Will to arrive.

"Did you wait to find out if Nell was a boy or girl?" JJ asked wanting a distraction.

"I found out beforehand… her existence was enough of a surprise." Emily grinned remembering that day in the doctor's office and the look on Declan's face when he found out he was getting a sister.

"I've always been curious…" JJ paused to breathe through a contraction "… is Nell short for anything?"

"Eleanor."

"It's pretty and it suits her."

"It's a tradition from my mothers family going back god knows how many generations. She's Eleanor Emily, I'm Emily Elizabeth, my mother is Elizabeth Eleanor and my grandmother was Eleanor Emily… If she chooses to stick with it her oldest daughter should be Elizabeth Eleanor."

JJ was surprised by how forthcoming Emily was being and decided to milk it for all it was worth, Garcia sits and listens almost vibrating in glee at the information JJ is managing to extract.

Emily knows exactly what JJ was doing but doesn't really mind and she hasn't been asked any questions she wouldn't answer anyway.

"How did you come up with Nell for a nickname?"

"I read it in a book when I was about 9 or 10… it stuck with me. Next question…"

"Did you have an epidural?"

"Didn't have time, they didn't even get me up to the maternity ward. She was crowning as they examined me in the ER."

JJ cringed at the image "Did you have one of those weirdly fast labours that you hear about on TV?"

"No..." Emily laughed "I had a five year old and no childcare, I started having contractions early evening, let Declan sleep through the night and caught a cab to the hospital in the morning."

"Did you nurse her?"

"Full time until I went back to work when she was 7 months old, mornings and nights until 10 months I finally got her weaned off evening feeds just before her first birthday… she was not impressed and it was a bigger battle than potty training."

"You nursed for a full year…?" Garcia finally spoke, hoping she hasn't broken the spell but Emily has drifted off into a memory and speaks without really thinking about it.

"I'd decided years before not to have children… When I got pregnant… I wanted her so badly… I knew she'd be my one and only so I figured I'd just go with whatever felt right, she was happy and healthy and there was no reason for me to stop."

JJ wants to ask why she had decided not to have children when she wanted them but there's a look in Emily's eyes that stops her. She knows she won't get an answer… there's too much pain in her eyes.

"Let me give you some advice…" Emily shakes herself out of the past and grabs JJ's hand "people are going to tell you what they think is best and no matter what you do someone is going to disagree with it and it's going to suck. Do what you need to do to keep you both happy and healthy and screw everyone else."

JJ nods, she's been getting so much conflicting information and advice from the books, the midwife, her obstetrician, her mother, her aunts. Emily had always been the one to cut through the bullshit and JJ felt better having been told it was ok to ignore people's unsolicited advice.

"Nell's first word?"

"Hug"

"Surprise, surprise" Garcia mutters under her breath.

The three turn to look as the door opens to let Will in, JJ's smile is blinding and neither of them notice when Emily and Garcia slip out.

* * *

Hotch makes Emily and Reid escort Kaylee Robinson and the kids to Manassas General and for some reason she ends up on parent duty. They have the kids and Kaylee all in the same room in the ER, a little bit dehydrated, a lot scared but overall ok.

Reid is sitting in the center of the room entertaining the children with magic tricks while she reassures the terrified parents.

"Yes they all ok… yes we caught him… no they are not in any more danger"

Emily is very unimpressed when after a moment of eerie quiet the kids let out a squeal of delight which is almost immediately followed by her getting smacked in the head with the rocket… again. She would never admit it out loud but she's wondering if Reid has worked out how to aim them because she's the only one who he manages to hit in the head on a regular basis.

"Reid… I swear if you ever teach Declan how to do that…" she doesn't need to finish her threat as it's not the first time she's made it and they both know it won't be the last. Emily is positive Declan doesn't know how to do physics/magic yet simply because she hasn't been called up to his school to explain where he learned to make the pop rockets.

Rolling her eyes she turns back to see naked relief on the parents faces, after their ordeal they can still laugh and be amazed by something… their kids are going to be ok.

* * *

Jordan is no JJ but Emily is grateful for her company when baiting Viper… and she wonders what his reaction would be if he knew the woman he was lusting over was a single mother of two.

* * *

The day after Declan's 12th birthday as she's driving to meet with Jon she considers whether or not to tell him about Declan and Nell. It's a debate she's had with herself every time they meet up.

She can't wrap her head around the idea that she and Jon could have a 22 year old right now.

If she could predict how Jon would take the news it would make it a much easier decision. So much time had passed and so much had happened since they were teens in Rome… she took the most dangerous assignment the FBI offered her, Jon still doesn't stay anywhere for more than a year or two and Matthew had fallen into depths of drug addiction… she wonders if knowing about her kids would help him finally clean-up for good. She's had a letter sitting in her desk for years… a picture taken of the three of them by Lydia Falk at the Memorial Day picnic in Chicago.

Every time Emily thinks about sending it she's stopped by the fear that as soon as Matthew realises what the photo means he'll be on her doorstep. She's not sure what his current drug of choice is but he would not be sober when he turned up and like with Spencer there's no way in hell she's going to let her kids be exposed to that.

Seeing Jon is always a punch in the gut, they we're so young and stupid and naïve and selfish.

She gets up to leave with the file in hand and a cold ball of grief in her belly, but turns back before getting more than a handful of steps away.

"Jon…" His head jerks slightly but he doesn't take his eye off the drink in his hand.

She doesn't speak again, instead pulls out a photo Jess took of the three of them on Christmas Eve and places it next to his drink and waits.

He studies the photo for long moments and a wistful smile crosses his face.

"How the hell did you end up with a blond, Em?"

More than anyone Jon deserves as much of the truth from her as she can give him.

"He's my exes from a previous relationship. When he died there was no other family and I was pregnant with his sibling. I got custody…"

Jon finally turned and looked at her grief and regret soaking his entire face.

"This is good…" his smile is weak but genuine.

She's glad he understands…

* * *

She's never talked about this with someone that didn't already know. She feels all the fear of that 15 year old girl come back as Dave pushes her to tell her story in his own inimitable way.

"Matthew knew the bible inside out... then he started to question everything."

"Why?"

Her eyes begged him not to make her say it out loud. He stood there silent and blank, waiting. Dave could see the moment she steeled herself for the wave of judgement her words might bring down. She expected it… some part of her desired it, wanted to be screamed at and castigated for the choices she'd made.

"We moved around a lot when I was a kid... cause of my Mom's postings... it was hard to get accepted and when you're fifteen that's all you want... you'll do almost anything." there was something in the way she said anything that allowed him to get what she was trying so hard not to say.

"You got pregnant." Dave didn't want to imagine 15 year old Emily trying to handle that.

"Yeah..."

"Was Matthew the father?"

"No... I didn't know what to do... I couldn't tell my Mom... Matthew suggested we talk with our priest."

"And what'd he say?" Dave knew what a Roman Catholic Priest would say to anyone who came to him pregnant no matter their age or how they got pregnant.

"He said that if I had an abortion I wasn't welcome in his congregation."

"So what'd you do?"

"Matthew found a doctor... he took me there,,, he stayed with me... that Sunday when we got back to Rome he held my hand a walked me into the church... Father Gamino actually stopped his sermon... but Matthew told me to hold my head up and we walked to the front pew..."

"What'd the priest do?"

"He and Matthew just stared at each other it was like a battle of wills and then suddenly Father Gamino went back to his sermon... Matthew saved my life... he made me feel... like I was worthy... of... love and friendship..."

"But that's when his anger and questioning started."

"Yeah... he started doing drugs and when that melded with his religious questioning you could understand why his parents were afraid he was possessed by something evil... it's my fault... that Matthew's life unravelled..."

All of a sudden Dave wants to wrap her in cotton wool and lock her in her house with Declan and Nell. Put a bubble around the three of them so they would never be hurt again.

Maybe turn back the clock and stop 15 year old Emily from feeling so isolated and alone that she thought she had to sleep her way to acceptance, slap Elizabeth Prentiss for allowing it to get to that point.

Make it so he never had to see that look on her face again.

There was nothing Dave could say that would ever make her believe Matthew's descent into drug addiction wasn't her fault... for months he pondered the things she hadn't told him in that freezing empty lot. There was more, not directly related to what happened with Matthew but connected to her story as a whole.

It had bothered him but he decided not to call her on it, she'd been too raw... months later a conversation overheard would get him thinking again.

* * *

Emily would forever regret that none of them saw George Foyet for what he was. Looking back she can see the signs, they all can…

She knows that refusing to take the deal is the only choice Hotch can make. It's the choice all of them would have made in his place because conceding to the demands of a serial killer does nothing but feed their delusion. It's the price of that hard line that they're never sure of… what's it going to be and who is going to be paying it.

The first installment was taken straight away with the lives of 12 people doing nothing more than sit on the bus. Now all they can do is wait for Foyet to make his next move.

* * *

Danny Murphy's remorseless gaze stay's with her… when the rest of the team go home she asks Hotch if it's ok for her to stay and help the Murphy's through the initial assessment on Danny. She spends the next two days walking them through the process, making sure they understand what everything means for Danny.

Weathering their grief fueled rage.

She starts dreaming about that cold and careless stare on Declan's face… the face he inherited from Ian.

Emily dreams of her son unable to care, empathise, regret, love… know only ownership, control and physical pleasure.

She dreams of Nell bitter and cruel, uncaring if her words and deeds cause hurt. Deliberately taking joy in causing distress to others, refusing affection.

She knows that isn't her children… but knowledge can't always take away irrational fear.

Their distress when Declan found a baby bird in the park… it had fallen from the nest and died. They both cried… 2 year old Nell didn't really understand but she knew something bad had happened and cried because her brother did… she's pretty sure that was the day Declan realised Mom couldn't fix everything. She'll never forget the tears streaming down his face has he begged her to make the chick better. She'll never just how much it hurt being unable to make it better.

It doesn't stop her panicking… or calling Dave at 3am completely and utterly convinced she's missed something and Declan is his father in more than just looks.

"Dave, please tell me I haven't missed anything… that they're normal and happy and nothing like him…"

"Emily?" Dave hasn't quite woken up and can't work out why he's talking to her in the middle of the night.

"Yeah" He's never heard her this upset before…

"Start again… what's wrong…"

"Declan and Nell, there's nothing wrong with them is there?"

"What do you mean, Ayesha would have called you if there was a problem…"

"No… yeah… I mean physically they're fine…" Emily takes a shaky breath, lets it out and then takes another to try and calm herself. "You'd tell me if they were like Danny wouldn't you?"

Dave closes his eyes as he finally understands why he's getting this call now… why she's not calling Hotch, Reid or Morgan. They would make the promise she's going to ask him for and never be able to keep it. Despite the promise they would never be able to stand before her fury if they tried. He would, he could make her listen…

"Do you remember last month, when the team got together at your place for a cook out? Nell insisted they watch Bambi… Jack cried and Declan was nearly in tears as well cause he couldn't help Jack?"

"Yeah…" she whispered.

"Kids like Danny don't cry when a friend is hurting. Kids like Danny don't let their baby sisters fall asleep on them, they don't giggle when their Mom trips over her own feet and drops a cake, they don't let a friend win to make them happy… Declan does all those things"

"I know…" she's feeling calmer now, Dave sees what she sees "but promise me if you ever see anything… anything… you'll make me listen. Don't let me wave it off or tell you it's nothing… promise you'll make me do something…"

He can hear the desperation in her voice and knows with everything they see her fear is genuine… even if he doesn't know the root cause.

"I promise. I will make you listen and I will not give up until you get an answer." Dave knows he's never going to have to make good on the promise. The signs would have been picked up by now.

* * *

Emily is never more grateful that she picked Aquia Harbour to buy a house in.

It's far enough out of the way that unlike JJ and Hotch she's not tempted to call a warning into Ayesha that someone is running around the city with Anthrax.

* * *

Pigs… the noise, and the stench were overwhelming.

As is the bitterness in Morgan's voice as he asks her a question she has no answer to.

"But how many other are still out there, Prentiss? Hmmm, hunting and killing? I mean the thing is no matter what we do, no matter how hard we work, no matter how good we are at what we do this is never going to end?"

More than that Emily didn't know how many more times she could see family members using and abusing each other. Damaging someone they should love and protect.

As the sun was rising on their third day in Canada she watched the local coroner finish processing Lucas Turner's body. He wasn't a monster, Emily could imagine him being a sweet gentle giant until Mason's hatred warped him. Kelly's passionate defence of her captor had stunned most of the others but Emily and Derek knew the truth.

Kelly had seen past the man who followed his brothers every twisted order and knew the truth.

Lucas didn't deserve what Mason did to him and he didn't deserve to die.

When they finally get back to Virginia late in the evening all Emily wanted was to shower and sleep.

She quickly peeked into the kids rooms and found them sound asleep. As she walked towards her bedroom she caught another whiff of herself and detoured to the kitchen for a scented garbage bag.

Once in her ensuite clothes were stuffed into the bag… she wasn't even going to try and get the stench of pigsty out.

Clean and relaxed she stood in the door to Declan's room and watched the 12 year old sleep. Her sweet, gentle boy who still doted on his sister, his soccer and lacrosse coaches all agreed he was one of their best team players. Not the most nor least talented… steady and balanced and understood better than most the value of sportsmanship.

He was everything Ian wasn't.

Ian had to win at all costs, he had to own and possess. No one was allowed to deny him anything he wanted.

* * *

The sight of the blood that soaked Hotch's carpet would stay with her for a while… even worse watching him say goodbye to Jack.

Emily pulled out her phone and texted Ayesha with instructions to put the kids to sleep in her bed tonight…. she pauses it's been a while and at 12 Declan is definitely too old to be made to sleep in his Mom's bed with his 7 year old sister. She sends another changing it to just Nell, Declan can decide for himself. He'd worked out a few years before that after a really bad case they slept in Mom's room.

She didn't even want to imagine how heartbroken Hotch was.

' _What if the monsters follow you home?'_

This was the second installment of the cost to be paid for refusing George Foyet's deal.

On the eighth anniversary of Ian Doyle's death she could easily ignore what the day meant to her.

It was Jack Hotchner's 4th birthday… he was in hiding and his father was broken.

The team didn't try to distract him from the day… they just left him to his grief.

END CHAPTER


	9. 2009

CHAPTER 9

October 2009

"You're not looking at me like the others" Dave watched quietly from the corner as Carol cradled her son close as though scared he and Emily were there to take the baby away.

Emily sat back in the hard plastic chair, legs crossed, posture as relaxed and nonthreatening as she could make it.

"What do you mean?"

"Like you're wondering how I could love him."

"That's because I'm not wondering, I know you just do."

A piece of the puzzle slid into place, then another and another. Little things he'd been cataloguing for two years. Her fierce protectiveness of her kids, how much she sheltered them away from the world and it wasn't just the job. From what he had been able to glean this had been going on long before Emily had come to the BAU.

When they got home he picked out a bottle of his favourite red wine and made the drive out to Emily's house. Given the time of night, the kids would be in bed and Ayesha would either be out with friends or at class. When she opened the front door he held the bottle aloft.

"Given the last couple of day's I figured you could use a drink."

She silently moved aside to let him into the house, leading him down to the kitchen she quickly got out two wine glasses and waited until they were seated at the kitchen table, glasses full and bottle in between them.

"You were quiet on the jet...?" He kept his voice soft, not wanting to wake her kids.

"Yeah..."

He waited patiently, they'd had enough of these conversations to know she wouldn't speak until ready. Being at home had relaxed her enough that he could read her as easily as a child.

"Gideon used to do this... turn up on my doorstep with a bottle of wine after a case. It started when I moved to Virginia. He'd spend time with the kids and after they were in bed we'd just talk for hours about everything and nothing and in the end there was only one thing I never told him..." her dark eyes met his "I never told him about Rome... It's just something I don't talk about no matter how much that event shaped me and the decisions I would make over 15 years later..." she trailed off unsure of how to continue, the words floating around her head but none of them felt right.

"Did Nell's father rape you?" he knew the whole team wondered why she was so closed mouthed about the children's paternity, he also knew he wasn't the only one who wondered if this was the reason why.

"The sex itself was consensual, but I never consented to unprotected sex. He wanted a child... I didn't... he forced the issue and tampered with my birth control. I considered… you know… for all of 3 minutes but I couldn't do it again." Over 20 years and she still couldn't use the word abortion.

"That's why you insisted on being the one who interviewed Carol."

"Yeah... I know what it's like to love a child while hating their father." Dave could see the resignation in her eyes "The rest of the team... they know Nell wasn't planned but they don't..."

"Know you had the choice taken away from you." Dave finished for her.

Emily's bottom lip was pulled between her teeth as she nodded.

"I don't know how to explain keeping a child I was trapped into getting pregnant with without telling them about Rome."

Dave let her drop into silence and gather her thoughts while he sipped on wine. After a few minutes she turned and studied him reading the next question before he asked, what was it about her that got Gideon got so invested in her.

"The Bureau screwed up…" Dave's eyes widened slightly "They missed my psych eval after an operation I was working on went south and no one noticed just how damaged I was until I met Gideon 2 years later and by then…"

"Pointing out the error and standing you down until cleared would do more damage than keeping you active and working through the issues privately."

"Yeah… he wanted me in the BAU but knew I needed to heal first."

"How classified is the mission?"

Haunted eyes lifted to meet his "There are two people who know everything. Six more who know most of it."

"It still influences you doesn't it. That mission is why you don't let Ayesha take the kids into DC without you, why you won't take them to visit your parents in Europe? Someone could recognise you and put them in danger?" Emily's breath hitched as Dave, much like Gideon years before managed to zero in on her motivations.

"Yes… It's why I transferred to Chicago. No friends or family, no connections, I knew we'd be safe there, it's also the real reason I picked Aquia Harbour. Small community, the neighbours all know each other and are more than happy to report back any change in routine… and I'm betting tomorrow morning Patty across the road will be asking about my gentleman caller."

Dave chuckled, he and Carolyn had had a Patty across the road.

"It's why it took me 5 months to mention them to anyone in Chicago and 6 before anyone at the BAU other than Gideon met them."

* * *

8 years before Emily would have been able to sit across from Karl Arnold and be exactly what he wanted. She would have flirted, sparred, insulted, and insinuated whatever he needed in order to get what she wanted out of him.

Somewhere… she had lost the ability that made her such a successful undercover operative. She wasn't upset, in fact she was quite relieved to know that part of herself was gone.

On the other hand it made compartmentalising Karl Arnold so much more difficult. Standing with Hotch outside the interrogation room she just felt dirty and used. If they didn't need his information so badly she'd pull the plug right now.

Hours of playing his game…

"It takes a good woman to make an honest man. And anyway, let's face it… she's prettier than you." Arnold eyed her making her fight to not squirm uncomfortably before turning his gaze back to Hotch. "And from what I hear there's no man in the picture either… just a boy who she loves like her own and a girl who's looking more and more like Mommy every day."

The only thing that stops her from punching him is Hotch's hand on her shoulder holding her in the seat.

* * *

She manages to hold back her tears for hours. She doesn't let them out when Foyet pulls the trigger, when she sees Hotch covered in blood clutching Jack to him, when the coroner takes Haley's body away, when she has to tell Declan and Nell. She holds them in and looks after everyone else until sometime after midnight when she strips down and gets into the shower.

By the time the water heats up the tears have started, her entire body shakes with the sobs she's been holding back all day.

Haley's life was the final price for not bowing to Foyet's demands, not feeding his delusion. Haley who accepted her from the first time they met, who she could giggle like a teenager with, who gave her and her kids their first real family Christmas.

When the sobs finally abate she quickly dries off and gets dressed, back in the bedroom she discovers Nell curled up in the middle of her bed. Sliding under the covers she curls around the 6 year old and drifts off into an exhausted slumber.

She's not sure how much time has passed when the covers are lifted, the bed dips and Declan curls into her back.

The desire to run comes back tenfold, Haley and Jack are proof that she can't protect her kids from everything. She tamps it down and pulls them closer, they'll be fine… Foyet was an aberration.

The exception, not the rule.

* * *

When word came back to the team that Hotch would be returning as Unit Chief, Emily has a quiet discussion with Ayesha before heading over to his apartment.

She smiled briefly at Jess when the blond opened the door and slipped inside.

"You'll be looking after Jack when Hotch is away?" Emily asked her quietly watching Hotch and Jack play quietly on the floor.

"Yeah" Jess responded with a half-smile as Hotch whispered to his son before getting up and walking over to the two women.

"You know I'll be back in the office on Monday don't you?" Hotch questioned her.

"Yeah, but I wanted to talk to the two of you privately." Emily pulled an envelope out of her pocket and handed it to Jess "This is a key to my place, the security code and Ayesha's cell number. If you ever need help with Jack give her a call and she'll look after him with my two. I finally finished converting the basement into a studio for her so he'll even have his own bedroom. Jack knows Ayesha and the three kids get on well and it gives you guys another option in case of emergencies." Emily's gaze flickered between the two of them as she waited for a response.

"Prent.. Emily thank you." Hotch's voice was hoarse as he stared at the envelope Jess was still clutching.

"I've been there Hotch... All alone with a little boy and no idea of how the hell I'm going to do it by myself." Emily swallowed hard "I'm still not sure how I survived the first year."

"Do you remember Jack's first Christmas? Haley didn't know it but it was our first real one too. I'd never seen anything like it... and I'd never been able to give it to my kids either. There was nothing I could ever do to repay you guys for that day... never mind the friendship and acceptance you offered me freely I'll do anything I can to help you guys out."

"She knew." Jess' voice was thick with tears "Mom and I questioned her pretty hard on why she wanted to invite you to our family Christmas, she wouldn't tell us why it was so important to her just that she didn't want you guys to be alone."

* * *

She's still a little woozy when they get back from Lockport, nowhere near steady enough to drive. Ayesha winces when she see's the bruises covering Emily's face and the bandage on her wrist. The kids never react well when Emily comes home injured, Nell regresses to her clingiest and Declan is old enough to understand the danger of her job and has started hovering over her every time she gets a bump or a bruise on the job.

As she's listening to Reid try and talk Samantha Malcolm around Emily feel's a rage bubble up at the people and the system that failed this poor girl.

She didn't want to kill or hurt people… Samantha just wanted her friends back. Samantha's voice floats over the comm and the sheer joy they hear when Reid opens the suitcase with her dolls is painful.

The list of people Emily compares with Ian Doyle is small and Arthur Malcolm has just been added to it.

A bad month of cases has them all at the tipping point when JJ pleads with the team to do the equivocal death investigation in Evanston Wyoming. None of the team come away from it unscathed, although they all try to shake off the way one sick and twisted man managed to convince so many kids to kill themselves. It's not until she starts fiddling with the star puzzle that a smile manages to break through the melancholy.

Her father had found it in a toy shop in Slovakia and sent it for Declan. As clever as he was Declan didn't have the patience for this type of puzzle yet, Emily was planning on pulling it out again for him in a few years. She'd found the pieces strewn through her car after he'd tossed them on the floor in frustration and Emily is pretty sure she'd gathered them up and tossed them in her briefcase meaning to store them away but promptly forgot once she actually got inside the house.

JJ is still morose and brooding but the rest of the teams spirits have picked up.

* * *

Emily stood inside Lynn Clemmons house and studied the picture of Jody Hatchett Garcia had sent. If they were right this little girl was the Unsubs endgame, protecting her and freeing Nancy Campbell was the teams sole goal and all Emily wanted to do was call her kids.

God Jody's eyes were the exact same shade of blue as Declan and Nell.

She slipped out of the door as Jody ran up the drive, took her into her bedroom and wanted to throw up when Jody explained the stories behind her paintings. The King desperately searching for a Queen to take home to the Princess, it was a heartbreaking tale. This beautiful little girl had lost her Mom, her Foster Mom and by the end of the day her Dad would be in custody.

Despite her best efforts Emily couldn't completely shelter Jody from her father's last desperate act and as the gun shot echoed down the street the 7 year old cried out in fear. Clutching the terrified child to her Emily lifted her up, pressed Jody's face down and into her neck, the girls tears soaking down into her neck and shirt.

For the briefest of moments all Emily could see was a pitch dark tunnel.

Shaking it off she carried Jody out of the front room and to her bedroom so she wouldn't have to live with the memory of seeing SWAT converge on her father's truck, the blood and brain matter coating the windows, her father's dead body.

When they got to the bedroom Emily eased them down onto the bed and rocked back and forth humming under her breath letting Jody sob. After several minutes she could feel Jody's grip start to slacken as the fear gave way to exhaustion.

Looking down Emily could see her eyes sliding open and shut, rubbing a hand lightly up her back she continued to rock gently hoping Jody would drop off to sleep. If she tried hard enough she could pretend she was comforting Declan or Nell after a bad dream.

Another few minutes and Jody's body was completely limp in her lap. A noise at the bedroom door made her look up, Hotch was standing there with Nancy Campbell.

"I just…" Nancy bit her bottom lip "I just wanted to make sure she was ok"

Nancy stepped into the room and lowered herself into the chair JJ sat in less than an hour before, her eyes never leaving the now sleeping Jody.

"When my husband died… I was so scared… I didn't know if I could raise Courtney alone. I got lucky, I had friends and family who stepped in and got us through that first year. I can't imagine what would have happened to us without them."

"You're wondering if without that support you would have ended up in a similar position to Wade Hatchett?" Hotch asked quietly.

"Yeah…"

Emily kept swaying and running her hand gently up and down Jody's back while she pondered her response. Before she could decide what to say Hotch spoke up softly, the weariness and honesty in his voice surprising Emily.

"Since my wife died 2 months ago I've thought about the same thing every single day."

"I had no one…" Emily knew Nancy needed to hear this and maybe Hotch did as well "When my daughter was born the hospital called social services, they were worried about me coping with a 5 year old, a new born and no support system…"

She caught the slight widening of Hotch's eyes at her admission.

"He's not the first parent to struggle raising a child by himself and he won't be the last."

When they finally got back on the jet to head home Hotch sat across from Emily and watched her for a few minutes unsure how to broach the topic she was an expert at sidestepping. He hoped he might be able to get more of an answer this time considering the admission she had made the day before.

"We all knew you didn't have anyone in Chicago, but I didn't realise just what that meant for you and the kids until yesterday. Maybe I didn't want to think about the position you were in."

"The first couple of months were actually pretty easy." Emily smiled remembering the early day's of quiet mornings watching cartoons, reading books and colouring and afternoons playing in the snow.

"It was just me and Dec… it didn't get hard until I hit my 3rd trimester with Nell. I was exhausted, Declan had more energy than I knew what to do with and two days at pre-k were not enough. Fortunately the pregnancy itself was smooth, we were both healthy and I didn't have any scares. The social worker assigned to us was actually a good thing. She'd pop by for a visit make sure the kids were healthy, fed and dressed and let me vent when I needed it. Nell was 6 months old when she closed off the file on us, she still emails me every now and then when she needs a reminder that not every case ends badly. I send her a recent picture and she uses me as an example to new case workers so they know that some parents just need someone sitting quietly in their corner."

"Is that what you guys have been trying to do for me and Jack? Not trying to take over or make everything better, just trying to make sure I know you're in my corner?"

"Yeah…" her face breaks out into a wide grin "How're we doing?"

He doesn't respond but the smile he gives her is enough.

* * *

That summer Emily manages to get two weeks off work. She sends Ayesha on a holiday and takes Declan and Nell to Niagara Falls.

She decides to make a road trip of it and they end up visiting Pittsburgh, Buffalo, Providence, New York and Philadelphia.

By the time they get home they are all exhausted but happy and ready to go back to their normal routine.

School goes back, Declan into 7th Grade and Nell into 2nd.

On the 8th anniversary of Ian Doyle's death Emily's world goes to hell.

END CHAPTER

* * *

End AN: We're down to one chapter and the epilogue left to be posted. A big thank you to all those who have read, reviewed, followed and favourited.


	10. 2010

CHAPTER 10

October 2010

The morning had been quiet so far, each of the team trying to get through as many consults as possible before an urgent case came up. They didn't get very far as just before 11 Hotch came out of his office and called over to them

"Conference room now… We have a case."

Dropping what they were working on Emily, Morgan and Reid all quickly made their way up the stairs.

Once JJ, Garcia and Rossi had joined them, JJ started to hand out files.

"In the last ten days four women have been killed in the District." JJ brought up the victims photos

"The victims are all white, in their mid to late 30's, brown hair and eyes and they all worked for Federal Government agencies. DC police have requested the Bureau take over the case. All four victims were tortured and raped in their beds before their throats were slit and the unsub left a message…" JJ hit the remote again and the screen changed to show each of the crime scenes, the victim splayed out on the bed and the same message written in her blood on the wall behind.

 **WHERE IS LAUREN REYNOLDS?**

Next to it a four leaf clover dripped down the wall.

At first the words didn't process properly through Emily's brain. It couldn't be… Tsia and Sean had promised her that they were safe… she'd seen the photos of the accident, read the autopsy report… Cruz had checked it all… there was nothing left to connect her to Lauren Reynolds.

Staring up at the writing on the screen Emily didn't notice sweat breaking out on her brow, her fists clench and her breathing speed up so much the rest of the team could hear it.

"Lauren Reynolds is dead" the mantra she had been repeating to herself for 7 years passed through trembling lips causing Reid's eyes to jerk to her in confusion.

Her eyes blurred… if someone was looking for Lauren Reynolds then…

DECLAN.

"Oh God…" she whispered as the team stared at her confused by the extreme reaction.

Her eyes darted frantically around the room before locking gazes with Hotch "Ragnorok" she choked out before shoving herself out of her chair hard enough for it to fly backwards into the wall.

Grabbing her phone she dialed a cell number from memory as the bolted from the conference room, down into the bullpen stopping long enough to grab her car keys Emily was out the glass doors and clattering down the fire stairs before anyone could react.

None of them heard her yell "Valhalla" down the phone to Matt Cruz.

Hotch reacted quickly, following her through the bullpen, down the stairs and out to the car park where he lost her momentarily. He spotted her again as she was sliding into her car and sped out of the academy, tires squealing.

Pulling out his phone he tried calling her but only got a busy signal.

Going back upstairs he tried two more times with no luck. Giving up he sent her a text message telling her to call him. Pulling out the post it note he kept a cell number on, with no other reference he dialed the number and as requested years before passed on the message.

Back in the conference room Rossi had managed to keep the team focused on the case.

"Whoever this Lauren Reynolds is our unsub has a lot of rage for her." Morgan commented.

"She's left the grounds and I'm getting a busy signal." Hotch re-entered the room "Let's keep going"

"Garcia, see if you can find a Lauren Reynolds that matches the victimology."

* * *

In her car Emily hung up with Matt and immediately sent a text message to Ayesha.

 **Grab the bags and get Nell to Quantico NOW. I'm picking up Declan**

20 minutes later she pulled into Declan's school and made her way to the office.

She signed him out and told the school they had a family emergency and he wouldn't be there for a few days.

Once they were back in the car Declan, confused by her sudden appearance and demeanor asked.

"Mom, what's going on?"

Despite her desire to shelter him from all of this Emily had never lied, she'd been fortunate that Declan had never asked the right questions.

"How much do you remember about where we lived before Chicago?"

His face screwed up in concentration.

"I remember a big house and there were purple flowers… I didn't call you Mom…" he turned to stare out the window

"I remember it being dark and there were loud noises and I was scared but you came and got me..."

Emily took a shaky breath relieved that he remembered so little "Do you remember me telling you there were bad people looking for us?"

"Yes"

Did her remember calling her Lauren?

"I think they found us so you need to come to work with me until I know for sure. Just for a couple of days."

"What about Nell and Ayesha?"

"They're meeting us there."

* * *

Hotch was just about to send Morgan and JJ to the latest scene when Garcia's voice came through the speaker.

"This is your friendly Queen of all knowledge and I've found our Lauren Reynolds."

"That was quick even for you Mama."

"One of the search results that came back was a death certificate issued by the Italian government October 2001. US citizen age 31, brown hair and eyes, 5 foot 6 was killed in a car accident in the Italian province of Emilia-Romagna. She was ID'd by dental records."

"How do you know it's the right Lauren Reynolds?" JJ asked

"Because when I ran her social I got a hit on a FBI file locked down tighter than Rossi's wine cellar and the file name is LR551642992 which is her initials plus the social referred to on the death certificate."

"Garcia, are you saying you can't get into the file?" Hotch was surprised, this was the first time in years she couldn't get into something.

"Not anytime soon, the protection is nearly as good as deadbolt. 3 separate passwords are required, they all have to be entered within 30 seconds of each other and on top of that none of them can be entered remotely, it has to be the same machine. Right at this moment I can't even tell you whose passwords will work."

"Thank you Ms Garcia" Erin Strauss announced from the conference room doorway. "If you could please cease all attempts to get into the file and come to the conference room I will brief the team on its contents. Agent Prentiss will also be joining us as soon as she returns."

Hotch wanted to ask what had happened to Emily and why Strauss knew and not him but something in the Chiefs body language made him pause, she was incredibly agitated. The room fell into silence as they waited for Penelope to arrive. Once she did and was seated Chief Strauss stepped up to the table.

"Lauren Reynolds... born and raised in Boston, went to the finest schools money could buy. Attended UC Berkley much to the chagrin of her father and graduated with an Arts degree. She spent the next 5 years traveling, in late 1997 she met Arms dealer Jean Baptiste in Turkey. She spent a year working for Baptiste before striking out on her own. In November 99 in Boston she joined up with Ian Doyle - also known as Valhalla and spent the next two years in business with him. Doyle was killed in his Tuscan Villa by a rival in October 2001, Reynolds died when her car went over a cliff outside Ravenna Italy a week later."

Erin looked around the room, making sure everyone was paying attention "Lauren Reynolds was a cover. In the mid 90's JTF-12 was assembled with agents from the FBI, MI5, BND and DCRI. The team had handlers from their individual agencies but was managed by Interpol and in 5 years they delivered profiles on many of Interpol's most wanted criminals - criminals who had managed to evade the authorities and keep their true identities secret." She paused to take a sip of water.

"For the majority of cases, they delivered the profile to the Local Authorities who identified the individual, made the arrest and the team moved on. The cover of Lauren Reynolds was created early on specifically to infiltrate those organisations where the intelligence simply wasn't available to positively identify those individuals. The agent maintained the cover for over four years and the intelligence she gathered was integral in taking down several arms dealers, drug and human traffickers. As a member of Doyle's organisation she had access to people and information that no agency has been able to duplicate since. Interpol completely dismantled Valhalla's organisation after Doyle's death and no one has been able to re-build it as of yet."

"What happened to the agent?" Rossi asked quietly, his lightning fast mind putting together the pieces.

"She..." Erin looked up to see Emily standing silently in the doorway picking at her fingernails. Emily nodded at her to continue

"She left Interpol and joined the mainstream Bureau. The BND agent on the team had compromised her identity informing a rival arms dealer that she was an undercover agent. As far as we can tell he didn't reveal her name but when she requested extraction he convinced the team leader to ignore the extraction request claiming there was more intel to be gathered and there was no imminent danger. This was further compounded by Wolff purposefully missing the next check in and ignoring a request for urgent extraction. During the hit that killed Doyle she extracted herself and went straight to the Embassy in Rome where she was brought back to the States 3 days later."

"That's 7 years ago, where are they all now? " Hotch questioned.

"Sean McAllister of Interpol and Tsia Mosely of DCRI are running a team out of the London Gateway office fulfilling the original purpose of JTF-12 without the infiltration angle" Emily broke in quietly handing each of her team mates a file as she went "Clyde Easter from MI5 is working a desk job out of Bristol, the last intel on ex-BND agent Jeremy Wolff had him residing in a Siberian Gulag and…" Emily trailed off unsure how to say the rest, swallowing tightly she locked eyes with Hotch begging him to understand "I transferred to the Chicago field office before joining the BAU…"

"I was Lauren Reynolds"

"You knew" Derek's voice was accusing "as soon as you saw the crime scene photo's didn't you?"

"Yes, I knew as soon as I saw the four leaf clover"

"Why didn't you tell us straight away?" JJ asked quietly

"I didn't come out of the Villa alone…" she looked out into the bullpen where Ayesha, Declan and Nell were waiting for her "if someone is looking for Lauren Reynolds…"

"October… May" Hotch caught on first "Declan and Nell?"

"I found out I was pregnant when I arrived in Rome. Declan's mother was killed early on when the villa was hit. I took him with me…" She'd never spoken about Declan's mother in the past, if anyone asked he was the son of a dead ex.

Strauss cleared her throat and looked pointedly at Emily "Agent Prentiss, please tell them what you left off your official report." at Emily's panicked look the Section Chief quickly added on "technically you never lied. We understood and agreed with your reasons for keeping the truth out of the official records otherwise one of us would have said something long before now."

"Declan was being raised by Doyle's housekeeper Louise... but he wasn't her son. That was what Doyle told everyone to protect him. Ian Doyle is his father."

"and Nell's" Hotch finished, this was the mission Strauss had threatened to de-classify…

"and Nell's" Emily agreed "everything else is in the file, after action reports from Clyde, Sean, Tsia and myself along with the investigation results into Jeremy's actions."

"Are we sure Doyle is dead?" Rossi asked "Whoever this is want's you and probably Declan and he's the best candidate."

"He's dead." Emily was resolute as she pushed away the images of that night.

"How do you know? According to this the villa was burned to the ground and they relied on dental records to identify people and not everyone was positively ID'd." Rossi continued to push

"I was standing 3 feet away from him when a bullet went through his brain. He's dead." Emily snapped... she could still see the betrayal in Ian's eyes as she leveled the gun at his forehead and pulled the trigger.

"So what..." Derek broke in anger written all over his face "you seduced this guy for a profile?"

All eyes in the room snapped over to him.

"We're all thinking it..." he defended his question.

"No, Doyle wasn't even on our radar when the cover was created." Something shifted in her eyes as she got lost in the past.

"We designed Lauren to be a Lieutenant to a big name dealer... a thrill seeking hedonist loyal only to the person who could provide her with the most money and danger. Valhalla was a big name in the weapons world, but no one could pin down who was really in charge… there were rumours that Ian Doyle was high up in the organisation so once the cover was established the decision was made to go after him. I spent months gaining his trust enough to confirm he was Valhalla and I didn't need to seduce him to get that information. I let him seduce me to maintain my cover and the flow of intelligence from other organisations. You want to call me a whore who sold her body to the highest bidder go ahead!"

Her words would take time to sink in, days perhaps as Morgan had too much anger to see past the lies. Knowing he wouldn't get anywhere on this but still wanting to get a hit in.

"Your exes from a previous relationship… that's how you described it… Some ex you've got there…" Derek glared up at her "did it ever bother you…? Raising a terrorists kids?"

JJ reached out and grabbed Derek's forearm while looking straight at her friend "I asked you straight out why you wouldn't talk about him… and you said he doesn't deserve to be acknowledged because he's not worthy of them." Her gaze turned to Derek's "looking at this file that's the truest thing I've ever heard"

"Gideon knew everything didn't he?" Hotch directed his question at Strauss.

"Yes, Agent Prentiss requested he be given full clearance when she transferred to the BAU."

"Did anyone else know about Declan?" Hotch tried to steer the conversation back to the case.

"Only Louise who had been raising him." Emily was firm "Doyle was insanely protective over his true identity he didn't even tell me until..." her jaw clenched, could she really admit the truth of how close she'd come to spending the rest of her life as an arms dealer.

"Until?" Hotch was concerned, all the colour had left her face and she had turned an ashy green colour.

"He thought he had a reason to keep me in the compound indefinitely… Excuse me..." The team watched as she bolted from the room.

The room fell into silence, none of them knowing what to say.

After several minutes JJ stood and left the room to go check on Emily, as she walked out Reid spoke up.

"CDC statistics show approximately 4.8% of women here in the US have reported having a partner who tried to get them pregnant without their consent. In Nova Scotia a man was charged with sexual assault for sabotaging his girlfriend's birth control which resulted in her getting pregnant." Reid threw out to the room in general.

"What on earth are you talking about" Derek's anger hadn't abated at all.

"Morgan" Rossi interjected quietly "read the full report."

All eyes shot to Rossi the rest of the room wondering what he knew "She said something during the Reinman case..." he shrugged.

"What did she say Sir?" Garcia spoke for the first time.

"Emily told Carol she didn't wonder how she could love the baby. I cornered her about it after we got home, I believe her exact words were 'He wanted a child, I didn't, and he forced the issue.' There are a lot of things that are starting to make sense now."

Taking in the understanding and acceptance from everyone but Morgan Strauss walked over to the conference room door Strauss made sure it was closed securely before speaking again.

"Agent Morgan, I understand you're angry but if you continue with this behaviour I will remove you from this investigation. Agent Prentiss was following orders when she went undercover, all those involved in planning the operation knew what was being asked of her. Her orders were to do whatever it took to break into the international arms market, it took her two years, the intel she gained along the way was invaluable… that Intel is still being used today. I was part of the panel that debriefed Agent Prentiss upon her return from Interpol and I can tell you without a doubt there are very few other agents in the Bureau that could have succeeded. I know of at least 6 agents from various agencies that died before getting a quarter of the way into the market that she did… one CIA agent's head was dumped on his handlers doorstep, would you prefer it if she had returned in a body bag?" It was Garcia that reacted the most to Strauss' words and they could all see Derek's anger simmering beneath the surface but he seemed to deflate slightly when the image of Emily being zipped into a body bag was put into his head.

Hotch knew Derek wasn't angry about the assignment itself but the way Emily covered up Declan and Nell's paternity and the danger they were in.

"She said that no one else in the Villa knew the truth about Declan." Rossi tried to steer the conversation back to the case "what about people outside the villa?"

"As far as I know the only person Agent Prentiss specifically told was her handler SSAIC Matt Cruz. In her report and during the debrief she said the exact same thing, Doyle told her he was the housekeepers son. I know Gideon spoke with her in depth about the case and the fallout and I believe he worked it out for himself. It wouldn't surprise me if Agent Mosely knew the truth as well."

"I didn't have to tell Tsia" Emily and JJ stood in the doorway. The former still looking a little sick around the edges "she saw the likeness straight away."

"Could this be Wolff, trying to get revenge?"

"Maybe... as far as we could work out he never gave up my true identity only that I was an undercover operative. He was expecting me to be killed along with Doyle in the raid."

Strauss' phone chimed distracting everyone momentarily as she checked it.

"Agent's McAllister, Mosely and Easter are on their way, their flight from London arrives in 8 hours. Continue to work the case, you've all been given clearance for the full undercover operation, if you believe you will need information on any of JTF-12's other operations Agent McAllister will brief you when he arrives."

"Clyde is coming as well?" As far as Emily knew the Brit had kept his head down while exiled to Bristol. In the last 8 years he hadn't made a single attempt to contact her. She had been angry at Jeremy but devastated by Clyde's role in the last weeks of the operation, time and again he had been her biggest supporter and she knew how many risks he had taken to protect her identity.

Jeremy had never promised to keep her safe.

' _I promise, if anything happens to you they'll find my dead body in front of yours'_

Strauss nodded, intrigued at the play of emotion running across Emily's face. Agent Prentiss was nowhere to be found, only Emily who'd been betrayed and left out in the cold.

"I… I don't want them to have any contact with Declan or Nell. Is there somewhere Ayesha can take them on campus when they arrive?"

Perhaps more than anyone else in the room Strauss understood the reason behind Emily's request. Despite the animosity between the two women since Strauss requested Emily spy on Hotch she'd always respected the job Emily had done for Interpol.

"They can stay in my office while you work something out." Dave interjected before standing and dragging Emily behind him to his office. JJ and Garcia attempted to follow them but the glare Dave threw over his shoulder stopped the two blondes. He had something she needed to hear and he could tell she needed a few minutes to find her equilibrium again.

Pushing her down onto his couch, he sat himself on the coffee table and grabbed her trembling hands.

"Whatever else I read in that file or I hear about what you did while undercover I want you to remember this. I am proud to call you my team mate and friend and I will do whatever it takes to make sure you three go home together safe and whole…ok?"

Emily nodded trying to process everything that had happened in the last two hours.

"Some days I wonder if it would have been better if I burned myself and went underground or adopted them out so that even if someone tracked me down they would still be safe… today is one of those days."

"Maybe… maybe not… I imagine you've been playing the 'what if' game over this for seven years now?" Emily nodded staring off into the middle distance.

"And nothing I say is going to stop that…"

Emily nodded again "Do you know the biggest what if I play…?" Dave shook his head "Nell was conceived after I requested extraction…"

Before he could formulate a response a quiet vibration came from her pocket. Pulling out her cell phone Emily nearly stopped breathing at the message from Garcia.

 **I'll ride the lightening with you**

Emily had been sure that Garcia hadn't heard her conversation with Gideon all those years ago in Alachua for the simple reason that the Tech hadn't asked. Garcia was not shy about asking for explanations. And now one of the most loyal, loving people Emily had ever met had told her just how far she would go to protect Emily's children.

"I don't deserve you guys."

"Yes you do" he whispered leaning forward to kiss her forehead.

Back in the conference room Reid's mind was rapidly going through his interactions with Emily Prentiss, amending all his knowledge to include what he had just learned.

"Huh" he stared off into the distance.

"What is it Reid?" Hotch asked quietly.

"I'm adjusting my mental image of Emily and she makes so much more sense now."

Like she had finally come into focus.

"There's… this one photo I saw when we were helping her unpack. Emily wouldn't explain to me, it's a sad but beautiful photo. She was pregnant 6 maybe 7 months along, lying on a couch with Declan sleeping with his head on her stomach and she looked… so haunted. I never understood why until now."

"I took that photo…" a new voice from the conference room door causing them all to turn and look.

"Matt Cruz… I'm assuming you've all been briefed" at their nods he sat down the in the chair Rossi had vacated 15 minutes earlier.

"I didn't want her to be alone when she got Interpol's final report on Wolff so I flew it out to her. I spent a couple of days with Emily and Declan, made sure they were alright before coming back to DC. Didn't see them again until… god… Halloween '05" Matt stared blankly down at the familiar report before looking around at those still gathered in the room.

"I'll answer any question I can… any question you don't want to ask Emily"

Most of the team looked down at the table, unable to look the other agent in the eye.

Hotch started "She said that Doyle didn't tell her the truth about Declan until he had reason to keep her in the villa?"

"You would start with one of the hard questions wouldn't you? She'd had free reign to come and go as she pleased. From what we could work out Doyle started screwing with her birth control four.. maybe five months before she requested extraction. The second she got pregnant Doyle would have an excuse to keep her in the villa… he could claim it wasn't safe for her to go out alone."

JJ swallowed hard... the implications of Emily being entrapped that way weren't missed by any of them "so by the end she was essentially a hostage."

"No… hostage implies there was something he was willing to exchange for her release. She was a prisoner, a trophy to him. She suspected she was pregnant when she got herself out, it was confirmed by the Embassy Physician when we were in Rome."

"Did Wolff ever give a reason for selling her out?" Hotch knew there were somethings only Emily would be able to answer but if he could get some of these big questions out of the way without her there then it would go better for all of them.

"No… as far as we could find out he wasn't being coerced and it wasn't actually about Emily. He wanted out and the money Halsey was willing to pay would give him a very luxurious retirement."

Following Hotch's lead JJ and Reid fell into their investigative habits. Garcia taking notes just in case she needed the information later on.

Morgan brooded but listened to every word.

"What about people Emily came into contact with before joining up with Doyle. Could it be any of them?" JJ asked

"It's possible but not probable. The cover held for four years and it's been seven since she got out. Someone should have come after her long before now."

"She's adamant Doyle is dead and I don't doubt she genuinely believes that but could she be wrong?" Morgan finally spoke up.

"We never positively identified his body… we could only guess from where the bodies were found in the villa. Emily said he was dead and we believed her."

"Umm, Sir?" Garcia spoke up "This may not be relevant but what's 'ragnorak?"

Hotch sighed, he'd been hoping no one would ask "I've known for several years that Emily had been involved in a classified mission. A threat was made against the children in late 2006 and she was preparing to disappear with them. The threat was neutralised. Ragnorak is a pre-determined code word should another threat be made."

JJ's jaw dropped as she remembered a whispered threat made to Erin Strauss.

"So she'd just take off with Declan and Nell and we'd never see them again?"

"Given what we've just found out, are you surprised she has an exit strategy in place?"

For the next several hours Hotch, JJ, Morgan and Reid peppered Matt Cruz with questions. Emily and Dave returned after settling Ayesha and the kids into Dave's office.

Emily occasionally jumped in to clarify certain points but mainly stood at the conference room window staring down at the glass doors with trepidation.

Morgan was the first to notice when she tensed up at something out in the bull pen. Rising from his seat we walked over and stood next to her. Looking over to the glass doors Strauss was there with three people whose photo's he'd seen earlier that day.

"How long has it been since you've seen them?" he murmured quietly.

"I was 5 months pregnant the last time I saw Tsia and Sean as for Clyde… I met him for an intel drop about 3 months before… well everything." Morgan didn't think he'd ever seen her this defeated.

"You ready for this?"

"No…"

"Do you want me to take them to my office?"

Emily sighed "No bring them up here, I'm going to check on the kids."

She doesn't acknowledge what's left of her former team as she strides down the cat walk to Dave's office.

Slipping inside she finds Ayesha working on her laptop, Declan reading on the couch and Nell asleep her head in Declan's lap.

Lifting Nell slightly she slips underneath the 7 year old and wraps her arm around Declan's shoulder, relaxing for the first time all day.

She doesn't even try to stop herself from drifting off to sleep.

* * *

Sean glared up a Morgan wanting nothing more than to punch the man.

"There's a damn good reason we've kept our mouths shut for the last seven years. I fucked up not getting her out…" Clyde took a deep breath pushing down the anger.

"Why do you think she doesn't trust?" Tsia interjected quietly causing Morgan's head to jerk up.

"Clyde let Jeremy talk him into leaving her there just a little bit longer. Jeremy wanted his payday from Halsey and Clyde wanted the information. Emily paid for their hubris. The protocol for self-extraction was to get to a safe house in Genoa. She went in the opposite direction, straight to the American Embassy in Rome because she couldn't trust anyone at Interpol. She spent years looking over her shoulder and when she finally finds a place where they are safe, happy and with people who have never let her down this happens. All because Jeremy wanted out..."

"So we keep quiet about Emily and the kids, Tsia and I knew the moment we laid eyes on the boy who he was. The name Emily Prentiss doesn't come up in conversation with anyone, even when we're using her information for current OPS." Sean leaned back in his chair, rubbing his hands over his face.

"Look, I get classified and I get her needing to protect the kids…" Morgan struggled to put his anger into words "Do you guys know how we met?"

All three shook their heads "None of us have had much contact with her. Clyde kept his distance, Tsia and I have seen her once since she left Europe..." Sean confirmed.

"We got a consult request from the Chicago field office, estimated 30 victims. Prentiss received a 'watch out for' request from the locals and recognised the MO from a kill 6 months before. In 24 hours she traced 24 of the 30 victims, identified the Unsubs geographic pattern and wrote a preliminary profile. Gideon convinced her to transfer over and it wasn't until 6 months later that we found out she had kids. She just invited JJ and Garcia over for dinner and there they were."

"I love those two kids … I'm angry cause I can't help her protect them if I don't know what's coming. I'm angry cause I've always known she was running from something… I just never thought it would be this." Morgan sighed regretting his earlier words.

"Seeing this file and how far she went to protect a little boy who she had no obligation to… how much courage it took to continue with a pregnancy she was trapped into. Raise those kids to be beautiful, loving and kind and most importantly trust us with them…. I get it… now we need to work out who this sick fuck is and how we stop them. Everything else doesn't matter."

"Ummm" Garcia is standing at the door to the conference room.

"I've been running footage from security cameras near the victims homes and I found this. He appeared within 2 hours of TOD for all of them" She hits the remote to pull up the freeze-frame of the man. "Any of you recognise him?"

The reaction was immediate and before any of them can speak Morgan jumps in.

"Who is he?"

"Doyles second, Liam Dunne. He went to ground when Doyle died and no ones seen him since." Clyde confirmed

"Can you find him now baby girl?"

"Are you the god of chocolate thunder?"

Sean reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone to check the email he'd just received.

"Warning notice..." he muttered scrolling through the document "Oh fuck…" his face paled.

Tsia and Clyde pulled out their phones as notifications popped through as well.

"Someones put a price on her head… her name, address, photo everything is out there but the kids…"

Morgan bolted from the room as Garcia gasped.

"HOTCH!"

* * *

It took them 2 day's to track Liam back to a warehouse, he was holed up there waiting with a small army…

No one liked the plan but it was the best one they could come up with. Emily was who he wanted so it was up to her to distract them long enough for the team and SWAT to get into place.

"Where's the boy Lauren?" Liam's voice echoed menacingly through the warehouse.

"What boy?" Emily kept to the shadows, high up on the walkway.

"Ian's boy... the one you stole."

"I don't know what you're talking about"

"Sure you do..." another voice, female, British, pissed off joined them.

The way the voices bounced around made it impossible to pinpoint anyone's locations.

"Louise Thatcher was raising him... they never found his body?"

Time... she just needed to buy her team some time to get into place.

Her heart nearly stopped when a third voice joined the first two "Where's Declan Lauren?"

"I know you have him…" it continued "You promised me you'd get him out, keep him safe… and then you shot me."

The voice, was close… to close…

"Liam found me alive got me out… and it took years… I had to learn to walk again, talk again, read and write but I never forgot the bitch who betrayed me…"

A click right next to her… Emily turned her head slowly to look down the barrel of a gun… the same type that she'd shot Ian with.

The face from her nightmares stood there, older, angrier, scarred.

"Halsey lasted 3 days before he gave me a name… not yours but it was a start… It took me over a year to find Wolff and he was grateful enough to get out of North Korea that he gave you up free of charge. I've been watching you..."

"I told you I wouldn't raise a child to live that life…" she holstered her glock and held her hands out to the side placidly just waiting.

"Don't you mean children? She's a beautiful girl… I would have given her everything she ever wanted… she would've been treated like a princess… You a queen, if you'd stayed."

"I also told you I could get you out… do you remember that? He would be safer… you refused because you're a warrior… you lead warriors and you raise warriors…" the venom in her voice surprised him.

"If I hadn't pulled the trigger, I wouldn't have been your Queen, I would have been your possession and every time you wanted the ego boost youd've forced me to have another one of your warriors. We'd always be on the run because my team would never have stopped looking for me and I would never have stopped trying to escape… I would always have taken them with me."

"You stole my children!"

"You threw them away!" Emily roared 8 years' worth of rage bubbling to the surface "You weren't raising Declan, Louise was… you wouldn't even acknowledge him. I did exactly what you wanted me to. I raised him, I kept him safe and before you came looking for us no one knew he was yours." Her breath came out in harsh pants. "Your life for Declan and Nell's… that was the trade I made because I love them and hate you."

A red dot appeared on Ian's chest.

"That's the trade I'm making now…"

A quiet pft reached her ears at almost the same time as Ian's body flew backwards, blood spraying out of his chest covering Emily in a fine red mist. She immediately dropped to the floor and crawled over to him to do what she should have done all those years ago.

Make sure he's dead this time…

Looking down at the fist sized hole in his chest she feels the vice around her heart unclench as she reaches out a shaking hand to check his pulse. There isn't one… her eyes move up to his face and she takes in the scar her bullet left, there are more crisscrossing his head… more than she can count… She wants to thank him for Declan and Nell and she wants to empty her clip into his body for them as well.

She has no more time as a movement in the shadows forces her to find cover.

The men whose loyalties Ian had managed to buy start to converge on her position at the same time as her team enters the building.

The next 15 minutes are a blur of shadows, gun fire and blood until only her team and the woman are left standing.

Emily's glock was empty, she didn't have time to reload and she knew no one else on the team had a clear shot, her gaze met Morgan's as the unknown woman raised her gun and pulled the trigger, two shots hit her center mass.

Her vest protected her from the bullets but nothing could stop physics, her body was pushed back through the rotten wooden railing and teetered on the edge momentarily before gravity took hold and she was free falling.

If asked she would say she fell for an eternity.

She didn't see Hotch and Reid running towards where she had fallen… didn't hear the retort of Morgan firing at her, Rossi screaming her name or JJ's panicked "No".

Mere seconds passed before she hit the water and darkness took over.

Hotch saw it all in slow motion and before anyone else could react he was diving after her in a vain attempt at rescue.

* * *

It took them three day's of dredging the Potomac before they found the body.

'FBI Agent killed during raid' was what the newspapers reported and when the funeral was announced people from all over the country started arriving.

Bobbi Baird  
Carrie Oritz  
Richard and Beth Jacobs  
The Galens  
Tony Cooper  
Kathy Evanson  
Paul Davies  
Joe and Molly Muller  
Nancy and Courtney Campbell  
Sam Cooper and his team

Malakai Shreeves, Mick Toohey, Lydia Falk and Ria Marquez flew out from Chicago.

Jason Gideon and Elle Greenaway watched from a distance a part of the story but now forever separate.

Ambassador Elizabeth Prentiss refused to let Declan and Nell attend the funeral with her, claimed it wasn't safe for them to attend such a public event. Ayesha kept them occupied in the townhouse and once the graveside service was completed The Ambassador took her Grandchildren straight to the airport where they flew back to her current posting in Talinn, Estonia. The house in Aquia Harbour was sold and everything placed in storage.

Ayesha finally finished her degree but found after 6 years with the Prentiss family she couldn't stomach the idea of getting that close to another. She took the money Emily left her and went backpacking through South East Asia as she mourned the loss of her family.

Every day after finishing the letter to his mother Reid pulled out fresh sheets of paper and wrote two more. The first was addressed to Declan and Nell, telling them all about the new magic tricks he was working on, the pranks he and Morgan played on each other and the books he wanted them to read. The second was to Emily, needing to tell her about the case they had just worked on, and what he believed she would say about each Unsub.

Garcia went through every single photo she had of Emily and put together scrapbooks for Declan and Nell. When she'd used all of her own she made copies of the ones the rest of the team had. After every major and minor event a new photo was added and the story behind it included, they told stories about about what everyone was up to. A photo of Jack and Hotch on Jack's first day of school, a picture drawn by Henry… She never gave them to Emily''s children because they were never finished.

After he'd finished flipping his current house Morgan decided to do something different. He made a phone call to DC's social services, the first two case workers didn't take his offer seriously but the third did once they actually stopped and listened to his story. Instead of rebuilding whole houses he was fixing pipes, patching holes, cleaning gutters and generally helping out the parents who like Emily just needed someone to sit quietly in their corner.

When Rossi sat down to start his next book he stared at the screen for hours, the blank page and blinking cursor mocking him. He'd spent months planning to delve into the psychopathy of cult leaders but every time he went to start typing the same word appeared... 'Emily'. Finally he gave in… instead of writing about what she'd spent her entire life hunting he would write about the hunters. He would tell her story… this was his penance for breaking his promise.

JJ finally took the profiler exams. She knew she couldn't replace Emily she would never want to try but she could honour her friend and continue her work.

Hotch let each and every one of them break down on his couch. He never stopped Reid from quoting Emily, he gave copies of the photo's he had to Garcia… and then he found every photo of Haley he had and asked her to put a book together for Jack. He and Jack helped Morgan out when the house of a struggling single parent needed more than just an hour or two of care. He proof read Rossi's book on profilers and spent hours helping JJ prep for her exams.

Life went on without their friend.


	11. The Future

AN: A big thank you to all the people who have read, reviewed, followed and favourited this story. Especially IrisT, Wren and RMPCCMFAN. I hope you guys enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

I am working on a new CM Emily fic and while there's no set timeline on when/if it will be finished and posted if you scroll down far enough I've included a teaser, hopefully this will be enough to keep me on track to finish it. I just did a count and I have 14 fic's I've started over the years and never finished... :(

* * *

Epilogue

When The Ambassador returned to DC without her grandchildren 6 months after the funeral she told everyone who asked they had been enrolled in an exclusive boarding school whose curriculum and security was second to none, any gifts or letters could be sent through her office.

As per Emily's final instructions they were hidden away... safe.

They missed their mother but were doing well.

No one noticed that she never gave the name of the school, and by the time it occurred to anyone to ask she had taken an assignment as Ambassador at large, constantly on the move from country to country, never available to be questioned.

What very few people knew was that 8 weeks after arriving in Tallinn the children had been flown to Paris under the names Norah and Damien Porter. From there they switched names and took the train to Madrid where Emily was waiting for them.

When Hotch had hit the Potomac he found her clinging to a pier, barely conscious. She begged him to let her go and he did as promised and given her time. He hated what this was going to do to the team and to his son, but he understood why it needed to be done. Her name was out there, a price on her head and the only way to ensure their safety was for Emily Prentiss to die. The plan she'd had in place for years went forward, Matt Cruz had taken her to a safe house then arranged for a body to be found and ID'd as Emily while Hotch kept everyone else searching in the wrong place and helped The Ambassador lie to the children.

None of them knew exactly where the three of them were going next.

With identities unknown to anyone else they went from Madrid to Vienna to Budapest and then Bucharest stopping for a week in Varna before boarding a flight in Istanbul to Bangkok to Siem Reip where they spent 4 day's exploring the ancient temples at Angkor Wat and Angkor Thom to Singapore to Sydney before finally arriving in Wellington.

The day Elizabeth arrived back in DC Emmaline, Declan and Nell Harris moved into the house in Karori Emily had purchased years before.

Within 3 months Emmaline secured a position at Victoria University lecturing in Criminal Psychology.

Declan and Nell started school, made friends, joined sports teams… they thrived.

On her first day at the University she dropped a letter into a post-box, several days later Bobby Lucas opened it, inside was another pre-addressed envelope which was sent to Matt Cruz who dropped a third pre-addressed envelope in a mailbox, the letter made three more stops before reaching its final destination.

Nearly 4 weeks after it left Wellington it landed on Hotch's desk, inside was a photo of Emily, Nell and Declan their smiling faces taking up the whole frame with snippets of water and sky peeking through but not enough for him to identify their location. For the first time since glimpsing her across the room in Chicago he couldn't see the ghosts haunting her and weighing her down.

 _"It's weird, for all my travels I haven't spent much time south of the equator. I'd love to visit Australia and New Zealand one day."_

Flipping it over three simple words told him everything he needed to know.

 **'Safe and happy'**

And free...

* * *

Teaser:

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Keep going

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A little bit further

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Once her plate was clean and a mug of tea placed in front of her Emily looked up at her grandmother. Fleur reached up and cupped Emily's cheek.

"Tell me..."

Everything came out... how much she missed her friends in Athens, how she was mocked by the local kids and they ostracised Matt, Jon and herself for being embassy kids.

"I just wanted friends..."

Emily told her about the first party the previous January she didn't get drunk at that one but she did at the next, the party in February, when she allowed one boy to talk her into trying cocaine. The night in March when she took ecstasy for the first time, the weekend she thought the baby was conceived. The name they all called her now... realising she was pregnant, Father Gamino's damnation for both having sex outside of marriage and considering an abortion, Matthew taking her to the Doctor he found.

...

"Mom?"

Elizabeth pulled Emily close "I missed you..."

"I miss you too..." she mumbled into her mothers chest.

Elizabeth doesn't miss the present tense in Emily's words.

The move from Athens to Rome had included a promotion from First Secretary to Counselor for Elizabeth. The responsibilities and work load meant longer day's and most evenings were either at an event of some sort or closed up in her private study. Prior to Rome Elizabeth and Jules had ensured if they weren't going to be home for dinner they had breakfast with Emily and one of them was there when she got home from school. That had stopped with the appointment to Rome and day's had gone by when she was in the office before Emily got up in the morning and didn't return home until long after she was in bed.

They'd thought Emily was ok with it but those four words slapped Elizabeth in the face harder than finding out her 16 year old was pregnant.

...

The anger at finding out about the baby had been tempered by the idea that their daughter was so fearful of their reaction that she'd fled the country.

By the time they arrived in Les Viollins acceptance had set in.

Cupping Emily's face in her hands Elizabeth leaned in close to kiss her forehead.

"You are my daughter and I love you. Do you understand?"

Emily stared up at her and blinked slowly unsure of the answer.

"Did you make bad decisions?"

Nod

"Are you willing to live with the consequences?"

Nod

"Do you want to keep the baby?"

Emily paused a tear leaking out of her eye before nodding slowly.

"Then we'll work it out, cause nothing can make me stop loving you."

Emily's eyes drifted away from her mothers her doubt in the first and last statements obvious. Elizabeth promised herself that by the time she had to go back to Rome Emily wouldn't doubt that her mother loved her.

...

"Except for her grandparents every single adult in Emily's life let her down and she has handled the fallout of it admirably. Her mother and I have taken steps to ensure that it won't happen again and she has the support she needs to complete her high school education and go on to college."

"I've tested out of every language course you offer and completed all of the English and History AP requirements for both Junior and Senior years which means I only need Math, Science and two elective courses to graduate." Admittedly there had been nothing for her to do but school work at the chateau.

The registrar and Mr Murdoch looked to Headmaster Lee for his response.

"I'm not sure how comfortable I am enrolling a student who has openly admitted to underage drinking, partaking in illegal drugs and who has a child at home. What's to assure me that if things get tough you wont go down the same path?"

Jules opened his mouth to defend his daughter but stopped when Emily laid a hand on his arm and answered the Headmaster honestly.

"Nothing." Her gaze was steady.

...

Running past the library a flyer caught her attention, stopping she saw it was for a FBI recruitment seminar the next night.

It couldn't hurt to go and listen


End file.
